This is a piece I wrote a while ago for my sister who has just undergone surgery for breast cancer.
I want to fly free of this place of suffering and pain where joy is not allowed where a happy smile is crushed under the weight of doom prediction stealing all happiness.
When did it become so difficult to dance, to see the light and funny side of life, even in all its darkness. What pleasure is there in a prison of solitude built brick by brick by fear, suspicion, mistrust and doubt? I no longer want to live there. I long for open space, for the sun, for empathy, for the release of happiness and dancing that does not deny tears and pain but finds meaning in it and through this process transforms rain into sunshine and flowers.
I am not naïve I know that flowers fade and fall to ground, the petals leeched of colours but in these are still the memory of how sweet a rose smelt at the height of late spring. I know darkness is a precursor to the dawn and dawn will bring in time the day which has sewn in its last embers the dusk of approaching night and still I want to love and keep the faith through all of this.
I hear such pain in your voice when we speak, I know the suffering you feel. You say you are waiting for someone to come and wave a magic wand, and make it all okay, but life isn’t like that. It is part of growing up and so I wish you would stop swallowing the drugs and trust your guts because it’s lonely here having no one to talk to about what really happened.
I was with you in those years and I saw how hard you fought for your sanity only to be labelled mad. I was never seen, being unseen and alone I saw everything and my body knows how it felt to duck and dive and be on hyper alert for the explosion of anger and what toll this took.
We are no longer so young, no longer prisoners of childhood but finding our freedom means that the adult in us must take our frightened children by the hand and lead them away to a safer happier place and bear witness to the truth, give her a place where she can be heard and comforted and re-parented.
It will be a bitter pill but the realisation will come that with the pain we swallowed we also swallowed so much joy, and in feeling and releasing the pain from our wounded tissues we will find joy and redemption.
I want to dance, I want to sing, I no longer want to be caged. I want to fly out on wings of flame that I built through every passage of knowing who and what I am, what it was I suffered and what it is I long for, that food that can only feed my soul, while feeling the pain of what was denied and of all the mistakes I made to get to here and out of that finding the true core of what I need to truly live my authentic happiness.
I cannot stay in this place of endless suffering.