Another blog I wrote in October last year, being set free from drafts.
I do feel the astro energy shift throughout the year, and when we move from a time of air (Libra) to a time of water (Scorpio) and deep dark water at that, my soul feels it and resonates at some level, today I have been feeling deeply emotional.
Both signs are about relationships but I’ve been thinking about Scorpio today, of the slow, quiet intensity of longing for connection and love, of the earliest attachments which give us or don’t give us a sense of this love and connection or alternatively leave us with a sense of being lost and longing for a place to be, to rest, to find comfort and connection.
Today I connected with my lovely nephew. He is the third son of my oldest sister who died last year and who I miss so much, as we shared that kind of deep connection where it is enough just to be in each company and no words are necessary to be spoken because there is an understanding and love that reaches beyond what words can convey. I must say I don’t really have this feeling with any other member of my family and I do feel a deep connection to this particular son of my sister. He has a wide open heart. In his company it is possible to be and to feel.
I was sharing in a blog last week about the fear I have at times around connecting, knowing that when I do connect the essence of my sister who lives in her sons will be touched and bring me to tears, but the tears remind me of how precious love was, how important my sister was to me and how hard it was to watch her suffer. That love will never die. What she gave to me lives inside of my heart like a gift. I can draw on it in my sad moments.
I needed this calm, kind presence and acceptance today which I found with my nephew. I was really struggling and I spoke to the Body Harmony therapist when overwhelmed and the outcome was a huge discussion about the repetitive nature of trauma which she witnesses occurring as a story is told over and over. I’ve shared about it in another blog and I don’t quite get it, I must say, though my mind is open to her views, but I wasn’t really up for an intellectual discussion about the semantics of trauma.
My nephew and I weren’t sharing any ‘stories’ as such but we did share some feelings about my sister which was more of a comfort and felt so healing for me as part of what the therapist had asked me was what I might like to say to my other family about the grief I struggle with, what I might need from them.
At first it was hard to articulate but then it came to me I would like us to be able to sit together and share our feelings. The truth is that with some members of my family this is difficult, they would rather keep them private. So I am lucky to have this relationship with my nephew.
I guess its enough to say that just acknowledging this need at the time was enough for me. Presently the Body Harmony therapist is trying to get me to shift my focus onto what comes next outside and beyond my trauma, my other therapist (who takes a different view) has pointed out the Body therapist’s anxiousness to move me forward. She hasn’t said if it is wrong or right because she is a different person altogether, one who is more comfortable with depth. I understand the wisdom of what the Body therapist is saying, I just wonder how realistic it is. I have lots of good days which she doesn’t witness. I came away from the conversation feeling a bit of a failure.
In short I’ve had a bit of a negative reaction to the BH therapist today. I was trying to share with her something and she cut me off in the middle with a misplaced observation, when I gently confronted her she thanked me and I think she felt surprised. I’m beginning to wonder if I don’t feel better in my own skin when I am not working on my trauma too much, just finding myself in a place of calm acceptance and surrender.
What also helped me was opening up an anthology of poems, one of which I have also posted today. This poem put me in touch with my heart. It was a poem about meeting and greeting yourself with love.
Lately I have been playing myself love songs too. One of my favourites is The Way You Look Tonight. One of my favourite lines in the song is. “You’re lovely, never, never change.” This is the exact opposite of what other people who have not truly loved me have told me over the years. I was sharing about it with my nephew today who has found a warm, true, deep love of his own. He told me how he is loved in and through, even his most challenging issues and traumas he developed from loosing his Mum for a nine year period when he was small.
I am so very glad he has found this love but it does bring home what is missing in my own life and what has wounded me too. And yet, as I consider it, I have to ask myself the question. “Isn’t it enough for me to find and express self love in this life?”, for without it I am truly lost. It would be lovely to share my life with someone who could just love me for me, but in the absence of this can I love myself enough? The thwarted longing for connection can throw me back on myself and there will be times when the longing like an accurate arrow will find and lodge in its target. But I will always be returned to me, to the gift of my own company. The deeper question is this, Can I love and accept what I find there? Can it be enough?
I’m beginning to see how much I push myself forward on some days. When my father died I was pushed to go overseas alone, it wasn’t a good time to be travelling alone. That pattern has repeated resulting in me moving away when what I most needed was a cocoon, comfort, acceptance, tenderness and safety.
After the last painful relationship in which I sacrificed my needs to follow his, I finally found and began to build my own refuge. Maybe its time to realise that all I really need to heal is here. That what went down though so painful had a core lesson embedded deeply within it.
There seem to be so many voices around us in society telling us we need more than we have. The truth is there is abundance we can find when we find ourselves present and awaken in a precious moment where we experience that we are and have enough.
Emerging From The Dark Night 