Messing Up

I’m having a bit of a melt down this morning.  I made some comments on another blog about crying and tears.  It was in response to something someone shared in comments about how they were not allowed to cry in response to their parent.   I felt immediately angry and distressed for them so I made the comment that their parent was a fucking bully.  I got a pretty curt and tardy reply that their parent wasn’t bad, they were just trying to protect them, that I had seen it in a black and white way (which was probably true).  And there were more comments along the lines that I had tried to project my experience onto them and say that tears were the only way we can feel compassion.   Which I most certainly do not beleive, but I do cry a lot and I didn’t think what I wrote tried to imply that they should do the same, but according to the blogger that is how she felt.

I wrote a few comments trying to clarify, apologise and make some amends.  But after I wrote them more tears.  I felt like I had really made a terrible mess in my comments and I felt so tender, young, immature and raw.

I know it good to have conflict and mark differentiations in this way, but today I don’t know why this just added to more deep pain I was feeling. I felt a little bit cut to ribbons.  I am not sure why I am having this response.  I know at times I am very mixed up about emotions, how and why I should feel the way I do.    I know often I jump the gun and say things that aren’t as considered as they should be.  I also know that I carry a pain that can be transferred onto external situations.  I am also scared a lot of the time.  I long to connect, but don’t always know how to connect. I can’t always see everything from another person’s point of view and I may transpose incorrect assumptions onto external situations.  In short I am human and I am not a very high functioning human a lot of the time and I am feeling even more raw and beaten around following my breast cancer surgery.

Today there is a lot of pain.  I wake up alone, spend most of the day alone and will go to bed alone.  This isn’t a poor me blog, its just a how much pain I am in today blog.  And how sad I feel when I try to connect but make misjudgements which lead to feeling sad I didn’t really get it, nor was I able to connect with someone whose opinions and ideas I value.  I wish I could talk this through with someone but maybe I just need to feel it and wait for the pain to subside.  I blog about it just to be able to express it and get it off my chest so it doesn’t add to the pain that is with me all day where my cancer was cut out.

11 thoughts on “Messing Up

  1. Hello,

    You wrote: “I felt like I had really made a terrible mess in my comments and I felt so tender, young, immature and raw.”

    My reply: What I’m about to say may not apply to you.

    I find that I feel the most raw when I feel exposed; meaning that someone else sees something in me and I’m not completely cognizant of it.

    The other thing that will leave me feeling raw is if people jump me over a common error in reasoning.

    We communicate across regional and cultural boundaries and it is normal to make mistakes. Sometimes we forget that our contacts aren’t in the room with us, or we forget that it’s more difficult to ascertain meaning when we don’t have body language and tone of voice to complete the story.

    You made a mistake but it’s hard to know what that mistake might be.

    If I understand your post the person described a parent who wouldn’t let him or her cry. That’s pretty bad. It may be that your response was accurate and he or she is not ready to admit that the parent was a bully….

    The other factor here is that the people on the other end don’t know how raw you feel, they may not know anything at all about your psyche or physical condition.

    When you factor in all of the variables what you get is the kind of misunderstanding that happens all of the time.

    And because you feel raw it stings like a personal affront…

    All that’s needed to make things right is an “I misunderstood, I’m so sorry.”

    I hope this helps…:)

    1. Thanks so much Robert. I did say I am sorry to the person. It was more a case of jumping the gun and having an incomplete understanding. I think the person knows the parent was bully, maybe they have worked through all the pain and have now forgiven the parent in a more mature way. I really appreciate your comments.

      1. Yes. I talked it through with my therapist this afternoon. I feel this person has very deep wounds from childhood that they have coped with really admirably and have certain defences. It would have been best to just stay silent on the whole issue, as others have their own way of dealing with things. I for myself need to feel my pain and cry, this doesn’t mean staying trapped there but processing it.
        Not everyone travels that path which is what makes us all individuals.
        This person doesn’t feel tears serve much of a purpose. I don’t agree.

  2. You feel the way you feel. Allow yourself that. It sounds like the other person got a little defensive and I agree with Robert that we sometimes miss a lot without body language cues. You are also feeling raw right now while you recover. Try to be good to yourself. *hugs*

  3. Oh my dear, do I ever know this pain. It has prevented me from voicing my opinion SO many times online. I have been merely a “lurker” most of the time for many, many years. I left a comment on your blog about a week ago that really exposed a vulnerable part of myself and was absolutely terrified after hitting publish. Your response was so eminently kind and thoughtful that I read it to my therapist the following day. Those of us who are very sensitive and have endured ‘suboptimal’ (to say the least) relationships with our parents are often now able to understand things in ways that others aren’t ready to. When something like this happens to me my response is to snuggle with the pupster who loves me and is absolutely confident of my kindness, no words needed. I hope you can get your furry dear one back soon (if you haven’t already). Sending you warm (pretend) homemade soup and a good book or anything else your heart desires right now. Your words are absolutely appreciated, you are adored for real.

    1. Thank you so much for your gentle wise and beautiful reply, Flora..my little Jasper isnt home yet but I will be collecting him in a few days. Those who really understand and touch their own pain seem to be the only people it is wise to expose myself to…it takes time and work to know who these people are due to what you wrote in this reply. Your words and thoughts mean so much to me. I think you have been wise to keep a low profile and lurk online. One of my tendencies due to lack of nurture from childhood is to expose too much to the wrong people. There is wisdom in self protection..love ❤

  4. “tendencies….to expose too much to the wrong people”… LOL I have definitely been down that road too! Maybe not quite so much online but OMG do I know about that! Glad you’ll have Jasper with you again soon. (Love that name!)

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