Standing on shaky ground

Its not unusual for me to wake up feeling weird.  It is sometimes as though I am trying to surface from beneath a deep ocean, perhaps the ocean of sleep, the sub and unconscious and the deep sea residue of past trauma to beach on the shore of present time/moment. It is as though I have to push beyond the strong pull of isolation too which can take me in but with its remenants cause me pain too. Having just written that I know part of me calls solitude isolation when really it is not.  As a sensitive person I am trying to care for and protect the at times vulnerable feelings that are emerging as I recover my real self while also honouring the stronger empowering ones too.

Last week I confronted lots of anger (again) 😕 and  I noticed immediately after that session I stuffed myself with food, because the feelings were so intense, then my body had a reaction which I guess was a wake up call of my Inner Child trying to say “hey, be with me, hold me, listen to me”.

On the weekend I wanted to spend time alone due to feeling a little raw but I also had a desire to be with others.  I wasnt sure which desire to follow so I did the usual routine of going for a walk with Jasper and to the dog park where somehow I got into a conversation with a lady about my separation and recovery from addiction.  She had sadly lost a niece to addiction a few years ago.

I went and had two cups of coffee after reading of someone else’s struggle with a parent. I was worried about little Jasper tied up under the table but I knew going home meant being alone again After I let Js lead free he ran towards other tables and everyone was delighted by him.  After we walked away I cried all the way home.  At home I had soup and then my body went into paroxyms again..

I am conscious at the moment I am getting a deep glimpse into old patterns and pain, as well as reactions and defences.  As an astrologer I know this intensification accompanies Full Moons as well as stations of planets especially of the action/self assertion planet Mars.

We have a powerful moon at present and it is in my house of family and identity.

As I write this I am aware of a saying of Carl Jung.  He speaks of holding the tension of the opposites.  I read something on Saturn in Sagittarius last night that spoke of living in questions rather than answers.  I guess its about keeping an open mind and not being too attached to ideologies of meaning and truth that are separatist.  Yet at times it feels as though especially in emotional recovery we need to have strong boundaries in order to guard ourselves.  A sign of emotional intelligence is knowing when to let these open to others

Sharing about this today with my therapist she said to me. Deb you are still finding your sea legs.  Do you mean by that I am only just learning how to withstand painful feelings, I asked.  Yes, she said and you are making real progress.

I shared about how careful I am to tidy up, to not make a mess, in trying to keep it all together I feel shame if and when I am vulnerable or shaky or feel as though I am going to fall apart, but in the end its the falling apart that eventually brings me back together in a new and more healthy way, it lets things out that I have felt I must keep under wraps for fear of being rejected or shamed.  But maybe the shame was all in the past, it was most especially a huge part of my last relationship, fear of shame and being shamed sent me running and shame would send my ex on a rampage of wounded defence and attack.

As I write this I fear it marks me as a narcissistically wounded individual but maybe in facing the wound lies the cure for the shame and the narcissism.  And I can judge myself too harshly at times for just being human.

Shaky today, yes I feel I am standing on  new ground and it is not terra firma but maybe that is good as something is both shifting and emerging, the tectonic plates of my grwing self are shifting, that seems an appropriare metaphor to end todays rambling attempt to piece together the fractured pieces of my shifting Self.

2 thoughts on “Standing on shaky ground

  1. Your therapist is right Deb. You are making real progress and learning to listen to what you need. You wanted to isolate yet still went out for a coffee and looked after Jasper.Keep moving forward and accept yourself, with all its colours.x

    1. Thank you Athina…i keep reaching out though when grief comes it makes me feel like isolating as I equare that with safety, but in that aloneness often there is no one to share it with, so its counterproductive.

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