Untying knots

Few likes on my posts lately.  I am sharing how messy and mixed up and untogether I am at present, confronting a painful shitload of history in which I opened myself to abuse, due to feeling starved of love, not knowing that the fundamental love and respect had to come from me, and the blaming myself and bashing myself up for not getting it right.

I don’t know it if coincided with yesterday’s full Moon which had a connection to Chiron, but painful incidents from the recent past (5 years ago) were awakened yesterday after someone approached me on Facebook looking for a “soul mate” and mother for his daughter, claiming the mother had abandoned them both.  It may be true, it may not but something similar happened to me after joining a dating site in 2011 after I split from my ex who had an investment in putting me down and taking whatever he wanted to suit his needs, not really caring much for mine.  After being groomed for a little while I was then  scammed for a significant amount of money after being fed stories of financial stress.  I kept all of the emails (there were over 50) covering a two month period.

As I read them back last night it was glaringly obvious to me now I was being groomed, the poetry he spoke, the promises, the lies.  Because I was vulnerable and hurting I fell for it, though when he went into some romantic flights of fancy my instincts were on alert to a degree, but not enough for me to break off contact.  I stayed stuck like glue.

Reliving all the pain of this overnight I am wondering why it is, when we are victims of this type of abuse, we blame ourselves.  Most certainly we need to wise up and be more savvy and aware.  We empaths are always very vulnerable due to our high sensitivity and caring nature.  But why is it, that coming out of such an abuse, we may blame ourselves and tell ourselves we should have known better?  It is my experience too, that the abuser blames us for the relationship for falling apart.  We fall for that too.  Why?   When we have had only love in our hearts and tried to be there.

I’d really like to ask my therapist about this today and would love to hear anyone’s insight into this issue.  Is it that we are used to being blamed in childhood, being told we should have, could have known better?  Is it that we are just too damn hard on ourselves?  Do we actually have the compassion for the vulnerable child in us who longed for love and looked for it in the wrong place?  Do we understand the link to a childhood where there was no one there emotionally?  Do we decide to cut off that loving impulse in future?  Do we swallow down our pain with substances?  Do we enact it upon ourselves in suicide or accidents and injuries?  All that thwarted love and longing.

After a night spent twisted around in knots, I decided the best way to tackle this today was to get up, get dressed and head out into the crisp, cold morning for a walk with Jasper.  I know I am very very angry on so many levels about so many things.  But they are all things I am powerless over, the other people who fail to acknowledge their part and hurt others without giving a shit.  I know that I cannot, must not stay double up with it going around and around inside me.  I must move it out, walk it out, talk it out, not get stuck in it. Not allow it to tie me up in knots.

Part of my hurt last night too, involved the fact that in the midst of all this pain and angst yesterday my mother called.  She tries in her way to offer support but then she will negate it all by telling me I just need to get away from things, not think about it, go do singing or dancing or get more joy.  Certainly these are all good recommendations but I would really have liked an acknowledgement of the pain and the source of all of this.  I know I am dreaming and on consideration from a wiser part of me maybe the fact of it not coming despite all my attempts is all part of the problem, one that has a reality wake up issue for me.  When we spoke yesterday I was asking her when she thought I changed from being a happy, lively child always interested in singing, acting and dancing.  Well, I can’t answer that, she said, I didn’t spend that much time around you as a child.

Yeah, that’s fucking correct Mum, I came home to an empty house every day after school. At times I was bullied by a sister who didn’t want to take care of her younger sibling and I learnt to turn inwards as I had literally no one around to speak to.  Is it any wonder that my relationships in life have followed a pattern of emotional abandonment and that due to my own narcissistic issues, I have at time abandoned others in a quest to heal?

And then I have made excuses for my Mum knowing it wasn’t deliberate and an re-enactment of her own childhood, that the anger she has towards her own mother for hitting her and emotionally abandoning her has been denied and buried and passed onto us unconsciously   (this I believe is the legacy of Moon Mars Saturn Pluto Chiron aspects).  But it is fucking hard that I have to be the one that is strong, that forgives and forgets and misses out on so much in being too forgiving at times and set up for a pattern of caring for and understanding others who lack the same capacity.  (Yet, this is I see all a learning process for me.)

This anger cant really find a place with Mum. I do finally accept this.  I know she apologises and is sorry.  This had turned from a wounded, disgruntled apology to a more sincere one lately, but I still feel very invalidated in my pain at times. I know its not the place to get the validation I need  I can get in therapy and need to be more mindful of where I look for it.  I also know that I can tie myself up in knots looking for love and abandoning my own truth and needs at times because that is the pattern of my childhood.

