I am aware that a lot of the time I withdraw. I long for the peace and quiet of solitude in which I can be unimpinged upon by forces in the world and breathe a deep breath, touch base with the eternal and inner worlds. I guess I have a powerful drive towards introversion. But at times I am aware that this pattern comes out of past pain in relationships too. And then my heart aches and I feel a longing for the sweetness of true intimacy and connection where two hearts meet, its just I have many experiences of not meeting or being met truely and having felt the pain of hurt, misunderstanding and disconnection.
And it can be hard to be an introvert in a world of extroverts who view any impulse to the inner life or time spent alone as illness or dysfunction. This was the case in my last relationship. But I also feel there was a caring aspect to a partner who saw me in deep pain and spending significant time alone and thought I would be happier to be more engaged. It was just a shame he had to disparage my inner world and impulse towards depth and solitude at times.
Over the past few weeks following the end of my radiation treatment I have felt the pull back deep inside but on some level perhaps, too I’ ve been missing the daily connection with other souls as well as the support shown. I think I haven’t realised either that my body and soul are at present so tired following the huge ordeal of surgery and daily bombardment by radiation. The burning is subsiding but my body still holds the charge of stored energy on top of all the other trauma I work to contain and process. I need to really nurture and find ways to comfort myself at the moment. I sense that yesterday’s powerful Cancer moon opposing Pluto gave me a deep glimpse into a deep personal, familial and collective wound yesterday. I spoke to my Mum and so much pain and anger came out. She was so loving to me and I had the deepest sense of the wound I’ve carried from the maternal side. I seemed to touch base with some deep, deep pain yesterday that felt much, much bigger than me. I cried lots over the past few days.
Today I cancelled an appointment. I find it hard not to honour commitments I make but today I did the right thing and cancelled, yet when I did lots of tears fell as I felt sad to be spending another day alone (but while writing this I feel happy too that I made the best choice for me). I have not seen anyone much for four or more days now and today i will be alone again by choice.
Blogging is my one powerful outlet though which I can be connected while deeply alone. While blogging everything I’ m thinking and feeling has an outlet and with my new tablet I can write with Jasper on my lap keeping his sights and instincts focused on movements outside the window. Its cosy and warm and outside dark clouds are gathering, though we have rays of sunlight too.
I’ m comforted by recent comments and words of love from special people who have connected with me through here, they bring me such warm feelings..❤ I have a sense of others who understand that its okay to be introverted, those who have suffered similar wounds and challenges which probably drove them into isolation too and I am aware that being alone doesn’t always mean being isolated, sometimes solitude is a healthy choice that can feel nurturing and bring gifts.
I am becoming aware that often I judge myself in a harsh way having internalised over years the harsh judgement of others who did not understand. I know I connect deeply in a culture that at times seems committed to superficiality and a lack of depth. From a young age I fet different, seperate or apart. I became a watcher, rather than a participant.
At the moment transiting retrograde Mars is squaring my first house Uranus, for the astrologically unaware this represents both a powerful pull towards going aginst the crowd and standing apart as an individual. It can also show very early experiences of shock and separation which lead someone to detatch or disconnect. This is the outsider who sees a lot but can feel disconnected. In the rooms of AA I met alot of people who felt like this.
Addiction often speaks of pain or difficulty with attachment and intimacy. Healing from it means addressing these wounds in a society that is more than ready to judge you, rather than understand the deeper causes. To commit to that journey sets us apart but also gives us glimpses into experiences others fear or misunderstand. Isolation can dog us until we find others who understand. And without that understanding its hard to reconnect and heal. I’m grateful for the times at meetings I could honestly share my own despair and feelings of not belonging that drove me to find comfort in substances.
Well its time for some food…These are just some of my reflections today on isolaion and solitude. Would love to hear from you about your own experiences. For in sharing we learn and connect or get new glimpses we may not have seen before.