Over here in the Southern Hemisphere we are slowly making our way to the darkest part of the year. There is a lot of light in the sunshine days that have a clarity only present in winter, but in the depths of my soul I sense the inner darkness that contains a multitude of experiences, losses, endings and grief that become most acute for me at this time of year.
I need a place to give voice to this experience, to externalise what banks up inside.
Today I have had very strong thoughts of suicide. I have been feeling the weight of supporting others and the weight of the strong Saturnian part of me so strongly in recent months and days that I have felt I can not find a point to it all. And yet as I allow these thoughts and feelings a place I find, curiously, that I can move beyond them.
A well of grief opened up this afternoon. It took me unawares. I went out to a local café to have a cup of coffee, I watched the lovers together, families and others like me alone. I felt so far apart in some way, ever so slightly off kilter. I then went looking at clothes at a shop in the city where, as synchronicity would have it, I ran into an old friend from childhood. When she asked me how I was and I was explaining about recent events, my mother’s fractured pelvis, my sister’s long battle with depression, my own attempts to support I felt the most intense tiredness and then tears just burst out through the banks, I could not really hold them back. She said to me “Who is caring for the carer?” It was a pertinent question.
Adding to the sad feeling earlier this week I had a dream about my ex husband leaving me. I had left a pot of rice to boil on the stove and forgotten it then I looked into an adjacent room and he was packing his bags and on the bed was a note explaining why he needed to go. Later in the dream I said to a friend. “He left me because I left him alone too much.” Today is the anniversary of our meeting 23 years ago and soon it will the anniversary of his leaving 11 years ago. The exact number of years we were married.
I am aware today of the undercurrents within all of these anniversaries and that my husband was alone before I met in the deepest part of his soul, looking for something in me I could not give. The truth was when I met him I was in a very dark place in terms of my soul and my addiction. For a time meeting him bought connection into my life, a shift out of the increasingly lonely place I inhabited in my addiction. In time I found sobriety and we had happy years but I had not yet found myself and he found it difficult to accept that was a journey I needed to go on. That journey left him feeling very alone. I feel great sadness about this while accepting its reality.
Embarking on that process of healing for me, meant he felt he was left alone, but also he could not accept the totality of my emotion and so I was left alone too. That kind of journey often has to be taken alone, at least that is my experience.
It may be a legacy of my Saturn Moon signature that in emotional matters I have found myself to be alone. That is slowly changing as I have found two new supportive people in my life who really get the depth of what I have been and am going through, however in the past three weeks one of these people has been absent.
I am aware that I am having to hold many emotions inside that I can explore with this person in the safety of her little room which is like a womb or a cave to me where I journey down and inward to the darkest most hidden part of me.
After my breakdown in the shop with my friend I felt the need to be at home. I was overcome with grief as my little dog Jasper ran out to meet me so eagerly as I drove into the garage. I was grateful that some being is there for me, waiting patiently and is willing to be with me and bear witness to these tears which I really needed to shed today. Dogs don’t question you or quarrel with you about feelings, asking for reasons why. That is a great comfort.
I am aware of the slow grind of Mercury inching back towards a wide opposition with Saturn over the next six days. There is a heaviness around me which seems to have karmic and ancestral themes and I am aware of the blockages to communication that are part of this transit and how they have manifested in absences for me of those I depend upon emotionally.
In the severity of my PTSD spiral in the bath today as I sounded out the Voo sound which Trauma specialist Peter Levine recommends using when working through the freeze state I was aware of the foghorn sounding out as my ancestors left the docks in Cornwall bound for New Zealand. I wondered about the DNA spiral helix and what it contains. Something dark and deep was resonating. I cant give it words, there were only intimations in my soul.
The afternoon sun now is throwing its long shadows over the garden as it moves towards it daily sleep. I am aware that the brightness of the waning full moon will be lessening, it has been waking me as it crosses past my bedroom window before setting around 4 am these last few days. I feel the approaching of the winter solstice here, always a time of reaching into the darkest part of me. I know I need to find ways to bear witness to this, to hold myself through it, painful as it is, to honour what truths and memories is has for me. I know I cant ask the world to honour that for me, its a deeply interior experience. And yet I find the need to give a voice to it.
I am aware of the dark twin which is echoed in the mythic theme of Gemini which shadows these current transits through that sign. It speaks of the shadow self that is a constant companion on this road to understanding, it speaks of understandings that come when we accept contradictory parts of our nature and of the openness that is needed to explore the darker side of life and love.
For in much wisdom is grief,
and he that increaseth knowledge