I know yesterday when this man told me about his young daughter abandoned by her mother that evoked my own wound and I wanted to make it better for her, for him (if he is real, who knows?). And yet a saner part of me knows this is not my responsibility and is a transference.  I played the saviour role in my family for so many years, choosing to sacrifice my marriage to be close to my sick sister who really was very deep wounded and damaged.  I felt after my father died such a responsibility to her.  Almost like a family legacy.  Yesterday I saw that old pattern being evoked and I had a choice to say, no, hang on, wait a minute.

And part of me is very angry with me that I didn’t see all this sooner and could not get the right help until the age of 53.  And yet a wiser part of me knows that that is not really how life works.  We stumble and bumble and make all kinds of unconscious mistakes all for the purposes of learning. As Seal sings sometimes in order to get things right, at first we have to get them wrong.

In the background I hear voices from outside saying “for God’s sake aren’t you over that by now”.  I hear that all the time from my Mum.  But it takes what it takes and in the end we go through.  I do hope to have moved through the deep pain soon.

Healing is a painful and lonely journey at times. We have to face our wounds and we have to do it alone (with some help) I know that’s a paradox, some will understand and support us.  But its up to us to do it, to take the necessary steps to heal.

I think when we finally get that, we have begun to mature.  We stop having the tantrum that in the end only ends up hurting ourselves.

Pluto energy seems to be very strong at the moment and awareness of these kind of Plutonian issues will come to a head over the next few weeks as the Sun shines it light on Pluto from the sign of mother and the family, Cancer.  Those of us who have attunement to Pluto have gone through many experiences of betrayal, of loss, of being hurt, of being forced into a manipulated or painful place where we struggle with wounds that seem to fester and become confused. These are wounds others cause to us, that we had little part in creating.  These are the wounds that set us up for more hurt.  It is Chiron territory too.

I am no stranger to wounding in relationships.  My best friend stole my first boyfriend.  My second boyfriend was in love with his ex and then abandoned me less than a month after my father died.  The wounds of these things and of my emotionally distant relationship with my father I carried into other relationships.  Today I just knelt down and cried from all the pain I have carried and it was as if my body was hardly able to contain it all.  Most certainly I have cried over this pain for some time, it feels like I have been excavating the deep pit of pain for some time.

I have noticed that after times of deep pain, where I am submerged for a time, after the heavy load has been felt it does lift.  The lifting requires feeling it in my body so I can know what it is and then it is released.   I realised today for this process to occur I need to keep moving, not in the sense of running from it, but in the sense of allowing it to move.

4 thoughts on “Untying knots

  1. You are doing great Deb and are making progress, even if it doesn’t feel like it. It is completely understandable that you beat yourself up so much with self-criticism,especially when your mother says ‘Aren’t you over that yet?’ She doesn’t understand the depth of your pain, because she obviously chose to bury her own pain and not deal with it, so she then projects that onto you…You were neglected and made responsible at a young age..these are things a child should never experience..You need to keep grieving until there are no tears left..This is how we heal..you also need to forgive yourself for being taken advantage of..That wasn’t your fault..It is never your fault when others take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability.. ❤

    1. Thank you so very much Athina. I think you wrote what I am feeling to be so true at the moment, others aren’t comfortable (and this includes some friends) with the depth of pain I am currently trying to process and deal with. And yes, most especially my mother. Every time I speak to her lately and am honest about how I feel, she tells me she wishes I wasn’t in that much pain. That may come from a kind place in wishing me well but its also very subtly invalidating. I am beginning to see I need to share with her less of my true feelings and keep it more superficial and only share with one to two people who seem to understand. (you and my therapist).
      Thank you so much for saying “you need to keep grieving until there are no tears left”. I am grieving truly to the depths of my soul presently and that depth seems too much for most people I know and I seem to have absorbed a lesson or message that there is something wrong with me, but I am beginning to see that is a lie. It is a sign I am deep feeling person, who need to protect her softness from those who only want to tell me there is something wrong for feeling as I do and for being me. Your support and understanding is more valuable than anything to me. Thank you so much. I know you understand.

      1. I do understand Deb! Those who haven’t been through such emotional rejection and invalidation, don’t know how it feels to grieve this. It is a much deeper grief, it is a very complex grief..When your tears lessen, you will know that your grief is coming to an end. The grief has multiple layers.. You can grieve for yourself, you can grieve for your family’s pain..you can grieve for others..You are highly empathetic and feel deeply..There is nothing wrong with you..only that you have been through too much! Your mother will not be able to handle any pain, any weakness as it reflects on her..(that she failed you as a mother) and also because she doesn’t want to deal with her own pain..I would definetely advise to keep your emotions to yourself and not go to your mother for support, as she just isn’t able to give you the support you need..You have to think of her as being emotionally disabled..Much love to you, always ❤

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