Aware of my heart

I have been having a very painful week.  It has been had to get moving, as though there is a huge weight of resistance and deep, deep tiredness that I have not been fully aware of and I have not been letting my body rest and drop into being as much as I need to do at this time of year.  I was reading an astrological blog about yesterday’s New Moon in Scorpio which spoke of the Sabian Symbol for 19 degrees of Scorpio where this New Moon falls.  It spoke of a woman pulling aside a curtain to find what was hidden behind.   In the commentary it spoke of the struggle to understand things we may be going through and how important it is to tune into our inner guidance.  It also spoke of feeling pulled around my karmic ties which has been a strong theme for me this week as my sister goes through tests and procedures prior to an operation soon for breast cancer.

In the case of Scorpio and its ruler Pluto it seems we suffer through experiences which deeply affect us down to the roots of our very marrow.  Hearts can be broken through too many Plutonian events of changes forced on us by nature and fate, and we can be torn about by forces inside in response, perhaps deep dark emotions we may not even be fully aware of but which come out sideways.   There is a struggle in Scorpio or with Pluto with compulsions, attachments, the need for power and control being challenged by the realisation of what is out of our control to do anything about and we may go through a struggle with letting go.  Often before we do we have to come to a deeper realisation of what we have been hiding from ourselves.

On another note I wrote a blog which I posted then put back to draft yesterday.  It was about the childhood story of a little bird who went all around asking of people and things “Are You My Mother”? The blog seemed a bit messy and all over the place according to my inner critic.  I was trying to speak of how it feels when we are unmothered and the struggle we can go through looking for mothering in the outside world only to learn that as adults we have to learn to be a good mother to ourselves as well as the struggle we go through with the tangle of mixed up dark emotions that can come from feeling emotionally abandoned.  This kind of background sets us up for a long journey of unearthing, navigating and reassembling the mixed up pieces of us.

If I look at the lesson here in my own life, one in which I have been like that little bird going this way and that asking of others the mothering I did not get, I come to the realisation of what a Good mother might be.  The good mother I imagine treats my heart tenderly, she listens to my fears and worries and confusions without berating me, minimising me or judging me, she helps me to understand what underlies my feelings of pain, tiredness, confusion. anger and frustration and helps me to hold them and transform them.  She gives me the encouragement to support myself and be strong.  That does not mean I don’t collapse in a heap sometimes, though.

After a few days of deep introspection I see I am not a kind mother to myself a lot of the time.  I don’t always listen to my heart and stop and rest when I need to.  I don’t listen to a heart that is crying out for connection at times and tries to make itself felt by all kinds of body struggles and body symptoms.

I have been isolated and alone for a lot of years and have intensified that through some of the choices I have made but I am also aware that my need for a deeper spiritually connected life also demands some form of solitude.  At times I struggle with this and it can become a kind of emotional prison and I find it hard to get out of it.  I also find in our modern world that many people seems to be running around like hamsters on a wheel that doesn’t seem to stop, they don’t always have time and sometimes getting together with the wrong people leaves me more disconnected.

One of the reasons I love the dog park is that there, people seem to have time to just be.   Living alone this is a place of connection for me but on the wild rainy days of which we have had many this week it just isn’t possible.

I am aware of my heart and its needs and longings today.  As the Sun passes through Scorpio I struggle with depression and the buried grief and sadness from things past.  I am aware of not brooding too much on these things so that I spiral so deeply downward it becomes all encompassing.  I am aware that I need also to bring light and joy into my life.  At the moment I am feeling very alone at times. When so aware of this I need to find a way to reach out.  Too much aloneness at the moment is feeling quiet unbearable to me too.

I had 36 hours of bad nosebleeds in the past few days.  I was aware that my nephew was going through an operation and I sent him a text to send him love.  When I told him of the nosebleeds he said to me “there is so much sadness around that its almost too much for the body to bear”.

With those words he said it all.  My sister will soon face surgery for breast cancer.  My other sister died last year. I am not always sad about my dead sister as I feel it was her time to go, but what she went through in her life was so difficult and barren, there is really no way to be true and real by glossing over what was a terrible tragedy.

Today I am very aware of my heart.  When I had a two and a half hour nosebleed a few nights ago I thought “where the hell is all this blood coming from?”   There were masses of huge clots I coughed up.  I then thought that the heart is the pump for the blood that circulates through our body.  In spiritual dimensions the heart is the great connecter and must connect too to other hearts and those with whom we share attachment or DNA connection.  Its a profound mystery to me where all of this blood was coming from.  I am aware of vast deep dimensions beyond ordinary consciousness and this New Moon just passed over my natal Neptune in the third house.

Sometimes it is only blogging that can bring me out of this very deeply inward intense state, so when I felt lonely today I reached out for WordPress.  When I am so alone I need to remind myself that this is not true on the spiritual level, there I am connected.  Maybe the world wide web is just such a connection of this kind.  It gets a bad wrap at times and I need to be present in my body and in nature too, to heal, but something about blogging gives my heart a place to express and to connect to other hearts.  So for today, this is my place of connection.