These two perhaps contrary thoughts came to me to day after considering whether or not to spend time with my family and most especially with my Mum. The unresolved longing for my Mum’s love and connection with her never goes away. I want to connect emotionally but its not really possible to connect emotionally with someone who wants to be separate and different and who refutes everything you say when you try to suggest deeper feelings may be behind physical complaints. You are just told you have got it wrong and your ideas about feelings are rubbish!
Its yet another rebuff but what can I expect my Mum’s Saturn in Scorpio is right on my natal Neptune square every single personal planet Moon to Jupiter!
Just had another conversation with her about her blocked tears ducts. I wrote a poem about it earlier. I think its grief, I said. No its not grief, she said. Its just blocked tears ducts. I know what to do the pharmacist has told me. Not the end of the conversation I didn’t feel angry, just resigned and a little sad, but not overwhelmingly.
It is time to let go. To let go of the idea that I have to parent my Mum. To let go of the idea that we will one day cry together. To let go of the need for my Mum to get it. To let go of the idea that we can truly, deeply connect. The truth is I can still love my Mum on one level, I can spend time with her, but I also need to consider her as a little retarded emotionally. Not that she doesn’t feel, she feels deeply. Its just she wants to feel alone and maybe that is the lesson I have to learn with Saturn Moon, that this emotional distance and reserve I grew up with is a painful legacy and yet one I have to bear.
And that all is not lost because I have other ‘mothers’ there for me. People I can share emotions with and who will understand, who speak my language.
I will always to some degree be the scapegoat or outsider in my family, because I try to make sense of my feelings and think they are important and have a necessary place and because I value the inner life so deeply. I may not be a success in the material way, but on a spiritual and emotional level I do feel I have achieved a lot against great odds often with the dice stacked against me.
PS. After writing and re reading I realise this is about boundaries. My Mum has a right to her reality. I need to respect her boundaries but also understand mine.