After a week in which I had yet another painful confrontation with my mother and sister I am yet again back deep in suicidal depression. I also became aware today I was re-experiencing the deep abandonment depression which dogged me all through my later childhood, adolescence and young adult hood.
I now know why I suffered as I do. Why I was driven to addiction. Why I had a major accident at age 17 and why that pattern repeated as I entered upon the struggle to recover and break from my family and dysfunctional relationships in which it was verboten to really express painful feelings. I seem to have been in deep denial for years about the impact of my family upon me. I seem to have never really erected a strong boundary against invalidation abuse. I am only just waking up to this now at age 54.
On an astrological note I feel that the intensity of this weeks events is surely related to Uranus turning retrograde in Aries in my eighth house. Often the eighth house shows what is not permitted expression, it is the shadow side of us, the part that got exiled and often shows up via projection or dogs us in intimate relationships. Mars rules self assertion and Aries and in my chart Mars is conjunct both Moon and Saturn. It semi sextiles natal Chiron in my seventh house of relationships and is also inconjunct Pluto in the first. This shows someone with deep fears of asserting herself and someone against whom collective forces were used to deny her emotional reality, a denial that then becomes deeply hidden and internalised.
According to Steven Forrest, Pluto in the first is the truth teller. In the family or community they blow the whistle and are considered the bad guy often. They will be the one pointing out that the emperor has no clothes on and will often be sidelined for this view. I don’t find it easy to tone down my own Pluto and with transiting Mars finally finishing its extremely long transit of Scorpio (Pluto’s sign) in my third house the deep depths of pain and anger that have dogged me via many past confrontations and hurts seem to have been scoured over these long months.
I had an insight when looking to the symbols for both Scorpio and Sagittarius the other day that in Scorpio the Mars energy is turned back within the self. In the glyph for Scorpio the pointed tail of the symbol points backwards and inwards. But in Sagittarius the Mars energy has become an arrow that needs to be shot outwards and liberated so we can move forward. Often suicidal feelings are represented by the anger turned inwards that is not allowed to be expressed or validated. The angry person is shamed or exiled by those with a vested interest in having them kept quiet and the frustration this causes does cause us to feel suicidal.
I have been remembering this week how many times after being exiled and scapegoated by my mother and sister I have felt deeply suicidal. And the pain of that exile has always been so unbearable (and until now I have lacked therapeutic support to validate my truth) I have usually extended myself to apologise to them. This is what narcissists do. They step on our feet and get angry with us for daring to say that we hurt them. They never show true empathy or remorse and act quickly to deflect, deny and invalidate. How fucking angry does that make us feel? Murderous. What do we do with murderous feelings we are not allowed to feel? We turn them inwards and become suicidal.
Thinking of that Sagittarian arrow and what this latest turn of events might represent, this afternoon a conversation I had with a member of the AA fellowship yesterday came to mind. When I told him a little about how I was feeling he said jokingly, “would you like me to kneecap them? It can be arranged.” But then he said, “you know it’s no use making amends to arseholes its not even worth trying to figure them out.” He then suggested making a voodoo doll and sticking pins it. This may seem extremely to some and it was a little tongue in cheek but he was saying that he did not mean to do it in such a way as to wish them legitimate harm, but rather as a way to get the angry feelings out of my own body mind. How many alcoholics swallow down their rage and sense of deep impotence with booze or other substances. Recovery means we need to deal with our resentments in as healthy and effective ways as possible.
I felt much lighter after our conversation during which the phone beeped. It was my mother trying to call. After five minutes on the phone with her dodging, weaving and deflecting I had a headache so extreme I had to end the conversation.
It has seemed to me too extreme a solution to go no contact with problematic members of my family until now. When ever we have had confrontations before an alliance forms with me on the outside, exiled through the silent treatment to the outer Hebrides. The pain of the abandonment depression has been so extreme, I have buckled under. Today I know I can no longer commit that kind of spiritual suicide which comes at a huge cost to me.
I read a great article on the FOG website this week on emotional validation after the painful events of Monday afternoon. It helped me understand a lot. There is a forum on the site for others who have shared the pain and depression they have gone through in going no contact. So I know I am not alone in feeling this way.
I am trying to manage my fear. I know it is important to keep self validating. I know I did a good job of setting a boundary yesterday with my Mum when she tried to “bad guy” me for sharing my feelings honestly. But I also am wising up to the fact validation will never come from that quarter. She is just too defended and invested in her own ego to own up. And I will only end up hurting myself by banging my head against a brick wall that doesn’t really care about my feelings and is deeply invested in denying the emotional reality of what I have suffered. In the end I have to validate myself and find others who get it, like my AA friend. With them I have no heavy suicidal feelings, I feel lightness, freedom and joy and surely that is one of the major gifts that Uranus travelling through the house of repressed assertion wishes to reveal.
I know these Mars issues I am dealing with are multi generational too. The repression I am trying to gain release from has deep roots. Its possibly no one else’s work but mine, which makes it lonely at times but I am sure that I am not alone in going through this in the cyber and real world at present. For these issues and conflicts are archetypal, astrology and personal recovery has shown me this.