This is an old piece I never published when I wrote it. It must be nearly two years ago now as Mars was in Libra and retrograde when I wrote it. At present Mars is back in Libra I’m moving some of my old drafts out there.
Is anyone else feeling the inward turning at the moment/
In the Southern Hemisphere we are moving slowly towards the Autumn Equinox in a couple of weeks. Searing hot, dry days are giving way to cooler overcast ones, with the blessing of beautiful showers falling on the garden, softening and transforming brown into green. There is a silence and stillness, at present which I guess comes too from living alone. And I am conscious of many of the relationships that have passed out of my life.
Saturn transits can bring a kind of loneliness anyway and with Saturn now retrograde maybe the separations and critical turning points are closer to the surface. I dreamed of my ex husband last night. He was happy with his new baby, wife and family and I overheard a conversation where they no longer wanted to have any contact with me. “Tell her to stop calling”, he said to his wife in the dream.
The truth is we don’t have contact these days. There is no animosity or hard feelings, just acceptance and we have both moved on. Me to a much more solitary and quieter life. But I guess in Autumn memories come of turning points in our own marriage when we moved out to new adventures and I am conscious that in my life there are no turning points at present. And with Mars now retrograde there is a need to introvert and I have to make an effort to keep the focus on daily tasks that need my attention, otherwise the temptation is to spend days and days on the computer in blog space or writing and having minimal real contact with the day. This happened over the past few days and it has filled a need of my soul, but at the same time there has been the consciousness that connections with others have gone by the wayside and as I write Jasper is getting restless, chewing at himself which is dog language for “come on, lets get out of here I need to walk and have some fresh air”.
Mars is in Libra so I guess at the moment its about finding the balance between being in and out. The polarity point of Mars in Libra is, of course, the sign of Mar’s rulership, Aries. So I am more than conscious at the moment of that push pull between self, self expression and action and others, the demands of relationship and vacillation between opposites. The point of it all might be in not going too much to one extreme, or paradoxically, doing just that in order to find out that the balance indeed needs to shift and the pendulum swing back in the opposite direction. There is a natural homeostatis within nature, an optimum realm whithin which our bodies can function well. Maybe with so many planets in my seventh house I seek that balance anyway and find it hard to just put the focus on myself and my expression without considering the impact or other pulls from those with whom I am in relationship.
Loneliness disappears when I enter into my own life and heartfelt pursuits. It becomes stronger when I spend too much time thinking about things and getting lost in thoughts of what could not be in past relationships. Those thoughts are less strong now and its a healing thing to know that in choosing the places in which to place my enthusiasm and energy I can have a positive impact on my own life, since for most of it I have often looked to others to fill the voids.
Perhaps I am coming home to myself, finally, ending old patterns. Maybe the message of the dream was that I need to stop calling on those old memories, recognise that life has moved on and it all happened as it should. I spend too much time thinking I made mistakes and not enough accepting that these are really just the consequences of my life working out as it was meant to.