The title of this blog came to me sitting under tbe shade of healing trees in a local garden café. A sunny European waitress served me and bought a bowl of water for my dog. I felt her sunshine open up a sunshine feeling in my own heart and soul. And I was conscious that only 5 minutes before I was having a conversation about wounds surgery illness drugs and broken teeth.
Touched by this current moment of peace and happiness I had a powerful image of my now dead wounded sister whose spirit lived but was so blocked trapped and restricted by a wounded body never truly loved or nurtured. Of the darkness thar captured and surrounded an amazing spirit that became quite broken…although on some level still beating its heart down deep. Neglected after a lot of trauma, unable to practice good self care my sister’s life deteriorated over many years and ended in death in a body tortured by medications prescribed that locked trauma inside.
To witness this breaking was not an intellectual excercise for me…her brokenness pulled me in so often and I made real sacrifices to stay close…but deep inside my heart and body wrestled within this land of the brokenspirited that my sister inhabited and I entered my own wilderness on a quest in which my spirit sought truth, healing and love…yet now I see the wound never fully healed and will never be resolved though death took my sister nearly two years ago. I must live with these memories in such a way they are held gently but dont break or imprison me.
Today I am in a hospital bed recovering after surgery to remove cancer from my left breast. It seems I am being sent within to the black hole of our family trauma that extended over years. To the black hole of my accident trauma that contains much pain too. My tears are falling like rain today and sad as this is yet there is a softness in this process and some tenderness and relief even though today I feel so forsaken and bereft.
I know today’s task is to accept the pain…to release it…to not hold on too tight. .. to find some peace with it. For I see when I struggle and run around the pain nothing resolves. When I freeze nothing moves forward. Whilst in the pain I am also aware that my desire for light is strong and I am also aware that darkness does not negate light but each depend upon the other for their existence. The light only manifests for me when I stay with and honour the dark passages until the darkness does its work with me. And I may forget that light can exist when darkness seems so all encompassing but it is a deep truth that light follows upon darkness as surely as daybreak follows night.
Contemplating my journey today I am aware that I was born under a dark moon Saturn during the time of an eclipse and so many times a dark passage has eclipsed me so entirely that I feared I would die from the pain and loss has come, much has been stolen, but always for a greater purpose.
Dark Moon Saturn is not the entirety of me. I also have the sunshine optimism of Sun Venus Mercury Jupiter, this gives me the spirit to endure and pay testament to the truth of our dark family trauma long passed which at times threatens to steal the light, will draw me back at times to the deep dark past and the pain body, but in bearing with this movement in time the pendulum will return. Trauma and tragedy will hopefully not be the last word for I must turn towards the light again after this dark passage is over and embrace life again, live the life that is waiting for me beyond the land of the broken spirited.