Its been a tumultuous seven days. Last week I had intense body symptoms and nosebleeds. I felt as though I was being pulled this way and that and there was an intense pressure, lots of tears, panic, a feeling of a need to rest but being pulled upon by external commitments to therapists. I was beginning to question and the need to be still and self contained was seesawing with this pull from outside. I had read somewhere that the New Moon at 19 Scorpio would trigger this kind of karmic issue pull.
This week it still feels as though a wild storm has been raging. I was not surprised to hear of the terrorist attacks later in the week (I don’t watch the news much, though I do listen to news on radio). It had felt in my body as though something huge was going down. bigger than just my small psyche.
This week I thought may have improved. I went to my therapy appointment yesterday feeling very sad and torn around. The drains at my place had flooded shit and tissue all over the drive earlier in the day. I had used a lot of toilet tissue for the bleeds I had had, one of which went on for over two hours. I started to panic at the mess and stench before calming myself and taking steps to start to clean up with rubber gloves and a bucket of water and disinfectant. I called the plumber and waited patiently at home forgoing my plans to go out to the park with Jasper. Soon he arrived and informed me he could fix it tomorrow morning as if he had to do it later it meant a drive backwards and forwards from North to South. It wasn’t a critical emergency, just a lesson in letting the mess be for a time, at that point I had surrendered.
I ate a sandwich and headed out to my therapy appointment where I felt myself on arrival shaking and holding onto my bag with floods of tears. I don’t know where the session went from there as its a blur considering the pain of what was to transpire in the last half hour.
In the early stages a baby magpie appeared outside the glass sliding door calling for food, then he was joined by what my therapist said were his siblings and a cacophony started up. The therapist said something about sibling rivalry and how the noise of their neediness and hunger annoyed her. Trigger for me. What? I was feeling for them and wishing them to be fed. Earlier I had been reading about how animal need is a desire for pleasure and comfort. To her further comments made it seem like such demands were a nuisance.
The session went a little while talking about time I had spent with my mother as well as worries and sadness I had for my sister recently diagnosed with cancer who is really struggling before all this criticism just started to flood out of my therapist, how in the past week she had seen me regressing that I had obviously blocked the drains by putting my tissue in the toilet when that was what landfill was for, or rather she asked in what I felt to be an aggressive tone of voice “what do you think landfill is?”. I started to feel shock at this. I said that though landfill filled the beautiful earth with our junk when really it was the place for soil or earth, which is why I put the tissue down the toilet. She looked at me as if I was dumb, raise her eyes. When I called her on this response she accused me of having a persecution complex. More confusion from my side, pain, disbelief……we then had a discussion about how I felt I may go back to my AA meetings for a while “How will that help you?”, she asked. I said I wasn’t sure but at least I could share somewhere where I could be heard and they would not be charging me money. “Well you are free to leave if you wish.” Followed by “Maybe I am tired of the work with you today.”
Perhaps my money comment was unreasonable, its natural that she should charge for her time, its just that when I am really in need it has been so hard to be able to connect with her, she offered me to call, then forgot to charge her phone, she offered me to text the next day and then didn’t check the phone until 7 pm.
At the end of the session I left in floods of tears and went to the dog park where the dogs came up to me and licked my face. Their owners were asking “Are you okay?” I had no words. I was just doubled over in pain and sadness. I didn’t want to say much but later a lady came to me when I was sitting on the bench as I could not stop crying and I told her what happened. She said it didn’t seem right. “Why do people want to hurt you?”, I asked.
This morning a text came from the therapist saying she hoped I was in a gentle peaceful place. I had not been. I had slept well but I was twisting and turning playing the entire thing over in my mind along with the times I have had to accede to her boundaries and not have my needs met as a result, as well as comments she had made that only seemed to affirm me when I had it all together and seemed to be doing well, judging me when I was failing, the concentration on my appearance her admiration of my families financial success etc. I was also beginning to see alarming similarities with my mother.
After reading her text I sent her a long text to say how I had been feeling and how I had a sense the nosebleeds, blood and phlegm had to with anger and tears, she sent this back. “Please stay afloat.” Why did it feel like a slap in the face? Am I reading this wrong, as if I had to please her. I was at this point feeling rage. I wrote a text full of expletives I didn’t send. I just sent this. “Please sort your boundaries, Rae.”
Part of me doesn’t want to go back. I just want to rest with my dog and be in the peace of life where I can be with me and be still and know. Slowed down enough to listen for the beating of my own heartbeat, open to the answers it is longing to tell me. But another part of me had opened up with her, found a place to express some grief. Would it rebound on me negatively if I did not go again. Could I just do that, not turn up for the next appointment?
I want to hold the hand of my inner child, who is so tired of this kind of treatment from people. I felt from the beginning her ability to be there was only 50 percent and so I had to cop it. I appreciate that I have to hold myself, that that is what therapy leads to. Maybe its just that now that is what I am meant to do. Maybe I asked too much of her. Maybe its all too much for both of us.
For today I am sharing, willing for comments and insights and taking the time to just feel the pure pleasure of having nowhere I need to be but home here with myself. I don’t really know what to do. One of my best friends said “Listen to your heart.” I will take that advice.
Post script.. After publishing and reading this I was overcome with grief and fear. A thought came. What if this a turning point and she is right and I don’t go back and don’t grow. Then a voice just came. Why cant you just love and accept yourself as you are. You are enough.