Little Lion come out to play

My astro reading for today:

It may seem like neither side of the bed is the right side to wake up on today, Aquarius. The only solution may be is just to go back to dreamland if you can. If you can’t, focus on your heart, because it is trying to tell you something. Emotions may be running high, so be careful how you treat yourself and others.

Prior to reading this I sat down to write, but I am pulled at the same time by another tug (which side of the bed should I be on active or passive or).

I awoke late and after a long conversation with a friend where I was pulled away by hunger pangs I ate and then, the desire to write but another pull from my body. I need to go to the toilet and wash my face. In the toilet I see specks of dirt, debris and fluff on the floor, I go to clean them up. Then I feel the pull back to writing.

I am conscious of a past time when I sat down to write or draw and there was a frenzy of cleaning going on around me. I grew to fear the vacuum cleaner, just as my dog Jasper does. The moment I whip it out I watch the look on his face. I warn him of what is about to happen. He has been drawing close for a cosy moment but his Mum is needing to clean the place.

If I listened to my heart I may not want to put him through it and just let us both rest and be cosy. But there is a need to clean, to make sure my room is ordered, that there is not too much mess lying around. It is not really part of me, this ordering, it’s a conditioned reflex and it becomes part of an inner dialogue that tears me this way and that. That said, sometimes taking action brings new energy to my day and blows out the cobwebs and ordering things on the physical level is like the ordering and sorting process going on inside.  And sometimes chaotic, disordered things erupt in order to be revealed..

I am writing this in an attempt to come to terms with the twin pulls, before reading the advice to listen to my heart. Over the past few years I have become ever more conscious of the inward voice of self judgement. I am conscious too that as a Neptunian I often let things slide into mess and chaos because I have been drawn down, so deeply down by the inner world of my subconscious and body that it has become hard to operate and to my mind things have been let go.

An outsider would probably come into my house and find it tidy, my conditioning says otherwise. I battle with this and with the inner voices that would disparage something that brings me joy, disparage a creative chaos thay may have gifts.  The heart, if it was in the right space would not always care about the mess or see it as a mess. I am not a mess, I am just human but that said, sometimes I am messy and that is part of being a vital alive human being.

These days I feel myself pulled between sadness, tiredness, heaviness and happiness, lightness, joy : a need for active energy, relationship, expression. I wrote yesterday of how currently I feel I am in the process of learning to walk a tightrope, to get the balance right. I need to be deeply centred in my world at present (and yes, Deborah, that means listening to your heart).

Most of the inner planets are presently in either the 12th or 1st houses of my chart. But in my natal chart the balance of my personal planets are on the other side in the opposing houses 6th and 7th. Is it any wonder that I am feeling tugged back and forth at present?

Lately I have been hearing a voice that is telling me I need to listen to my body. I can’t stay too centred in thoughts alone, if they lead me astray. Listening both to my head and my heart is necessary as feeling can sometimes trip me up when its not the sensible thing to do reach out to the hurting person who has some lessons to learn from sitting in that hurt. But my heart says otherwise.  They hurt me but I can still feel for them even though angry and I question my own point of view, how ego centric is it, but I must remember to take care of me.  More aware of hurtful places to my heart energy I can steer clear. But my heart tells me, we are all still learning and growing.  At least those of us who choose to open our hearts and our minds.

As usual writing is helpimg me to contain my own feelings, and understand them, but sometimes it is easier to hear my heart when I am not writing. Still, for me, writing is like the prism I construct by turning things this way and that in the light in order to appreciate and understand them. It helps to centre me. While I am typing I can let things flow out from within that I might not even have known were there had I not set fingers to keyboard.

But I also need to leave self imposed solitude in order to interact because often, only then do my emotions make themselves known. My heart interacting with other hearts that are either open or closed (I will know by being with the person).

