I am in the midst of taking a homeopathic remedy which was recommended to me. When I first read the description of the remedy I felt really upset, was this really how my therapist saw me. It mentioned an uptightness, meanness, self centeredness and concern with everything being orderly and clean. In reflecting on the remedy and talking about it with my psychotherapist she agreed that it sounded more like my mother’s psychology, which is really interesting as currently the Sun has been passing through the sign of the moon and mother and I have been dealing with issues of body tightness, spasm and pain that I think come from having over controlled my feelings and emotions a lot due to deeply buried fear from the past and over control and suppression of feelings in our home. That and the trauma of two or more accidents surrounding my difficulty in separating and individuating from the family matrix.
I felt resistant and even considered sending the remedy back but then on Saturday morning something happened that made me stop and think. I woke up to find my dog Jasper had done a pooh outside my bedroom door. I immediately flew into a rage and got physically triggered to want to pick him up and throw him across the room. That was when I stopped and thought. Oh, oh, Debs this terrible. I think you DO need to take that remedy.
At this point Jasper had run outside and was cowering in the garage. Filled with shame and remorse I went out to him and was then overcome with grief and sadness. I picked him up and brought him inside to give him a cuddle on the heated blanket (it was an exceptionally cold morning and it occurred to him he may have found it very cold to the toilet outside. Not that I think going to the toilet in the house is a good thing to be encouraged, but should it really be punished? ). His poor little body was shaking and tremoring. It took a lot of body massage and soft long stroking hugs to calm him down.
On reflection, I think what was actually occurring on Saturday was a message from my own unconscious. I was literally playing out my own childhood with my dog and Jasper was the young me faced with a raging mother. I took the first dose of the remedy Arsenicum Album on Saturday morning. And later read it has helped people who have suffered head injuries and digestive upsets, both of which I have experienced or currently experience.
I have shared some of my mother’s story before. As a young child she had few protectors, she got punished at school a lot and then pulled out of classes by the Nuns to clean their residence. She was also sent into domestic service by her own mother, forced to live out of home. She rebelled and got herself a seamstress apprenticeship. She was also made to polish floor by her own mother and got hit when she was in trouble. She acknowledged her mother’s frustration rather than the impact on her young self. She became compulsive and super responsible, all classic Adult Child traits and her anxiety was passed down to all of us in different ways.
I shared before how on the New Moon two weeks ago, or just prior to it, my brother shared how the Christian brothers had strapped him with a strap with pieces of blade inserted. Over the next few days we have the Capricorn Full Moon opposing the Cancer Sun and I was reading today that this moon has to do with the containment and bringing to awareness of feelings and the facing of harsh realities. It seems under this moon we are being challenged to face our darker side (the New Moon opposed Pluto and the Sun and Moon have both squared Uranus over the past few weeks) and take steps to mature and bring insight to those traits which may trip us up or keep us in an infantile state. We may also be facing the fact that no matter how difficult our own or others behaviour is at times and how much we rationalise intellectually, there is also a hidden emotional cause.
Today I woke up to find Jasper had done a wee outside the bedroom. I cried out but not in an angry way, I was more interested now into what was going on. Questions running through my mind, was he wanting to get into the bedroom to see me (the door was closed) and couldn’t now and was weeing outside in desperation? I cleaned it up and went looking for him, he had retreated to a corner in the living room and was looking very sheepish and scared. I went over to him and gave him a cuddle and told him he wasn’t in trouble. I know I have to deal with the situation but I need to get some outside help to find out what is going on. I don’t want to have to punish my dog but must help him with this and understand my part in it too.
I know I have a lot of build up anger inside of me. A long while ago at this time of year I could have made the choice to go back to the UK with my then husband and live my own life, without feeling the responsibility for my sister and mother that I did all those years ago. I was running scared and had so much unresolved trauma inside me and sadly in trying to deal with that trauma I came to grief, my marriage ended, I had two further accidents and ended up in an even more traumatised state.
After the second accident I was way out on a limb back over in the UK trying for third time to make it on my own and yet I had so much unresolved with my family and a history of family trauma and disconnection that we were all battling with in different ways pulling me back.
I was reading in another blog this week about the fragmenting nature of trauma. It was explained to me by my last therapist in this way. Our deep trauma narrative is like a line that get broken into dashes. Due to trauma we cannot connect our history and there are huge gaps, holes or spaces in it. The work of therapy is to connect the dots, to understand where, why and how the splits occurred and to reconnect the dots. It is also to understand the role that deeply unconscious patterns play and how we attract external people, places, beings and things to project our history and fragmented aspects of ourselves for we are not a mono self but a multi self with many fragments, rhythms and expressions some of which get split off and relegated to the subconscious which then attract others to us who have these traits.
The work of therapy and consciousness building is to bring the projections back within and understand them. It is to tune into and allow the expression of all our complex pieces, selves, rhythms and fragments. This week I feel I have made a further step forwards in this process.
It seems there is much to be gained by opening to those things we may find most difficult to face and accept in 0urselves, for in acknowledging out dark side too we bring in into the light and in so doing we develop compassion for a self and others who struggle to live, learn, love, grow and unfold our experience on this earth.