Today I realise how much I have been angry about. I know how much damage I have caused to myself and sometimes how I have hurt others because of the degree of anger and self assertion I have needed to repress. Sometimes the lid has blown off that repression and it has been difficult for others to understand how the power of the anger grew so large by having to be negated, invalidated, swallowed down. At times it has been too hard for others to be around the authentic expression of my feelings and they have felt the need to criticise and shame.
I am also realising though that there is nothing wrong with me for expressing true feelings, if others have a problem maybe they find feelings difficult to express, understand and to cope with. Maybe they are invested in denying, splitting off or repressing their own emotions and that is their choice or it may be just their unconscious defensive strategy to cope. Maybe because their life hasn’t had so much trauma there is no way they could understand the depth or intensity of mine.
I am realising that I do not need to mobilise my own inner critic to shame myself when and if I am having a powerful feeling. I can be aware of the feeling, look for the trigger, get a deeper understanding into the associations of why this particular behaviour is triggering me deeply. Instead of reacting immediately I can step back for a time or I can just watch my reaction and have a curiosity about it and give myself time to process and digest the many convolutions and associations and feelings being stirred up.
Just knowing this, being able to express it gives me a sense of power and support I never felt before. The knowing that no matter how hard things become I will be okay.
Last week in speaking to my chiropractor about how I managed an anxiety attack following the meeting with my breast cancer surgeon about my upcoming surgery she said to me “if you can just connect with yourself, your feelings and your body you will be okay”. That is SO TRUE. As long as I am connected I will be okay, I cannot be abandoned and alone if I connect with and hold myself in a loving way..