I went to an AA meeting the other day. A guy got up to share with about a years sobriety. I don’t really believe in higher power he said. I love a guy I met in these rooms who told me he had never even read the Big Book (the AA bible) and yet he had still stayed sober for over 2o years.
It got me to thinking. I have bit of a problem with the God word and yet I know there are forces of creation and destruction in the universe that drive things. There is an amazing force that creates all of this mystery and magnificence. I am like Frank Lloyd Wright who said I believe in God for me it is Nature. In early sobriety my so called Higher Power was a huge Moreton Bay fig tree in McKell Park very close to where I lived when I got sober.
It was here I drove after my first AA meeting when a river of tears opened in me and the door to the cage of my soul locked for so long seemed to fly open and I felt myself to be cuddled by angels. I guess you could call it a spiritual awakening. But was it my spirit waking up? Or something more.
I could kind of agree with this guy because what he was trying to say is that we cant always turn outside of ourselves and believe something outside of us will rescue us if we are not willing to do the work. And yet until we reach the road block we cannot get past, until we are brought to our knees or have our back to the wall we are not yet in a position of surrender or letting go that will let that larger force of love, growth and change in. And while writing I am reminded of an ancient prayer goes like this : Pray to Allah but tie your camel to the tree.
Where do I stand on a Higher Power? I believe its where we have to turn when we find ourselves abandoned by every human being, lost and alone in the desert, the dark night of the soul that no one can save us from. But we need humans too, humans who empathise, humans who love, humans who understand. Its just when we can’t get these things anywhere else we have to search deep within and learn that we are beloved just for being us. And some of us find this in a force that we call God or Goddess or Higher Power. A force beyond us, a force of goodness that holds us in its loving embrace.
We can pray, we can seek for guides who know the way and we can turn deep within to the locked box of our own hearts and souls where all the feelings, mysteries and realisations can be opened to. We can also reach out to other humans and yet bear in mind that they too are only human, at times liable to disappoint and frustrate. Can we love anyway? Yes. And together we can grow and learn knowing that we are not always in charge but as long as we cherish our own heart we will always have somewhere to turn.