In the Ashes


I am realising how much lately my inner world pulls on me and how difficult that pull makes it for me to get going.  It may also be highlighted as a consequence of retrograde Mercury these few days,  I have had opportunities to go out and connect with others put something pulls me back. And home alone thoughts go around and around in my head, I judge my surroundings harshly, only seeing a big mess and there are also a lot of judgements about myself going around and around and around in my head.  Its a real sense of an inner pressure building and its almost crippling.

Today I am just using all I can of my mindfulness and loving kindness practice to myself.  There have been streams of memories flowing to awareness and deep, deep sadness.  I question how I have remembered events, how my own perceptions may have been tainted by wounds or low self esteem and how I may have reacted as a consequence.  The harsh inner black/white judge is hovering in the wings with a big gavel wanting to hit me over the head with it.  I notice all this and keep my focus on my breath.  I am aware of the struggle I had in trying to move forward and break away and how at critical times things came badly unstuck, I wonder did my own hesitation and reluctance and fear actually bring difficult experiences to me and keep me stuck.  Yes it did.  My own nature has  played a huge part in my fate.

Just a moment ago I was in the bedroom, it seemed as though a thin dust covered everything, the judge came in telling me I would wind up like Miss Haversham in Great Expectations, living in a house of cobwebs and dusty memories, with a heart aching from deeply buried memories of unrequited love.  Part of me wants much more than this, wishes I could kick the butt of all these ghosts and take some action in life. But it is as though a huge weight is covering me.  I remind myself to keep my awareness open.  What I am seeing now may be necessary information, or it could be I am being too harsh.  So what if I want to sit around in my pyjamas?  Things get dusty. Life isn’t perfect and we often fuck it up and there is some learning to gain from each fuck up.

I got down on my knees at one point and an inner voice from deep within said to me ‘you are in the ashes experience, Deborah.  Many go through it, some live long years there, it may seem hard but stay with it, it takes courage to feel it, it will deepen your soul and it will pass in time’.  I was then prompted to write this blog, it is the one thing the can perhaps pull my past into the present and relieve me of what I am beginning to feel is the curse of my Mars Saturn moon in the sixth house.  Writing at least gives some form to and externalises and expresses what my body tends to bury,  that which lurks like a huge crocodile very close to the surface or borderline between the inner world of my body and the outer world of my expression, emerging at times to be pose threatening energy, before disappearing to swim away again back down to the bottom of my soul.

During this ashes contemplation and experience I had the awareness of how in time all forms decay or break down and how that awareness should actually be the fuel we use, the insight which informs us how important it is to value every moment while it occurs.  But it also occurs to me that this ever present awareness of the temporary nature of things may cause deep within us a great fear of reaching out and connecting.  We are aware what is given can be taken away too and if too many endings or losses come sometimes perhaps we need to retreat in order to gain some control or at least process what has gone down.

I am feeling a little lighter since writing this.  There are other things going on too.  My therapist is away for a month.  She tried to tell me it was 24 days but I saw her on the 5th and wont see her again until the 4th of October.  That isn’t 25 days.  I almost feel she wanted to minimise how hard it would be not to have that containment for that time.  I played along as I want to please people, but part of me is pissed off.  I did tell her that, but I didn’t act it out.  I know I am an adult now and I just have to cop the situation as real life is real life.  I will survive but perhaps a small part of me feels that I wont and there is the memory of how things fell apart years ago when a similar time break occurred with my first therapist.

I am practicing as well as I can at the moment mindful acceptance.  I am reading how mindfulness of our emotions helps us not to act them out as much and how when we have a primary emotion, such as fear for example we can have secondary ones such as shame or guilt.  That secondary emotions occur as a reaction to the primary one and are often fuelled by past conditioning and old beliefs as well as magnifying thoughts.  They tend to occur more when we aren’t as accepting and mindful of the primary emotion and tell ourselves (or other’s tell us) things, like ‘you are being pathetic’, ‘don’t be so sensitive’, ‘I bet he/she doesn’t even care’   am sure you can provide some other sayings.

Today I just accepted.  Deborah today you are in an ashes experience.  I did a bit of tidying up and dusting, but I know things will get messy again. I guess I contained it quite well.  Soon I will get out with Jasper.  I’ll probably give myself a hard time for going for a coffee which seems to be the one ritual pleasure with sustains me on the lonely days.

In some way, today I think I have seen much more of myself than before.  I know my reluctance to engage with the world out there holds me back.  I don’t fully trust it and yet I also gain great nourishment from the inner world.  Its getting easier too, to just spend time with people who aren’t as serious and want to goof off or poke fun at things.  The deathly seriousness of my deeply Saturnian childhood isn’t surrounding me like a dark cloud every day.  Just some days.

Contemplating this towards the end I was thinking of opposing drives and wishes, modes, feelings and states of being.  How nature moves between poles of light and dark.  How the earth spinning on its axis in space confronts us sometime with light and sometimes with dark and how we as humans partake of and live and filter these energies.  If we can stay open in the non dualistic awareness and not judge so harshly perhaps on some level we can minimise the suffering that comes when lack of acceptance causes us to split off into and identify with either polarity.  Maybe that is the lesson of the current times, at least for me.

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