I was deep down in the black hole of wounding and suffering yesterday. My body was beset by all kinds of painful pulls and tears and I felt as though I was suspended between two worlds. Part of me was awake but only just, I could just glimpse the surface of the world but I was being held down under a weight of something heavy which was dragging on me and try as I could to surface, I could not.
At one point I sat on a chair in the sun and the negative voices that used to besiege me for years were back. “You are a waste of space”, “It would be better for everyone if you just ended it”. There were other things the voices said but at the moment I cannot remember what they were.
The one thing that brought me back was being able to talk to a friend who listened (though I was barely able to make any sense or articulate the true reality). This friend was kind enough to offer to cook me a meal.
A call from my mother made the situation so much worse, I had to face during this call the complete lack of connection and understanding between us which has made my life hell throughout all the years of our relationship. In a state of panic due to not knowing how to respond she offered to come around only to turn up half an hour before I was due to go out. The reason she was late, she just happened to meet a friend and they had a lot to talk about and she lost track of time. I had been waiting for her visit (which I reluctantly agreed to) for over five hours.
Usually I placate my Mum, whatever she does. Inwardly I get angry but around her I suck it up, I bury how I really feel. At the moment she is so much pain with her leg that it was actually painful to be in the same room with her. And I really don’t care if readers think I lack compassion but part of my thought, I really don’t give a toss. After she left I just broke down and cried. I hate to think I can be a person with this much resentment and anger in my heart for her. But the truth is I am angry and resentful and denying it is not going to help me. The amount of times she has abandoned me in similar ways are too numerous to mention.
I really let some of my anger out this morning with a woman I have seen intermittently for counselling and who validates my anger. I must say today my energy has returned, but there is a sad, lonely feeling around. The weather has turned after the past few weeks of heat to autumnal cool and cloudy skies are covering my suburb this afternoon. With the autumn chill come some painful memories of difficult autumns past where I underwent painful things due to my history of emotional trauma and neglect.
I am just letting the memories and the feelings come today. I think I have spent so many years running and trying to deny how painful it really was. I have tried to cling onto a fairytale version of my relationship with both my mother and my living sister in order to deny how emotionally barren both relationships have been for me.
My recent experiences with breast cancer have shown me how little support I really do have, just one friend who has been consistently there for me. Over this past week I have been disappointed and let down by a very close friend who just failed to show any empathy when I was having a very dark moment.
Painful as all this has been to go through it seems to me that the necessity to confront the emotional reality of what I meet due to a history of neglect and loss that I have endured over years is so important and cannot be avoided if I really want to recover my life and my energy from depression. For lying to myself means the truth is buried into my body and I feel worse. I hand my body over to others hoping they will give me insight into what is troubling me when really I need to turn my energy and attention within myself to find the true cause.
Today my therapist recommended I not analyse or intellectualise about the anger and pain but really feel where it was in my body, how it felt and what it was asking of me. It was not an easy exercise as I feel just being with my body and not splitting off into thought is not a natural practice for me. Nevertheless real tears and pain came up and there was a cry asking me to spend less time with my family members.
I draw comfort from grooming and cuddling my dog now that he is back home with me. I feel a sense of peace and contentment just being with him. I feel the turning of the seasons is a call to nurture the soulful and spiritual life within me. I need to become aware of the voices that try to sabotage this and fill me with painful thoughts of the ways in which I am not good enough or adequate enough. When I speak to my Mum she is always encouraging me in ways to disconnect from myself. I see I never learned really to relate to myself from within because there was no one there who could mirror to me my true reality in childhood.
I see this painful state of affairs has to end for me. I need so badly to come home to me, and to this body. I need so much to nurture myself at present. And when the painful voices come I have to turn a deaf ear and see that they are phantoms and speak lies. For if I do not love myself now, who else will? If I do not stand up for my own value and self worth agains the killing criticism and unkindness of these voices, who will?