I am a passionate person who feels very deeply. When I write these word I imagine voices in my head and in cyberspace mocking the sentiment and telling me to get over myself. Well those voices are not to be listened to any more. FULL STOP.
A little while back following the end of my radiotherapy for breast cancer (May 18), I approached a body worker I had been having treatment with last year. She is also a homeopath. Besides prescribing me tissue salts she also sent the homeopathic Carcinosin. It is a remedy used for a cancer profile of a person who as a child was gifted, sensitive, expressive, artistic and deeply passionate and in touch with life. In the process of growing up they were pressed down by forces around them that suppressed their lively energy. As a result the passion that got subverted turned into a longing for love and to please. On one level the energy got turned away from the self and used against the self. The result is cancer in some part of the body.
I took my first dose today and I can feel that it is working. I had been crying and grieving very deeply this week anyway. I know for me this reaction is always part of being in the depth of winter here, moving towards the shortest day and the time of least light and towards the sign of Cancer associated with the Moon, Mother and Inner Child. It is the time of year at which my husband decided to leave me. It is the time of year that I stopped the forward movement into my own life in the UK and was pulled back to Australia. It is the time of year, when in seeking to go back the UK and put back together what I tore apart I had a major collision on my pushbike and cut my head open on an iron foundry after being flung over the handle bars. It is the time of year I was scammed for over 5,000 dollars on line. It is the time of year I need to face all of this and feel it in order to heal and set far better boundaries. Boundaries within which I can feel into the depths of my soul, my passion, my heartache, my loss, my abortions of babies and self, boundaries within which I can grieve and lay all of this to rest.
A favourite song that is helping me to move into this space at the moment is Ed Sheeren’s, Afire Love. The lyrics within it undo me every single time. There is the grandfather who suffered from dementia and cannot connect to his grandson. There is the grandson who does not quite understand, there is the grandmother who talks about bodily intimacy, being close, expressing love. There is the powerful image of Ed in the rain at his grandfather’s funeral wearing a black suit and a black tie which evokes powerful memories of the loss of the men in our family, my grandfather who died when I was only one, my father and the father’s before of my mother and father who died when they were 7 and 9.
Jasper and I listened to this song today in our car on the way to the lake with me crying to the depths of my soul. Today I told my Mum. I don’t know if I will ever find anyone to sing love songs to me so I imagine that I am singing them to myself (well what I really imagine is that the mother within me is singing them to my inner child). I know that the love I have sought and that got thwarted and deeply submerged with the repression and neglect of my childhood did not go away. I can feel it kicking around inside me. I feel it for Jasper, I feel it for nature, I feel it for the birds that fly across darkened windswept skies, I feel it for the child in my mother who was alone most nights over years, I feel it for the men who returned from all wars scarred by the machinations of a patriarchal machine gone mad. I feel it for the young adolescent and woman in me who got so lost over so many years and rebounded from desperate situation to desperate situation looking for a place to heal.
Nothing in me now wants to deny this passion, this feeling, this love. I do believe it is a gift, that needs to be expressed in places where it is received, not negated or abused. I am so lucky to be able to feel, though the cost of that means being hurt, in the hurt is a message and a reminder of what is needed to practice self love, self care. So I hope I never stop feeling. I hope I never have to deny my passion. I am SO SICK TO DEATH of being told I am TOO SENSITIVE, SHOULDNT FEEL THIS WAY, SHOULD PUT IT ALL BEHIND ME. FUCK THAT. I WILL NOT LET THE PAIN TOTALLY POSSESS ME BUT I WILL NOT DENY IT, FOR THAT IS WHAT WE ARE TOLD TO DO FAR TOO MUCH IN OUR CULTURE. Why are so many people medicated? Because the powers that be can control numb people more easily. A few nights ago on ABC television in Australia there was a story on killer in certain countries who are doped up on drugs to stop them falling asleep and to keep them killing, to keep them numb and full of hatred. How sick, how sad is this?
Pain is there for us to learn, pain is there because we have feeling hearts that are awake if we don’t seek to numb and deny them with drugs or platitudes. To deny this truth is to deny our souls. I will not, cannot do it any more.