Lately I have been becoming more and more aware of how I have isolated myself. I have become aware of the part of me that wants to keep me stuck, that makes the choice to stay alone rather than reach out, the part of me that longs to connect but also fears connecting. I have also been becoming aware of the part I play with a negative script that keeps the focus on what is wrong or bad with things or people, this Inner Critic thinks it is protecting me from harm. While it might be true sometimes, there are other times when the harm I think I am perceiving is as only as real as the harm in the past that hurt me and I am now projecting onto this situation. I am beginning to see how the Outer Critic is just an outwardly turned version of the Inner Critic which dogs me with pain and shame. It can project a disaster scenario or it can provide the reasons why it will be too hard, difficult, uncomfortable to do a certain thing.
This morning I actually managed to get myself out of bed in time to get a 9.30 am yoga class. I had been wanting to attend this class for some weeks. I had not enrolled on line which is what you are supposed to do as I find it hard to commit to anything in advance. The Inner Critic then wanted to use that as a reason why I could not front up to the class today. This morning I answered the Inner Critic/blocker/nay sayer back. I said “you know what? I am going to go to the class even though I haven’t enrolled on line and if they take me I can do the class, if not I can leave.” Guess what? I got to the class and it was fine.
I enjoyed the class. I went at my own pace. A few of the poses were so difficult to do with my left shoulder as around the site of the breast cancer op it hurts and my movement was restricted but I adapted to what I could do, kept the focus on my breath, listened to my body and came out of the pose if I was in pain or felt that I needed to. At one point I had a vivid PTSD memory of the huge lights in the operating theatre on the day of my op. I had to physically move myself onto the operating table, it was very scary and traumatic. I don’t think that should ever have happened, ideally I should have been put out before going into the theatre. At the time this memory came up the pain in my breast was sharp and I started to cry. I managed my feelings about it and no one noticed. In time the pain died down.
We did some lovely stretches that I can now incorporate into my practice at home and we did a beautiful 10 minutes of mindfulness meditation and relaxation lying down with bolsters under the knee. During this time I felt the tension that is located in my abdomen and spirals its way down into the top of my right leg, this isn’t the one that the steel pin was drilled through to support the traction I was in for 3 months, it is the leg on the opposite side. But I was aware during the practice how much tension I was holding in my gut and I think a lot of the tension comes from an unconscious armouring as well as the trauma imprint that it has been explained to me by a chiropractor is stored as vibration or a kind of twisting of the chi or energy there.
During the last week I have been taking the time at around 4 – 5 pm to lie flat and listen into my gut. I have been realising the pain of my Inner Child lives in this part of my abdomen. When I drop to the ground insights come into what this time of day was like for me growing up and feelings flow. A feature of my Complex PTSD is that at around this time of day or after eating I have attacks which are like a seizure in my muscles and gut that pull me this way and that. I am still having the attacks but not with as much severity as before when I didn’t take the time to be still, rest and breathe.
The yoga teacher explain that in her practice she takes account of where we are in the lunar cycle in considering which poses to use. I am conscious that in the next few day the Sun in Virgo opposes transiting Chiron in Pisces. The Moon will travel around to join Chiron there for a Full Moon Lunar Eclipse on the 16th (2 days time). It was my father’s birthday yesterday. He had a stellium of Sun Mercury and Saturn all around the degrees where the Sun and Mercury are now. Virgo rules the digestive system or gut and Dad died of stomach cancer. He internalised his feelings for most of his life and in two recent posts I have tried to express what it was like growing up with a father I was emotionally disconnected from. Despite this I have the sense of living on the journey of my Father’s cells. Full Moon’s bring insights or cast a light on issues. In the eclipse the light of the Sun blocks the Moon so emotional feelings my be eclipsed by the light of consciousness falling upon them giving us a deeper insight into how our emotional reaction patterns (Moon) have been affected by past pain and wounds (Chiron). I feel there is a healing happening.
I love the fact that yoga can bridge the split between mind and body. When we take the position of opening to what our body has locked up it seems to me we gain insights that are embodied. I am so glad my Inner Critic didn’t get the last word and I made it to the yoga class today.