From My Heart – In Gratitude

I’m very emotional today after receiving so much response to my last post, including two reblogs  I just felt the need to share my feelings here.

In that post I feel like a deep part of me expressed itself and others connected too because we all have the child deep inside, the deepest most authentic part of us which sometimes gets so buried, lost, confused and hidden as well as separated from deep feelings of joy, connection, wholeness, peace.

It is really sad to say but over time I got to be very ashamed of this part of myself. I felt like it was too young, too full of energy, too much to be in this life and that this part of me would overcome others too, and I guess at times that part when it started to unthaw sometimes expressed extreme feeling held under wraps for years which were too much for some but you know what I’ve realised? These feelings I had of being overwhelming are for me a deep imprint of how it felt for my Mum to deal with my energy as a small child.

My Mum was a fair deal older when I was born in the 60s.  I was a mistake in that the pregnancy wasn’t planned.  Deep down I don’t thing at that point in time Mum was much interested in being a Mum, she wanted to work and was frustrated at being at home.  For a long time I was left.   There was also long period where she would put me in a harness with a lead when we had to go out.

As I’ve shared somewhere else here, after my oldest sister died a year ago I found a lot of letters she had kept that Mum wrote to her after she married and moved overseas. At that stage I was only about 3 but the letters were full of my Mum not being able to spend time with me, with feeling overcome by my liveliness and with being surprised when in the light of attention given by other relatives I was actually less seeking of attention than I obviously was when she had so little time to spend with me.

I’ve had a long journey to come to terms with this fact, to understand that a long time ago my Mum, too had to put her little girl away and be a strong adult before she was really grown up. There just wasn’t anyone there to be with her at lonely moments, my Grandmother had to go out to work, it was during the depression in Australia following the First World War, and my Grandfather had passed away when my Mum was only 7. My Grandmother would leave my mother alone in the mornings and at night, she had to get herself dinner, and get up in the mornings, long after Nana had left to clean offices, get herself dressed and off school.

Often Mum played hooky and when she was in class if she wasn’t being abused by the Nun’s she was being pulled out of classes to clean the chapel. Mum developed cleaning issues, I can still remember feeling very stressed and anxious when the vacuum would come out and when things fell into mess or chaos she may fly off the handle at home. I got to be hypervigilant for the flaring nostrils which were a sign of her displeasure. Things may fly across the room including hairbrushes.

Recently my therapist said to me that perhaps for my Mum I represented chaos, a chaos that she needed to control. This left me with scars that have taken a long time to come to awareness within me. Inside me I still feel today the part of me that is very young but also very wise and loving, I have fear around expressing that young self, and I have needed to learn how to parent her on a better way than either I or my own mother was parented.

I am aware today of the many times I turned against that true self in me and kept her in prison in all kinds of ways. Yesterday’s reconnection with this part of me that I shared about wasn’t the first time I had connected with her so deeply but it was a very powerful connection.

As I write this blog I feel the child where she is living inside my body, I feel her hunger for life, the trapped energy that wants to release and dance and tell the truth but at times still can be judged within me for being too out of control. I think one of the things alcohol did for me was enable me to live out this part of myself and release the inhibitions and insecurities I carried, but unfortunately I had repressed so many other young, raw feelings, it also unleashed those too, but not in a way by which I could become aware.

I remember once years ago at the local dance club I used to frequent in my twenties making a really good friend who saw this child part of me as the most essential part of me. As I grew up I learned to be serious, to adapt and to hide this part of me that was so full of need, so full of love, so full of life. I learned to be ashamed of her and that strikes me as so very awful.

I’m feeling a huge outflow of sadness this morning but it’s a good kind of sadness and gratitude for the way that earlier blog connected for others. In the blogging world I guess 7 likes aren’t huge. And it’s not so much the likes but the sense that I have touched others and then their response has touched me deeply too, that a part of me was recognised and connected for others.

So this in one way is a post of gratitude as an outpouring of the happiness and positive emotion I feel for the responses that came back. Thank you for sharing your comments.  They mean the world to me.   A big hug to everyone out there in cyberspace who got it and supported my post with reblogs and who continue to inspire with their own writing and expression.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Healing, Inner ChildTags, , , 7 Comments

7 thoughts on “From My Heart – In Gratitude”

  1. 🙂 this one had me know your child is always welcome here…perhaps yours and mine could hold hands and dance and do some crazy things 🙂

  2. 7 likes is a fine number. Being able to be in touch with this part of you at all is magnificent and hard won. There are many, many hurt and wounded people out in the world at this time, and too few have come this far in their healing. It is difficult when people still hurt, to be supportive, responsive, or even to recognize it as the triumph that it is. This is the road less taken and so less fellow travelers are encountered, but oh the mutual joy and gratitude that is to be had when you do.

  3. LOL . . . it looks like it’s 12 likes now . . . perhaps there are more travelers on this road then I was aware of. 😀 Nothing would make me happier than for that to be true. Well done, emergingfromthedarknight . . . well done. ❤ Keep up the good fight, you're doing splendidly.

  4. Blown away by all the likes and loving that they connect me with so many others on here who’s blogs I may not have happened upon by chance. Its a sweet and beautiful thing…doing a little inward dance of joy tonight.

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