Growing some spine

Well people I have over 33 documents in my drafts folder.  I wrote this one well over two years ago so I am letting it out for some air, not sure why it never passed the censor!

Ever got really insanely, blisteringly angry with someone, something?   I had an experience of this state today and its never a comfortable experience for me.  I shared about it with someone I trust and she helped me to understand that a boundary that was very important to me had been crossed by someone.  This person works as a body therapist and as I was speaking about the issue she acted as a witness to me of what effect different expressions of anger can have on body posture, most especially how upright the spine is when we use anger as an empowering experience allowing us to move the energy in a way that is assertive, rather than purely aggressive.

We spoke through the difficulty I had with feeling free to express anger in a healthy way due to a family background in which I wasn’t really helped when upset or angry, only sent to my room and admonished for being “bad”.   Anger can feel like I am being bad especially if the expression of that anger in response to something someone else did is not empathised with and the person involved is invested in making me feel bad.  The bottom line is that anger is a sign that boundaries need to be drawn, that an important value of ours may have been violated.  Anger is a sign to me of what has value to me, and of what I can and cannot tolerate.

I’m interested in this at the moment, considering transiting Mars (planet of agency, anger, assertion and aggression) is currently moving through my 12th house and ever closer to the ascendant while squaring 3rdh house Neptune and opposing my Aquarian Sun, Venus, Mercury, Jupiter and South Node in the seventh house.  In addition transiting Mars is beginning to form a wide waxing trine to transiting Uranus in the eighth house.

Transits through the 8th and 12th have to do with energies that may have been buried in the unconscious becoming more conscious to us, through conflicts or experiences which bring our attention to them during the transit. Aries, ruled by Mars, rules my eighth house and represents that the energy of assertion and creative agency has fallen into the shadows.  I may feel (and do at times feel) scared and guilty for expressing and asserting my own needs. All my Aquarian planets and the South Node there encourage me to forget myself and look to what the family or group needs, my Leo North Node in the first indicates that in order grow forward I need to be able to feel a sense of power and strength in the expression of my Self, to become more of a King of my own domain.

Added to that the polarity planet of values Venus is currently also transiting retrograde in the sign of Leo (currently at 16 degrees) towards transiting Mars moving forwards at 11 Leo.  In all the reading I have done about retrograde Venus transits I have learned that frustration can build into old unresolved psychic conflicts around relating, relationships, self esteem and self value as Venus moves backwards.  It may be a time we have to go to war or learn about the values that are important to us, due to being frustrated or denied.  A force for transformation builds as Venus stations to move forward again which it will do

My anger today wasn’t just about the person involved.  It had a lot to do with how I was feeling inside at present.  A little put upon and just a bit sick of overextending myself for the other person involved.  Sun/Venus/Mercury/Jupiter/South Node in the seventh tends to make me over do the compassion initiative and to deny myself and my needs for the sake of preserving the relationship.  Which is fine if the other person is taking my needs into consideration, but when they are not.  Well as I experienced it today this blows my gasket and I need to understand why, to take steps to fight in a good way for my own needs in an assertive, mature way.  Lesson learned today.

I’ve dumped a lot of repressed anger into my body in the past.  Growing up I did not really learn to open up and communicate when hurt.  I was taught by Catholicism to turn the other cheek but sometimes you run out of cheeks and get tired of being slapped about my others inconsiderateness and insensitivity.  The point is that the lesson for me isn’t about them, its more about developing sensitivity into myself, my body and my true needs and values.  For these things cant be denied without me suffering symptomatic consequences.

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