I woke up in a curious way this morning suspended between the two worlds of consciousness and unconsciousness, waking and sleep and trying to navigate my way from the depths of dreaming back up to the surface while feeling as I do in my body all the strange and curious sensations of post trauma stress. This is the time I need to be most mindful. To reflect on dreams that may like elusive fish be about to swim away from memory, to pin them down so I can reflect upon them. With Mercury soon to turn retrograde this need to turn inwards and reorient to and connect with Self becomes more highlighted.
Last night I recall I had a dream where I was working out a central conflict of past years which concerned the house I moved into that had deep connections to a past experience of my earlier years in which we were forced to move from a cosy small house to a huge part built ‘mansion’ my Dad drove us towards in his quest for upward mobility.
The house I was buying here in my home in 2011 (after returning following over 25 years away) had all these strange echoes of synchronicity with this past experience. The little girl who lived there was also aged about the same age as I was when we had to leave that semi cosy house of my early childhood where I was best friends with the neighbours and could escape there to play on the lonely days after school when no one was home due to working.
The little girl at No 8 (my new house) appaerently held onto the walls and was crying, her mother told me, when she knew they had to leave this house I bought. It was a sweet cottage full of so much cosiness and love the owners had invested into it over years. This caused me great concern at the time. At the auction I was forced forward on in price beyond my limit by the auctioneer and my mother and I sadly caved to pressure. I had a very emotional reaction upon the hammer going down. Something in my soul screamed silently “NOOO” but me being me I kept quiet and sucked it up.
Anyway last night I dreamed that this couple had sent me to outer space to this house that was so far above the ground. I was divorced from any connection with earth and longing for home and I was so angry, a great crime had been done and I couldn’t do anything about it. Powerlessness!!!
Writing this I realise it is a metaphor for how it felt to have to move in here at that time as an echo of how it felt to move to the house of later childhood in which I felt so alone, started to become an addict and in which our family went through so much tragedy due to being forced onwards and upwards. It was also an imprint of how at critical times of need (following my father’s death for example) I was forced forward overseas alone by my Mum when my soul was crying out for togetherness, connection.
When I moved into my current house at the end of 2011 I had just come out of a very painful relationship with a narcissistic kind of guy (well we both had narcissistic issues) and mostly wished to have love and support around me, not really to be on my own forced into a house I did not choose, beautiful as it may have been. On reflection this IS a lovely house its just that the echoes of being forced out and away at times of critical need when I most needed emotional support is a replaying theme that has occurred over at least 6 or 7 other moves and in forcing me to buy this house my mother didn’t attune to what her daughter really most needed at the time. How could she, her own mother forced her out of the house into domestic service at the young age of 13.
My mother had to go and live with another affluent family close to here. She rebelled, she got herself a job as a tailor’s apprentice. The lesson my Mum learned – a Chiron in Aries lesson – you have to be independent, you cant rely on anyone to empathise, you have to do it yourself. And yes you do but you also need a mother’s empathy love and understanding. My Nana wanted my Mum out of the house. She had found a new love and wanted to get married at that time.
Gosh what p0werful associations to that dream.
Whilst pausing in the midst of writing this to make a drink and eat an orange I had the thought : this work I am doing is about reclaiming land from the sea, consciousness from unconsciousness. Each time I pay attention to my dreams, take the time to centre within, write upon awakening rather than just unconsciously launching out into the day I do the work of making the unconscious, conscious. I am involved in the process of reclaiming land from the sea.
While writing and considering the planetary archetype of Mercury soon to turn retrograde I am aware that it is Mercury who is the winged God who has the ability to travel between two worlds. The wings on his sandles are the wings that carry him between lower world or under world and upper world, between subconscious/unconscious and conscious. With my own Mercury natally retrograde I am always a bit scewiff, turned back towards the inner world or underworld. I listen with more than just my ears and I try to read the subtext. I get in trouble for it at times, but its important I stand firm on my way of being as must all sensitives and empaths. We will often be misunderstood, misdiagnosed, ostrasised, considered strange or out of step and yet we must listen with both ears and both sides of the brain, stay tuned to the nuances and engage day by day in the precious and precarious work of making the unconscious within ourselves and other conscious.