There are times in life where we are challenged. There are times in life when others have in an investment in us not speaking our truth. I know I have shared about this before in a blog somewhere, but I have Pluto in the first house along with Uranus and this makes me a person who has to go deep, who seeks the truth and who seeks to change and transform herself. It also makes me a person who needs to stand for her truth and as a result will polarise others. I can often find myself at odds with the group or at least that part of the group which resists change.
It happened again yesterday. There are changes occurring in the Al Anon fellowship here in Australia, dual members (or those with an alcohol history) are now no longer to refer at all to their primary addictions, the focus must be kept on Al Anon alone. While I understand that they are now putting themselves first, it no longer suits me to be part of group in which I am silenced. There is often resentment of the recovering alcoholic, the implied idea is the that person in relationship with them is somehow superior in some way. By belief is both people carry wounds and if the co-addicted person truly wants to heal they need to look at why they attracted an addict in the first place. And those in sobriety who then choose to be a part of Al Anon have a lot to give out of their experience They understand addiction and recovery first hand. So why are they being silenced.
I was so angry after leaving the meeting yesterday. There are two older women who have a strangle hold on this particular group and they dictate what can occur there. They are church going types who seem to have some kind of unconscious superiority complex. When I shared about it with my therapist she used the word sanctimonious. I’ve fallen foul of them both before and others before me have left the group due to the dynamic in place there. More fool me for going back yesterday.
The only positive was that before I left I was able to share my truth and anger in an assertive, rather than an aggressive way but it still affected me bodily last night. I am finally starting to sleep through or get back to sleep very quickly after more than 5 years out of an emotionally abusive relationship which mixed up my sleep cycle so badly I was only sleeping a couple of hours, only to wake for up to three hours twisting and turning and I was getting ongoing panic attacks. Yesterday I noticed after this interaction my body went into a stress/panic response. It was a clear message to me that what happened yesterday is not good for me to be around. I wont be going back to the meeting again.
Its not easy for me to walk away. No matter how much I get hurt, I often go back for more or try to show compassion, but in discussing it with my therapist today (and we have been revisiting this same territory for some time now) its not helping me to show this kind of compassion. The compassion and self care I have to show now is for myself.
I am realising that there is a time when we may have to stand alone. I am not totally alone as I have my therapist. I have a blog in which I can speak the truth. I don’t have a lot of friends here but I have some who hear me and validate me. But there is a time when we have to make a break from the dysfunctional group or relationship, a time when the cost of involvement becomes too high a price to pay.
I noticed to day that as all this shit hit the proverbial fan the Moon was in the early degrees of Leo in my 12th house opposite my Mars Saturn Moon in the 6th house. It made sense that this kind of opposition would occur. My daily astro reading said I would find myself faced with someone else’s aggression towards my newly emerging feelings. I can take a step back and take care of me. And I know the timing is all on cue. That I am working through major lessons for my soul. And in that there is no doubt. I thank God for that realisation and belief.