Its been a sunny morning of deep reflection and feeling for me this New Year’s Day. I have a sense of hope that wasn’t there before at this time last year, a sense of very dark times passed through over many years, but most especially the past five which saw separations all around, illness and death as well as the rising up of past traumas for healing. I guess this is all par for the course for Chiron return time but I also feel there is a collective awakening and healing that is working out on this planet and involves all of us who are working to heal and become more conscious. I feel we are being asked to connect with our deepest self and nature so that we learn not to exploit or abuse nature within or without, at least that is my take on it after 20 or so years in addiction recovery.
Today I had a difficult call to make to a family member. I had been invited to a wedding which is taking place overseas, in my heart I wanted to go but I also had mixed feelings as there as been so much trauma associated with this part of the family for the past 10 years and my health has not been wonderful, in short this year I see I need to practice a huge dose of self care. Today I made the call. I could only leave a message and it was a long one. I’m never entirely sure of the right way to communicate, how it will be received, I felt a lot of emotion at the end of the message as I know in my heart I want to be there but the trip just seems a bit too big for me at the moment.
It was a relief to feel the tears fall as I got off the phone. To recognise I had been naked and vulnerable with the call but self protected too and I gave out in love from what I feel without putting on a front. After I got off the phone I received an inner message from myself to my Self. It said this
At the moment you just need to be patient and kind to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a small child who is trying to learn and grow. Be the loving parent to that child, hold her, care for her, nurture her, tell her she can do it, (what ever “it” is), if she feels that is truly what she wants to do.
There is a softness around me as I sit here on the couch typing this. I can feel the great rage and sadness I have felt in not really getting my needs met or understood in the way I needed them to be, abating. I am beginning to realise that in accepting and understanding this there is a chance both to grieve and to reach for a new beginning.
My usual therapist took a months leave on the 18th of December. It felt painful (unconsciously) to be abandoned at this time of year. Two years ago I underwent a sinus operation and no one of the family chose to stay with me, but rather to go away, then last year I was alone again (my choice) and I had four days of ongoing nose bleeds and clotting. This year my therapist offered me the support of another person to stand in. At first it felt too much to have to tell yet another person (this is about my six attempt at therapy) my story. But despite the fear I pushed through and we connected in a good way, its just we haven’t been able to have the two weekly sessions, only one over the past week. One of the things she said to me on boxing day when I was deep in grief after Christmas and all it brings up for me was that in time she felt, as I allowed myself to grieve I would find the way forward to a new beginning.
I have managed to hold through it all. In the time alone I am learning new ways to be my own best parent. My sense of self and boundaries has never been strong. I am beginning to see the mixed messages I get from my Mum which tell me to over ride my inner truth in subtle ways, this is one of the reasons I have needed a better mirror, a person who is not so deeply in flight from and scared of her own emotions.
Anyway today it feels good to just go gently with myself. I thought of the best way to start this year. It was to write a list of self care things I am going to do this year to get help with things I need and to engage in soothing, nurturing activities which are good for me.
I just came across a lovely posting on Facebook’s Emotional Sobriety page. It was about self rejection. In time I will post it here, suffice to say for this year I no longer want to self reject in the ways I see I have done in the past year. Each year brings me closer to myself on this path of recovery. Each misstep taken shows me the right path to take. A lot of its trial and error but I know if I can just be patient and kind with myself along the journey things will be okay. Just knowing this gives me a sense of hope and peace.