Understanding and attempting to release myself from isolation

Lately I have been becoming more and more aware of how I have isolated myself.  I have become aware of the part of me that wants to keep me stuck, that makes the choice to stay alone rather than reach out, the part of me that longs to connect but also fears connecting.  I have also been becoming aware of the part I play with a negative script that keeps the focus on what is wrong or bad with things or people, this Inner Critic thinks it is protecting me from harm.  While it might be true sometimes, there are other times when the harm I think I am perceiving is as only as real as the harm in the past that hurt me and I am now projecting onto this situation.  I am beginning to see how the Outer Critic is just an outwardly turned version of the  Inner Critic which dogs me with pain and shame.  It can project a disaster scenario or it can provide the reasons why it will be too hard, difficult, uncomfortable to do a certain thing.

This morning I actually managed to get myself out of bed in time to get a 9.30 am yoga class.  I had been wanting to attend this class for some weeks.  I had not enrolled on line which is what you are supposed to do as I find it hard to commit to anything in advance. The Inner Critic then wanted to use that as a reason why I could not front up to the class today. This morning I answered the Inner Critic/blocker/nay sayer back.   I said “you know what?  I am going to go to the class even though I haven’t enrolled on line and if they take me I can do the class, if not I can leave.”  Guess what? I got to the class and it was fine.

I enjoyed the class.  I went at my own pace.  A few of the poses were so difficult to do with my left shoulder as around the site of the breast cancer op it hurts and my movement was restricted but I adapted to what I could do, kept the focus on my breath, listened to my body and came out of the pose if I was in pain or felt that I needed to.  At one point I had a vivid PTSD memory of the huge lights in the operating theatre on the day of my op.  I had to physically move myself onto the operating table, it was very scary and traumatic.  I don’t think that should ever have happened,  ideally I should have been put out before going into the theatre.  At the time this memory came up the pain in my breast was sharp and I started to cry.  I managed my feelings about it and no one noticed.  In time the pain died down.

We did some lovely stretches that I can now incorporate into my practice at home and we did a beautiful 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation and relaxation lying down with bolsters under the knee.  During this time I felt the tension that is located in my abdomen and spirals its way down into the top of my right leg, this isn’t the one that the steel pin was drilled through to support the traction I was in for 3 months, it is the leg on the opposite side.  But I was aware during the practice how much tension I was holding in my gut and I think a lot of the tension comes from an unconscious armouring as well as the trauma imprint that it has been explained to me by a chiropractor is stored as vibration or a kind of twisting of the chi or energy there.

During the last week I have been taking the time at around 4 – 5 pm to lie flat and listen into my gut.  I have been realising the pain of my Inner Child lives in this part of my abdomen.  When I drop to the ground insights come into what this time of day was like for me growing up and feelings flow.  A feature of my Complex PTSD is that at around this time of day or after eating I have attacks which are like a seizure in my muscles and gut that pull me this way and that.  I am still having the attacks but not with as much severity as before when I didn’t take the time to be still, rest and breathe.

The yoga teacher explain that in her practice she takes account of where we are in the lunar cycle in considering which poses to use.  I am conscious that in the next few day the Sun in Virgo opposes transiting Chiron in Pisces.  The Moon will travel around to join Chiron there for a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 16th (2 days time).  It was my father’s birthday yesterday.  He had a stellium of Sun Mercury and Saturn all around the degrees where the Sun and Mercury are now.  Virgo rules the digestive system or gut and Dad died of stomach cancer.  He internalised his feelings for most of his life and in two recent posts I have tried to express what it was like growing up with a father I was emotionally disconnected from.  Despite this I have the sense of living on the journey of my Father’s cells.  Full Moon’s bring insights or cast a light on issues.  In the eclipse the light of the Sun blocks the Moon so emotional feelings my be eclipsed by the light of consciousness falling upon them giving us a deeper insight into how our emotional reaction patterns (Moon) have been affected by past pain and wounds (Chiron).   I feel there is a healing happening.

I love the fact that yoga can bridge the split between mind and body.  When we take the position of opening to what our body has locked up it seems to me we gain insights that are embodied.  I am so glad my Inner Critic didn’t get the last word and I made it to the yoga class today.

8 thoughts on “Understanding and attempting to release myself from isolation

  1. Its funny you are coming out of darkness as I am going into darkness and isolation. At 65 I feel I have failed miserably at my life. I’ve been reading your great insights but I think the hurt I was dealt last night h finished me of hope.

    1. Did you really fail Ava? I do know those feelings so very well. Over the past few years I have been tempted to end my life as I feel I failed too, but now I am growing and healing I know I did the best I could. If you have been hurt again is there someone you can talk to or call on? Have you invested your hope in the right person?

      1. Right now I am living with my son and his family, as I have been waiting for an apt. In government assistance. My daught-in-làw was being abusive to my 12yr.old grandson. He is ADHD just like I was growing up. He got in trouble in school and she came in very mad at him. She paddled him with wood paddle first and began belittling him all this was screamed at him threatening to send him to military school ect. He was so upset that when she said it(almost like he has given up) he’ll never do good enough in her eyes, he said I don’t care send me. I’m sitting there being triggered from abuse in my past, and she slapped his face so hard, while screaming. I couldn’t help it I said — please calm down. She turned to me and said you don’t understand, and I said no you don’t understand. I know I should have shut my mouth, but I worry he will commit sucide. They expect so much from him. She turned and told me to to get upstairs and shut up. I don’t know what she told my son, but he said I when he got home I need to find another place to live. What hurts most is I am afraid my relationship with my son and grandkids is gone. I feel like maybe, it is me I seem to always do the wrong thing. I’m sorry to go on and on. I apologized to her profusely and of course it wasn’t enough.

      2. Oh Ava that is terribly painful and hard. You were made to apologise to an abusive person. That is the problem with narcissists but unfortunately in this situation she has all the power over you because you are living with her.

        I have a very close friend who went through something similar, but in this case the older son was abusing the younger daughter and when my friend said something her son told her to leave (she was only visiting not living there). It is heartbreaking as she has not been able to have contact since.
        You have been put in such a double bind. Staying close to your grandson means validating his mother’s abuse? I am sure you could not do that. Narcissists like this can only be appeased as they are never willing to look at their own actions only blame others.
        I really do not know what to say. There is no solution. You are powerless over her, but backing down just justifies her abuse. It really is a no win situation. My heart goes out to you.

      3. If you stood back you would not have been being true to yourself and your grandson would not know that you support him. With people like this it will backfire. The only thing you can do is stand firm in your belief and pray that in time your grandson will know you did the right thing and were there for him.

  2. You are so right, he knows his MiMi has do much love and understanding for him. The great thing was she was calm with him after transferring her anger on me. He said to her that bwas so rude you need to apologize to MiMi.

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