The light returned

Today sometime in the afternoon the light returned after a morning of great darkness.  I am aware of the part WordPress plays for me in this process.  Nearly two years ago I was in so much pain following a sinus operation just prior to Christmas.  I faced that day alone and following a google search I found a post on Uranus transiting the eighth house written on the blog space of An Upturned Soul who some of you may know from here.  Through a chain of connection that led from this to other posts, Ursula ended up publishing a poem I wrote about my last narcissistic relationship and she recommended I start blogging.

I was not entirely sure how my writing would be received. I have used writing as a form of therapy since I was very young.  When I felt as though there was no one around to listen or understand my deepest feelings, I could always pour them out onto the blank page.

After my marriage ended in 2004 I retreated to the coast house my Dad built in the years prior to the major car accident I suffered at age 17, in 1979 and while in isolation there I wrote reams and reams of journal entries, reflections on my recovery, stream of consciousness writing with both the inner accuser voice as well as the  voice of a loving archetypal Mother figure who stepped in to comfort me when the times were particularly dark and lonely.  There were days and days on which I saw no one.  At times I could not sleep but still it was an achievement to get out of my pyjamas all day/ I had a lot of trouble breathing and began to suffer strange symptoms.  At times it was hard to eat, just to walk a part of the way down the beach was a Herculean effort.  Another two accidents followed as I made attempts to leave my self imposed isolation behind, I was at war with a lot of the darkness I was being forced to face.  I now know having suffered so many endings and so much loss I was being forced to face grief but I didn’t know how to deal with it and it was hard to feel it alone.

Being given the opportunity to find a voice via WordPress to speak about my journey of trauma and recovery has helped me through the recent dark times following the death of my older sister and the mental illness of my other sister at the same time as I have been working through the grief of painful relationships stretching back across years.  I am aware of the time I have needed to be alone and heal, but I am also so fully aware of how important good connections are in that process.

Earlier today I shared about the really tough day I was having.  At one point I was on the floor in foetal position with spasming pain all through me, the pulling and tearing was the hardest it has ever been and I was struggling to breathe.  When I finally managed to get upright and take a call from my Mum, I cried and cried.  Then I felt a release of the weight on my chest as I followed a like as mentioned before and found links to other sites of people undergoing similar trauma.  A little of this is a repeat of what I wrote about in the earlier blog but my reason for writing this one tonight is to say publically thank you those of who have expressed empathy and support and shared your own struggles.

I feel there is a healing community here on WordPress which can help some of us in the darkest times to express what we are going through and see a return of the light.  Reading the experiences of others who suffer too helps us to know we are not alone.  We all have wisdom to share.

I’ve just come back from a dinner with my Mum and her best friend.  My relationship with my Mum is healing.  For so long she just did not get what I was going through but lately as my other sister has struggled with her own bi polar illness I have felt my Mum trying to compensate for what she could not give us when we were young. Both she and my father worked very hard. They were not bad parents but neither were they emotionally present, their attention was consumed with business and their priorities were not focused on emotions and inner needs.  Neither had much in the way of nurturing themselves.

Add to this the stress we all went through following my older sister’s breakdown and abandonment by her husband and most particularly the pain we went through when my father became really ill with terminal cancer and died very suddenly following complications after an operation to remove the cancer from his internal organs, all deeply Plutonian events, huge underworld experiences banking up which took me into the realm of addiction in an attempt not to feel, not realising this was what was going on.

The pain of father and mother hunger took me towards three heart breaks, as I struggled with feelings I could not really express.  When love came and gave me the opportunity to reach for sobriety and recovery I took it but after a number of years my buried pain opened up and my husband and I did not make it through.

In a circular way I have now returned to the earlier paragraph in which I wrote about finding myself alone and writing in the house by the sea my dead father built.  I know now I needed to really feel the darkness of all I had gone through and writing could take me there but healing and feeling the feelings takes more than this.  Writing comes often after I have made sense of some of the feelings which are not fully conscious as more than curious body pains and sensations.

In the midst of this there was another relationship which was also a repeat of low nurturance themes I have struggled with over many years, in the end the nurturance I needed has had to come from therapy and from recovering people in groups and online here.  I am very grateful for this forum which helps me to know I am not alone.  That so many others suffer in similar ways and that they appreciate the effort to give voice to what is at times very painful and difficult.  I’ve been able to share some of my writings, thoughts, feelings, struggles, insights and poems here which has given me a sense of purpose in some way.  I know there are so many others of us out there attempting to do the same.

I feel a great returning of the light tonight.  I am aware that over the next little while the Sun in Libra will oppose Uranus in Aries while squaring transiting Pluto in Capricorn.  The name I would give to this process (Pluto will soon station to move direct again after 5 months of backward transit) is an unleashing of personal authenticity and emotional freedom through purging and emerging the dark emotions.

At present Pluto is transiting my fifth house of the inner child and self expression. There are so many of us out there who are aware of the importance of the Inner Child within, it seems to me that this part of us holds the authentic key to our spiritual essence.  We need to learn how to love, care for, understand and parent this precious little one in us who holds the light for us, even in reminding us of the darkness we faced in never finding support for him or her while growing up.  Part of the journey is to feel and recover earlier feelings and make links to today in order to understand and parent ourselves as emotional beings who can have emotional awareness centred in love not through rejecting our fear but through understanding and embracing the fearful self in love and compassion.

I believe that the power of love can overcome the power of ignorance and fear.  We should not be afraid to voice the deepest darkest feelings we have, for this is the way that light returns to us and to the world. Tonight I am feeling very much the return of that light.  To those who have reached out to me today.  Thank you, so very much.  Collectively we are undergoing this transformation very much tied up with the outer planets Uranus and Pluto because collectively we are all connected by mutual experience.  For me there is great peace that comes from this awareness which grows in power as we share honestly and reach out.

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