All these hurts inside

Sometimes I am not sure what to make of all of these hurts inside.  Lately I have been reaching out to my Mum for the help and support she could not give me when I was young and so many other things took priority.  Today she let me down, again after a day earlier in the week when she was really there for me, for the first time in ages.  It has happened so many times before and she claimed it wasn’t deliberate just a lack of thought.  It seemed to her I was angry.  I was hurting.  I didn’t want to act it out but I had to say it.  She wanted me to join her and make things right.  Sad to say, I just could not do it.

I was at the fruit and veggie markets, I had my shopping to do.  I stood in the cue to pay for my Danish Salami with tears running down my face.  I came home and sat with the tears while I ate my salami sandwich.  I remembered standing in the snow at a bus stop in Switzerland waiting for the woman who I was boarding with following an operation to terminate a pregnancy.  I waited and waited.  She did not show as promised.  She was at the local tavern getting drunk.  “I’m not your fucking mother”, she yelled at me down the phone when I asked her why she wasn’t there.

I cant remember everything. I was sharing about it with my counsellor yesterday so its close to the surface.  It was around the first anniversary of my father’s death.  I was thousands of miles from home with no friends, only this woman who was really just a drinking buddy, nothing more.

This hurt was close to the surface today, along with other times I waited for my Mum outside the school and she just forgot.  “I didn’t mean to hurt you”, she said again today.  But Mum you did.  I couldn’t say this today.  I can’t do it any more.  It’s too hard.  My counsellor warned me, just yesterday that Mum would probably let me down again.   This week Mum made herself available for me in a way she hasn’t done in such a long time.  I allowed myself to get close.  I don’t want to hold onto it.  I don’t want to be a victim.  I just want to be safe.  But the truth is, Mum isn’t very reliable, despite seemingly honourable intentions.

Today Mercury is close to squaring transiting Neptune and squaring my natal Pluto in the first house.  I was thinking about this while I was standing in the deli waiting for my coffee while waiting for my Mum after standing guard waiting to find a table for us to sit and wondering why she was over half an hour late.  Had she had an accident?

I had to call her, otherwise I would have been sitting there for hours.  I came home crying, like I said.  I miss my sister who isn’t here any more.  I could always talk to her, there wasn’t really anyone else to call so I told the dog, who always listens.  Ha!!!

Sometimes I am not sure what to do with the hurts inside.  I know I must nurse myself through the hurting space and try not to make it harder.  I was re-reading several blogs this week about the issue of forgiving and forgetting.  If I forget the ones who keep hurting, how do I protect myself?  How do I stay safe?  The risk of trusting at times seems too hard.  Today transiting Mercury is also squaring natal Pluto in the first and waxing out of square to natal Chiron in the seventh and my Mum’s Mars in Pisces.

I found out this week my Nana put my Mum into domestic service at 13 years of age.  She made her live as a servant in someone else’s house.  This may have been out of financial necessity and yet I don’t know HOW a parent could do that.  Eventually Mum found another job which enabled her to live at home. What is going on for my Mum at a deep level?  What is this deeply unconscious wound she is passing on?

In true Neptunian fashion it is a mystery to me.  Neptune rules my natal Chiron in Pisces.  It (my natal Neptune) is placed in the sign of my mother’s Sun, Mercury Saturn and today the Moon in Leo is squaring that.

I came home and read some interpretations in Robert Hand’s book on Planetary Transits.  He recommended during transiting Mercury square natal Pluto travelling inwards to investigate these Plutonian wounds and scars, rather than get into power struggles with others.  That is what I have chosen to do.

What to do with all these hurts inside?  The memories of them live on.  There is no way to just “get over them” but I can hold them in a loving embrace.  I’ll put on some loving music,  maybe I’ll make myself a cup of tea.  The past is the past but when I get hurt in the present old wounds are triggered.  Its best to be mindful of this fact.  I’m not making it up.  The hurts were real but I don’t want them to be the final word, other wise life feels too painful to live.  I decide that the solution is not to rely on others.  To stay where I can take care of me.  For some reason when I try to rely on others, it never happens.  I get thrown back on myself.  At least I can trust myself.  Maybe that needs to be enough.