After spending much of an overcast foggy winter day in PJs writing a very long complicated blog about past things I had a moment of thinking like this. Things might not be as they seem. The stories I am telling myself about what happened are probably biased from my side. For I can’t really always see into your soul and know what is going on, what effect I am having. I need to talk to you to find out how it was for you. I need to ask a lot of questions, and as I type this I am reminded of how questions at times really annoy me as I just would love the other person to get it.
Truth is sometimes I will just get another person. It happens naturally, it flows, there are not a lot of hard edges in our inter actions it could be said “we are on the same wavelength”. These days I think it may be important to accept that its okay that you don’t get what I am on about as long as I feel understood by myself I can be happy. I may or may not understand you and that will happen or not happen as it does.
How to survive when people tell you you have got it wrong? Just accept that is their version of events and you may have something to learn. But still you will question as you interpreted it in one way and they saw it from another perspective. Sometimes we meet and sometimes we don’t meet. Sometimes we agree and disagree. Sometimes we agree to disagree.
The problem, to long for something that is not there. To think that just because you aren’t suited to one other person there is something wrong with you because they were so invested in you conforming to their version of you it got too painful and you had to change to suit them and ended up in an ill fitting suit with too short legs and too tight crotch. It may just not be right with that person. Why stay in a place were it is always so much hard work? Why not just let go? These are questions I am asking myself lately. Having just written a long blog about the pain of past relationships in terms of not being met, truly loved or understood, what was it in me that kept holding onto that which hurt, longing for it to be difficult? That now seems to me insane.
Am I waking up? It seems the wool is being pulled away from my eyes. I am seeing all the struggle I engaged with in hopes of being loved, all of my lack of self acceptance, all of my putting up with what was wrong not to be alone and so feeling more alone than ever. What would happen if I had just accepted it was as it was I was as I needed to be and so were they. That I needed to be alone and maybe I thought I didn’t but actually I did as that is the way it rolled. In fighting it I made it worse, in accepting it, I found peace. That being introverted and alone was not a sign of something wrong with me but was in fact a soul necessity for me.
The other day I had this conversation with my Mum, no hang on was it a conversation? She said “I think the thing that is wrong with you is that you spend so much time alone.” I challenged her. “Mum,” I said. “I actually enjoy having time alone and to myself, I am a deep thinker and at times I am introverted, that style of being nourishes me, but I seem to have been given consistent messages that it is a sign of something wrong, I don’t think it is. Its part of who I am.”
Not a lot else was said and I felt clear and strong. Having this dialogue which wasn’t really a dialogue but a monologue (of necessity) felt good.
I guess I am beginning to see where the inner voice comes from that is incessantly correcting me and trying to make me into something or someone else is coming from. I am beginning to feel that nothing was wrong and that my idea of things being wrong was in fact a misinterpretation bestowed upon me by someone else who did not know but got a sense of power from thinking they knew.
In the end I think its far better to question others than to speak to them as if you know all the answers. How much lovelier to live in questions, to keep questioning, rather than to feel I must know all the answers most especially for everyone else. Truth is I don’t and even that truth is open to doubt. So for now I’ll take comfort from staying loose while feeling stronger about knowing accepting and loving myself as I am.