Do you know where you end and others begin? Can you separate yourself from the suffering of others that you love? Is that unkind? How do you maintain your own health and sanity when those around you are suffering? How do you practice self care and how do you differentiate and understand when you are getting enmeshed?
These are just some questions I have at present. I don’t know if this is happening because it is Scorpio time but at the moment I have been feeling deep, deep pain. With my Natal Neptune in the third house of communication and mind at times I absorb the feelings of others. At times I may even absorb their tiredness or I pick up psychically if they are undergoing something painful, especially close family members. At the same time I find it hard at times to maintain separation. I think of the other person’s feelings and sometimes I place those above my own.
I was chatting to a friend about it the other day and she said one of the legacies of our Catholic education and indoctrination is the sense that as women we need put the needs of other first, be selfless, patient, kind and not draw too much attention to ourselves. What in that case falls into the shadow for us?
I’ve done a lot of reading on the shadow and the way to work out what for us are shadow qualities. The biggest sign is when we get very irritated with other people. In my case I get very irritated with people locked in their own world who don’t consider others, case in point, on the road. Lately I have noticed I can get into a rage about it.
This is an extreme reaction and I am sure there is a lesson in it for me. I should be able at times to put myself first and not always have to consider doing the right thing, giving way. At the same time I like to….big quandary. I guess what I am trying to say is that deep at heart I wish sometimes I could just be a bit selfish and not suffer endless guilt about it.
I have natal Chiron in the seventh house of relationships and I have read that this indicates a wound of being overly nice, fearing honest confrontation and difficulties with taking on board other’s issues. With Saturn squaring it at present I think I am being given critical lessons in pulling back from this pattern.
One other pattern I have due to not being mothered or mirrored very well is that I look to therapists to help me deal with my pain and give me answers. At some times this is good but at other times I know my body and soul and inner child is crying out for ME to pay attention to her. I need to really listen deeply to my intuition and my body about this at present as its seems I am getting intense reactions when I hand my power over to others and look for them to heal me.
I have learned enough to know I have to take responsibility for my own healing. In the case of my sister she made choices to rely on drugs and psychiatrists to deal with her pain and not to look at early childhood problems. She has had more support from my mother as well following the breakdown of her marriage. I know her responsibility to heal lies with her. I have to let go and let it all work out. She and my mother speak every day. I can be dying with pain and don’t get a phone call for weeks.
This has turned into a bit of a rant about them as I am annoyed at present. Reading it back some months after I wrote and posted this to my drafts folder I see that there has been a need for me to begin the work of looking within. I need to let the anger go at my Mum and focus on what I can do to nurture and take care of me. Truth is I am an adult now, though I know I have at times a very hurt, scared and wounded child within.
As I develop the ability to be with this part of myself and exercise boundaries and self care I feel better. If I look to others too much I miss the essential truth that I do have what is needed within to love, care for and parent myself. I can begin to recognise when I take on too much and lovingly let go. I can begin to recognise what is and is not my responsibility and help my inner child to realise that all the love I need can be found from within most of the time. When I am feeling especially down I can reach out to people who are validating instead of gravitating to those who are not my own inner feeling reactions are the best guide I have to this.