I awoke very lost and sad today. I had a sense of myself as a small boat cast adrift on a huge ocean tossed this way and that, having watched opportunities pass and friendships dissolve as well as other relationships and also having witnessed so much trauma in my life and in the lives of loved ones. I started to cry and I held myself in it knowing there has been much to be sad about, that I have been blind and naive in some choices due to the fact that when I was undergoing a dissolution I reached toward people who seemed stronger and more certain, those who in a way bullied me in certain outer directions due to their deep discomfort with the degree of painful feeling and confusion I was in. I didn’t always have the courage or wisdom then to say No and because I felt so lost and dissociated and hungry for support sometimes I sought support from those who couldn’t really hold their own depths, let alone mine. These painful realisations emerged today.
What shocked and also saddened me last night was I had a rare dinner with my mother and older brother. I was surprised to see the amount my brother drank. One gin, one scotch, assorted glasses of wine. He never acts in any belligerant way but his speech was slurred and he looked so tired. Mum was trying to tell him some things about her young life and he was overriding it telling her to get her story down not for him but for the town we live in. He opened up and shared about the instruments of torture the Christian brothers used on him when young, straps with blades in them. I was so sad and angry for him, it was all said with a big smile. Just awful. I asked him why didnt he mention it to Mum or Dad, surely they should have noticed? He was so quiet after school and locked it all deep inside, Mum noticed he was quiet but didnt know why. He went on to mention other harsh treatment at the hands of older boys.
Is this why I awoke feeling like the tide had come in and was sweeping me away? I had the desire to be so far away from the wounded family that does not know much of how to nurture. I see when we are together the huge part food and drink plays covering over all the pain. Despite his millions over the next few weeks my brother will stay in a huge unheated house belonging to his son and family while they are in Europe, overworking and having no one else much around. They have more than enough money to pay for heating but its a huge barren monstrosity of a house, more like a gallery than a home and impossible to heat so symbolic of what both my parents came out of. Last night Mum and I were offering my brother heated blankets and other things he just laughed off.
I shared in my blog yesterday about the deep isolation I feel replays in my family. For a time last night we were together and there were some laughs and fun, but also as the sensitive one I picked up all the unexpressed sadness too. I came back to my own heated house which isn’t the warmest either but I had a cuddle with Jasper before going to bed for a restless night and woke up feeling all spun around. This morning when I went to the chiropractor all the sadness for my brother and wounded kids everywhere just opened up, a huge black pit of sadness and disbelief over splitting cruelty. All day I’ve been opening to it, while pottering around sorting the pantry.
I see that at 53 I am so young on an inner level. I feel the young child still bonded unconsciously to her family, the one bigger events swirled around tossing her hither and thither over all those years, but I see now too how my siblings suffered in the culture of the 50s and 60s. Reading this back I also see its a sign of spiritual growth to touch base with this real part of me and others, so often split off.
In my own case I couldn’t make sense or process any of the trauma until I was abstinent from alcohol for 6 or more years. I think of my own sober life now 22 years passed, and I also see how much alcohol clouded for me and what an exceptionally long and difficult journey it is to do the inner work of becoming aware. Lately, too I also see my denial and illusions dissolving and there is deep pain in that. At the same time I am learning more about who my brother is and why he drives himself so hard.
My last partner was angry about how bonded I was to my family ‘vortex’ (his words). Yet I know familial attachments are so strong and in a paradoxical way the more insecure and difficult they are the harder it is to let go.
And we are in Cancer territory now, the crab that feels deeply the oceanic depths of the collective feelings and experiences in the family transmitted over generations, the struggle of the young self and inner child and feminine part of both men and women. Tender at the centre with a shell of protective defences around it. Today my chiropractor spoke of how intimacy is only possible if others don’t wall off or deny their wounds and have the courage to open their tender heart with others. When we live on an invalidating, dismissive culture this is so difficult to do and we fear it due to shame passed on and so prevalent collectively.
Deep in my heart I want something much healthier and yet I know the emptiness and sadness over what was denied me and what my brother and siblings suffered due to difficult past circumstances is real. In order to grow I have to face and feel the truth. Yet I also want to reach for more and heal. Today I AM sad and the best way to navigate that stormy sea is to feel the sadness and cry tears so my heart and soul can awaken and shed defences.
I feel regret and sadness too over a path of individual destiny not taken 15 years ago when Saturn was on the opposite side of my chart crossing the axis to do with career and home and deep ancestral family ties and yet I also see the complexities involved in the choice to live away from my home in the land of my ancestors.
My therapist feels I am working out issues of the ancestors, I have a Jungian therapist and I agree. My father left his home and family behind, just as my great, great grandfateather and great grandma and nana did. It was too painful for me not to be near my very ill sister who died two years ago and making that choice (to come back home) meant a sacrifice for me of my desire to live in the UK, do my astrolgy course and in the end ended my marriage.
I am in the anniversary of that experience now. Things got torn apart and lost, there were gains and growth too but much more heartache to follow.
Today i will let it be without tormenting myself. I will recognise that everything is part of the path of healing which led through a deep dark wood and that the journey is not yet over. Yes I have deep regrets but did I make a mistake or was all of this for the purpose of growing, birthing, learning?
I feel in facing our wounds as a person and collective and touching base with pain we find the deep desire to treat ourselves and others better, but we need to give up the hard shell when it is appropriate to do so, scarey and confronting as that can be at times. If we dont face and feel our wounds how can we know how to love more deeply and what is needed for peace and happiness? How can we relate and be accepted at a deep level, intra personally and inter personally?
I am tired, now. I need to rest with my beautiful Jasper. When I touch him I know what is best in life, all that is spontaneous, natural and innocent and I feel the way inside my deepest tender heart which is where I most need to live today. ❤