Lately I have been becoming even more aware that due to my particular energy and life experience there is a lot of myself that I repress. This repression was part of not being allowed to express, part a result of being left alone without validation, mirroring.  It was sometimes so hard to understand what was going on. My turning deeply inward was a result of there often being no one to turn to but myself. Harsh things happening had to be kept inside. There could be a fury or a storm brewing in my mother, most especially, injuries could be a result. It was busy, busy not a lot of time to rest and be contained so emotions got turned inwards and festered.   I turned them over and over and did not know where to go with them and they became a jumble which I am only in the past few years sorting out.

I am conscious too of a particular bruising inside that is making me feel the need for self protection while I sort all this out. Without a deeper relationship to my instinctual and emotional depths and with the hunger I was a ravenous person looking in all the wrong places for love. Maturity could only come through making lots of mistakes. Mistakes were what showed me the path I was on was damaging and it took a lot of years to figure that one out.

It is hard sometimes to reach out and sometimes it is just cosier being wrapped up in myself, able to focus on my own life. But over the past few years I am reaching out to others who help me to nurture my heart. I think that is what is being asked of me at present. I feel happiest when living this way. I am a bit of a loner, really, due to the traumas I have been through and my particular childhood. I think there are rich gifts around this but I absorbed invalidations of it by my mother and others who did not really see what I was going through and how I was trying to grow.  I took those in and swallowed them but the got stuck in my gut on the way down and I have been trying to spit them out ever since.

How many times was I told that there was something wrong with “isolating” when really I was just retreating to listen to a heart whose messages were being confused or drowned out by all the introjected voices in my head.  I was desiring to express and grow through developing a relationship with my inner life.

I am learning now to spit out those false interpretations. I am conscious that at present I need gentleness around me, around the self that sometimes suffers, because the gentleness provides the healing balm to that suffering, to a nervous system that was dysregulated through much stress and many shocks, some of them the result of struggling to find support while seeking self protection.   I must seek out gentleness as that is most what helps my inner nature to flourish.

There is a time to be strong and assertive too, which does not always come easily. There is also a growing need to learn how to articulate distressing or hurtful things and address them in a healthier way than screaming.

I am a bit of a screamer. I scream because I am often not really heard. I watched a similar thing with my last narcissistic partner’s youngest son. The frustration that built from being used, not being treated gently or mirrored, from struggling to be recognised and heard. When I recognise what the scream is about it is easier to make decisions that don’t expose me to frustrations and hurts that trigger me.

I must also be aware that sometimes people will interpret a scream when I am trying to communicate something with a passionate intensity. The passion contains real juicy life blood and energy. I have been mocked and disparaged for my passion. But I am glad that now I can own that I am a passionate person with deep feelings..

I mentioned passion and the Sun has moved into fire over the past few days. I hear the rumblings of the Lion as he awakens from his sleep buried deep within the 12th house of my chart. I am looking forward to his meeting with Venus in mid August.

The Lion/Leo is associated with courage in French this relates to the word for heart. The Leo might get a bad rap for narcissism by those who feel a bit threatened by it, but we all need some heathy narcissism to survive and take action to nurture our heart. In our particular family it multi-generationally it was this energy that got repressed (thus it is in my 12th house).

There are huge themes of self sacrifice which I associate with Neptune and my mother’s generation had Leo in Neptune they had to sacrifice the inner child to be quiet, keep deep emotions and feelings wrapped up tightly. And they gave birth to a generation with Pluto in Leo, dark events transpired in the collective at that time. The Pluto in Leo generation, of which three of my siblings were born had work to do to overcome that conditioning.  I’m a Uranus in Leo baby no wonder my mother found that energy too intense to cope with.

Well a blog about something else has turned into something else. Little Lion would you like to go out and play? Little child would you like to hold my hand and dance in the flames of passion, joy and happiness?. What happened to you over years little one? Please come out of hiding. Take my hand and let us play, and dance in the sunshine.  Adult is here to guide you.  We can grow up and still stay young at heart and the heart can still be deep and true.  Wonder child, not only wounded child.  Wounded child learning how to heal and tend those wounds with good grace to grow and flourish a soul that knows the full spectrum of it all and can feel joy.  These energies now I think are calling for air time, that is what my heart is telling me.   Feel the wind in your hair, dance along the windswept lakeside pathway and then come home to rest and warm yourself by the fire.

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