Its just a thought but what would happen if you just accepted all that pain, sadness and emptiness:? It seems to me that in our culture there is such an unconscious script that we need to feel bright and light and happy. But if you look at the world and what is going on there is so much that is sad that goes on. For me I seem to never be able to totally move away from sadness. Its like the clouds that come and go. I am trying to learn to embrace the sadness when I am in in it. Its not easy and it does hurt but I just wonder why in our culture we have such a hard time embracing so called negative emotions, when at times these show in some way our soul is fully alive and not numb.
This is a comment I was just prompted to leave on someone’s blog. We had one of those very wet rainy days today in my home town in Australia. Really about now spring should be anchoring in. There is some evidence of it, due to the high level of rainful the garden has burst into flower with the winter hellebores and those harbingers of change daffodils and jonquils, but the weather is still very cold and dismal and the spring just seems to be such a long time coming.
This weather could be making me feel blue, but today I feel that I had a reasonably good day. I was very sad at the start of it. I felt sadder still after a yoga class but I went home and just sat with my dog on the couch hip to hip and let myself be. Later on I took Jasper out to the lake and watched him run around in the rain chasing birds. before going to the fruit and veg markets to get a cup of coffee and some half price carrot cake. I noticed the judgemental voice in me telling me this wasn’t a very good late lunch but I eat well most days and must say I really enjoyed it.
I listened to my favourite John Mayer tracks and then I started to shed some tears. Yesterday while standing outside the cinema waiting to go in, the doors opened and found myself face to face with a friend who played a big part in my life in my early 20s. We don’t see each other much and it is very sad as her husband who she met when we were both travelling and working overseas has recently been told he his throat cancer is terminal. I was feeling sad that due to my own breast cancer I had not reached out to her, I had also not reciprocated a dinner, she had invited me over to her place twice, but due to my own ill health and family drama I had not got around to returning the invitation. She was so kind and lovely about it and we agreed that we must meet up soon. I know we will. But it was such a poignant and sad thing to cast my mind back to that period in the mid 80s when we were overseas, living and working in England and had our whole lives before us. For my friend, Carmel, love came when she met Jerry. They ended up having 3 children and Jerry followed her home to Australia to my home town where they have lived for over 25 years.
My own path was lonelier and sadder. My boyfriend from those years, Simon and I did not last. He met another girl while we were travelling in Finland and decided he wanted to pursue a relationship with her. I was in a very traumatised state at the time as I my father had died only two years before and I had gone overseas very shortly after his death and was drinking a lot to cope with feelings I didn’t fully understand. I had several traumas while travelling which I wont go into here and by the time I met Simon my fears and demons were making ongoing emotional intimacy difficult. Sadly we separated, but we parted as friends. A few years later Simon came to try and find me in Sydney but he chose the weekend I had gone to Canberra and we missed each other. Lately I have been thinking about him a lot. I wonder where he is and what has happened in his life. I even wrote a little blog about us last Sunday.
I am thinking of the preciousness of the fact that we did connect for a time. We lived together, laughed together, fought together and then parted. We had a lot in common. And I remember Simon wrote in my diary that of all the women he had ever loved, I was the one who had shown I had the most to give but that he was not ready to commit to me. I wonder if he ever thinks of me.
As the rain continues to fall this evening there is a kind of soft feeling around all of these past memories. I think at times I will always be sad about the way certain relationships failed to work out. It would be so special to be able to time travel back and revisit some of those times which I now know were so very important. On one level while these memories live on the soul in each of us is connected. And although we have parted on one level that connection has never been truly broken and a part of that person’s soul stays with us and in us. Simon still exists in time somewhere and deep in my heart he lives on, always.
I don’t really know exactly what I am trying to say in this blog, but I just want to be able to always embrace the feelings I feel without trying to push them away. I spend more time alone now that I did then, but on some level I am less lonely because the journey to connect with my true feelings has brought me home to myself. I don’t feel so bad that things ended with Simon, for life has worked out as it has needed to. For my friend Jerry I feel sad that he wont have that long left and yet death is something that cannot be rejected or argued with. In the end life is what happens to us, the peace we find comes in blessing it and opening our hearts in the midst of its randomness and chance meetings. There will be times of joy that comes when a theatre door bursts opens and we find ourselves face to face with an old friend whose path crossed ours for a time. Once again we say “hello, I missed you, its great to see you.”. There will be times when a door slams shut and we stand on the other side alone weeping with a broken heart until time passes and the door opens again.