I’m having a bit of a melt down this morning. I made some comments on another blog about crying and tears. It was in response to something someone shared in comments about how they were not allowed to cry in response to their parent. I felt immediately angry and distressed for them so I made the comment that their parent was a fucking bully. I got a pretty curt and tardy reply that their parent wasn’t bad, they were just trying to protect them, that I had seen it in a black and white way (which was probably true). And there were more comments along the lines that I had tried to project my experience onto them and say that tears were the only way we can feel compassion. Which I most certainly do not beleive, but I do cry a lot and I didn’t think what I wrote tried to imply that they should do the same, but according to the blogger that is how she felt.
I wrote a few comments trying to clarify, apologise and make some amends. But after I wrote them more tears. I felt like I had really made a terrible mess in my comments and I felt so tender, young, immature and raw.
I know it good to have conflict and mark differentiations in this way, but today I don’t know why this just added to more deep pain I was feeling. I felt a little bit cut to ribbons. I am not sure why I am having this response. I know at times I am very mixed up about emotions, how and why I should feel the way I do. I know often I jump the gun and say things that aren’t as considered as they should be. I also know that I carry a pain that can be transferred onto external situations. I am also scared a lot of the time. I long to connect, but don’t always know how to connect. I can’t always see everything from another person’s point of view and I may transpose incorrect assumptions onto external situations. In short I am human and I am not a very high functioning human a lot of the time and I am feeling even more raw and beaten around following my breast cancer surgery.
Today there is a lot of pain. I wake up alone, spend most of the day alone and will go to bed alone. This isn’t a poor me blog, its just a how much pain I am in today blog. And how sad I feel when I try to connect but make misjudgements which lead to feeling sad I didn’t really get it, nor was I able to connect with someone whose opinions and ideas I value. I wish I could talk this through with someone but maybe I just need to feel it and wait for the pain to subside. I blog about it just to be able to express it and get it off my chest so it doesn’t add to the pain that is with me all day where my cancer was cut out.