Am just reading a lovely story about someone getting lost in India, at the bleakest hour a guide appeared out of nowhere to lead the person home. When he tried to give the man a gift the man said. “Brother, I live where Krishna lives. How can I lack anything?”
Reading that story made me realise that we each have a home inside of us. We don’t really lack for anything in this moment when we feel love and a deep connection within ourselves. At this time in our world it seems that many of us are caught up in a frenzy of seeking outwardly for things. I know at times I can get a little lost in buying things I don’t really need. It has happened more for since I moved back to my home town where in winter the weather can be quiet cold, I don’t have a lot of deep connections with others and so at times in boredom I have gone out to have a coffee and then I get caught up in shopping. That is okay. Its not wrong to desire lovely things. But I also need to be aware when in doing this, I am running away from being with myself, perhaps due to something I don’t want to face, deep within. The pain of loneliness which reminds me of much similar loneliness over years.
In that situation it is better for me to turn to myself. To not abandon the self in me who may be crying out for my love and attention.. I noticed this the other day after I dropped my nephew and his partner off to the bus station after their four day visit from overseas. There was a lot of grief, not only about this loss, but because I guess these kinds of leavings bring up for me every single other leaving, the first being when my eldest sister left home for New Zealand after marrying and I was only 3. There have been lots and lots of other losses. And when I think of this the words of Joni Mitchell’s song come to me.
There’s something lost and something gained in living every day.
When I focus only on the loss (and it IS important to cry and release and express the feelings of sadness) I miss the gift of the ending which is also about a new beginning. Where that letting go is happening (whether I appreciate it or realise) a new space has opened up and in time there is a new experience that can enter it, but if I focus only on the ending I cannot keep open to the new beginning. So truly there IS something lost and something gained in every loss, leave taking and ending. And the pain I feel reminds me of the preciousness of what has gone.
In the midst of writing this, I am contemplating how some souls from an early age may be impacted upon by losses or absences or vacancies (perhaps not even truly realised until much later, if ever) and those losses leave a mark on the soul, almost like a stain. That stain may become a filter of loss through which we begin to see the world and it colours everything that comes with a haunting or a ghostlike whimsy which may or may not be conscious, but dogs us endlessly.
Until we bring these losses to consciousness how can we know how and why they are colouring our inner view and perhaps even limiting an opening to a new experience, that may have some preciousness contained within it before we lose it, or may not be anything like the experiences of old? Truly, there is something gained and something lost in living every day.
Sometimes the sun shines and at others it goes behind clouds and is obscured. This is where we grieve and the rain comes down, it falls all over our soul and we become, for a time water logged, until the sunshine of someone’s loving openness and presence beams upon us and in that shining the water logged spaces have an opportunity to dry out. We become healed on one level but always with the memory of what we lost.
Can we stay present for this? Can we open to this? Or do we need to distract ourselves. Sometimes one, sometimes another. For loss and trauma, working through loss and trauma is a process. We can co-operate with this process and there is a flow to it, but much of it is beyond our control as it comes from the greater outworking of our souls’ journey over time. And to that we can best surrender.
And when we surrender, when we open, perhaps we become like the helper I mentioned at the beginning of this blog. We realise that though we have lost, in being with ourselves, with realising our truth, we lack nothing for presence makes us aware that we live in wholeness, in unity where Christ/Krishna lives.