At times i really struggle with the aloneness and distance of addiction recovery. I attended AA meetings for over 6 years before I pulled back a little to focus on therapy and then when my marriage ended, ostensibly due to the fact my partner could not handle the grief work I was trying to undertake which got stalled due to family complications I went to Al Anon for about 9 years to understand the roots of our family issues and to find a place to shed the tears I so badly needed to shed. I was rarely embraced in those meetings and it was a very lonely time and yet I did find some comfort and wisdom there.
My own grief and anger was buried and swallowed down during my years of addiction. I could not become conscious either of what drove me until I made seeming mistakes which I now know were painful learning experiences. Then too, in launching on deeper grief work and explorong the impact of my tangled relationships with my mother and siblings I was to learn more. Its taken years.
I now see really the place to share is meetings and therapy and with one or two others on a similar path. I have tried to maintain connections with my family but feel great sadness at times for the sons of my now dead sister who I believe had her own addiction problems and ended up very sick in body and soul due to medicated trauma. Sad news has filtered through in the past few weeks of how one of the sons most damaged is now on meds and smoking dope. On one level it is none of my business as he is an adult and has his own choices to make, my Aquarian self that lives on ideals, a wish people could feel instead of numbing pulls back though and feels sadness and disappointment, I wish he wasnt in so much pain he felt the need to escape and yet I also understand that choice.. I dont want to close the connection but I recognise my powerlessness. I must focus on my own recovery and share that.
Last week I went back to an AA meeting shedding tears for a lot of that meeting and the second one yesterday. I had the usual identification and felt such sadness and compassion for those on their fifth or sixth attempt to achieve sobriety and so grateful for mine. But I also felt respect and deep admiration for the knowing part of them that just keeps coming back and giving it another try.
Abstinence is just the doorway in to a deep deep journey in and through which all who recover have to learn to understand, know and love themselves, this is what I know and what I heard in the rooms from several who shared yesterday who are some way along that road.
At times I beat myself up because my outward journey has been sacrificed for an inner one. People ask me, do you work? What do you do? Hiw can I explain to those with lives not marred by trauma and multi generational addiction that inner work is my work. I shed a lot of tears yesterday when a woman shared how she will not work again and how lovingly her daughter said to her it’s okay Mum this (recovering) is your work now.
The guy next to me asked if I was okay I was crying so hard, then lovingly handed me a box of tissues. Who knows I may work one day in some capacity and yet I feel a long way back I was marked for an inner journey of self knowledge and recovery and I do know the more I grow in love, understanding and compassion for myself the more love I have to give others, but I need healthy boudaries, especially inner ones to protect my growing self from a harsh inner critic. My therapist helps greatly with this ongoing struggle.
Today I feel I have been restored to a deep peace. I woke with lots of blood and phlegm built up inside me, last night I was tussling with deep residual anger towards my father. I awoke put on the heated blanket for Jasper and I and opened up WordPress to write.
I know my recovery rests on expressing and articulating my journey. My North Node in Leo asks of me individuality in expression and finding an outlet for the Lion’s roar of feelings gone mute in my family over generations and for the banked up desire to free myself from the repression and thwarting of my Mars Saturn Moon now being shed light on by Mercury and Venus in opposition in the eatly degrees of Leo, deep in my twelfth house. This anger I remember always seems to emerge at this time of year which reminds me too of opportunities offered and not taken to break free. The hold of my attachment to my family trauma was so strong it held me back and I’ve had deep work do undertake here in working through and separating from it. There are so many powerful conjubctions from Sun, Venus and Mercury to my South Node in Aquarius, how could the collective not exert such a powerful pull?
I am aware of how the ascendant and North Node in Leo square or are challenged by Neptune in Scorpio, deep feelings and desire for attachment have power over me and can capture me too intensely at times, I mistakenly put myself in the role of redeemer which is a kind of denial and hubris on some level, I know this intensity and desire to grow in consciuosnress needs to be acknowledged and channelled constructively and consciously, rather than destructively and unconsciously in order thst I can stay true to the right path.
I need to trust my gut and instincts, and have the heart and courage to articulate what I know truthfuuly and from the depths of my being and launch out on my own path and tolerste aloneness when that is required for growth. A higher power certainly put me through all of this for a reason and in sharing and listening I learn and connect with those around me who share in this journey of awakening. I grow in awareness from your stories too and at meetings and learn much about humanity by sharing and listening to the struggles of others.