The man in my dreams

I’ve come to the realisation that I am just going to post what I would normally post in a journal online here now.   And that means at the moment I want to post my dream of last night.

In the dream there was a lovely young man that wanted to be in a relationship with me.  Sadly I was diverted from being with him due to my over-involvement in or with something or someone else.  In one scene we were in the car driving and his dog which was a dark Staffordshire like terrier put his front legs on my lap.  I thought of how long it has been since I could connect to the instinctual realm (Jasper is still with the minders) and then I reached out to touch the young man’s knee.

“I’m sorry I haven’t had much time to spend with you recently.”  I said.  He seemed a bit upset about it but didn’t say much and took it in his stride.

In the next scene a friend of mine who has a very well developed relationship with her in the world masculine side (much more than me) had gone off into the bedroom with this man.  There was no concern on my part about betrayal I just wanted to be with them.  But when I got to the door way and tried to enter the opening was too narrow to get through. I reached up to a ledge and took down a foam mattress without much substance to sleep on.

The night before a friend had come to stay and we were up a bit later than I would have liked watching a documentary she brought with her.  The night before the friend in my dream had stayed.  The feeling I had from the dream was that last night I didn’t speak up with my friend about the fact I would have liked to have got into bed earlier. As a result I had a difficult night with lots of spins.

I am beginning to feel that I get these spins when I lose my boundary with someone, or extend beyond that which is comfortable for me.

Coming out of this breast cancer surgery I have been aware of how little I initiate reaching out and connecting with friends .   Perhaps if I am honest it is because some of these friends lead very externally focused lives, where as mine is quiet introverted.  I question though how much of my own extraversion has been repressed as I have loved the conversation and connection on these two past nights, how much have I not reached out due to fear and not feeling very safe.

When I moved back to my home town five years ago I was coming out of an abusive relationship and a lot of trauma so it was difficult to reach out and engage at times.  I also feel a reluctance most especially at a time when my body is tired.   Surgery of any kind makes you so very tired and because you have been impinged upon by all kinds of procedures and treatments part of what is involved in needing to be left alone comes from feeling very poked and prodded around.  Part of you longs for peace and quiet, noise can be disturbing to you.

In considering the energy of the man in my dream he was a quiet, lovely, considered person.  I could feel the wholeness in him. His energy was mature.  The friend who came around last night is very light and happy, she has quite fixed opinions and has a younger energy and sometimes she talks a lot and is a bit rough.  When she hugged me she forgot about my surgery and hurt me with her enthusiastic hug  (stronger yang Mars/Solar energy to my yin).

Deep down I guess I missed the considered slowness of my other friend as at times, the depth of our conversations and perhaps the dream showed that this energy had pulled me away from the qualities that have true and deepest value for my soul.

One of the other factors that could have affected the spins I experienced last night is that this friend is one of my friends from my old drinking days.  Last night some of the conversation revolved around past drinking and the encounter she had with one of our travelling group from overseas who experienced quiet a lot of remorse from her drinking.  My friend told me she had told our other friend that she was not so different to anyone else and should not feel ashamed.  We all drank a lot in those days and no one had judged her.  Our mutual friend was judging herself harshly and that was a reminder of my own shame around my addiction.  This did show my friend’s  empathy and compassion, qualities I very much value in her.

This lead me to thinking of the shame we can take on as addicts.  For me shaming myself for a behaviour doesn’t help and it can actually be harmful.  I need to understand the reasons why I engage in some behaviour.  It never sat well with me in AA the idea of “defects of character”.  I think we just develop unskilful ways of dealing with pain and it is natural to try to numb out one’s feelings if one has been hurt or shamed.  There is a desire to escape and we may need to use that method for some time until we learn more and find more skilful ways of dealing with problems in our life, than just numbing out.  In the words of AA we strive for progress rather than perfection.

Today I have had another quiet day of few spins after a night of feeling very spun around.  I have shed quiet a few tears this afternoon.  I spoke to my Mum and her leg injury has kept her immobilised for days.  At the time I need my Mum’s care she cannot be there for me.  This is all part of my Saturn Moon story.  I cant tell you the number of people who had to go away around the time my operation was on.  After I spoke to my Mum on the phone I felt sad for both of us.  My nephew is being married overseas this week and neither of us will be there.

I let myself cry after I got off the phone.  The sadness did pass.  I am finding as I allow my feelings a place through all of this, as I allow myself to rest, as I allow myself to cry, as I allow myself to express, as I allow myself to do only that which I am moved to do on any day, I feel less spun and I feel more connected.  Maybe through all of this I am finding my centre.  I am also just taking the time to deepen into my breath.  I want to open to the flow and touch base with and honour who I truly am.

The wound from my incision is tightening as it heals.  With a need for symmetry in my spine I find that this can throw my alignment off balance.  But I just need to allow the healing of the wound in my armpit and allow the breast time to heal.  I need patience.  Slowly I am finding it, I am letting go, opening up, allowing myself time to heal.

I am hoping that soon in my dreams I will meet my lovely man again. I long for union with that calm masculine energy, especially as Saturn sextiles my Sun, Venus, Mercury, Jupiter energy.  I am also conscious of the eclipse today which takes me into an empty space.  It is apparently a time to set intentions for the coming six months and so I will set an intention of self nurture and self care, of good food, of peaceful thoughts, of self connection and attention to my needs.  I think perhaps this is what my breast cancer journey is asking of me.  That and a need for rest, not to stress, learning to relax into the present moment, stay in touch with my body and be with whatever is arising.