The Hand of My Inner Child

Mother-holding-childs-han-001

The inner child in us never stops longing for sweetness, for connection, for joy, for passion for a deeply vibrant life.

I probably can’t speak for everyone but in my own life and especially more recently after a period of tapping into my young self’s longing for attention, understanding, love, empathy comfort and support and grieving all the ways in which it was absent in the course of my growing up I have become aware that that child and her longing lives on in me, has lived on in my throughout all the years of my addiction and recovery.

Just a moment ago I had a powerful experience of seeing my inner child in my mind’s eye.  In my imagination I took her little hand in mine and started to cry and I had a powerful realisation of how far she has had to travel on this long journey of coming to consciousness and recovering, not only from my own history but the history of my two parents two, both of whose inner children struggled too.

I thought of how over so many years the love this little girl was most longing for was mine, the adult self who grew but was also wounded in lots of essential ways, and driven my unmet needs and hungers in to some fairly devastating experiences.  I understood her deep loneliness in a family that was devoted to pursuing externals at the expense of a relationship with an inner life and with each other at a truly intimate level and the painful consequences of that.  That longing in me drove most of my addiction.

In the past few months I have been experiencing a lot of anger at my mother and two siblings who are still alive. I have been angry for the hurts, for the lack of empathy.  I know my anger is valid as it came out of unmet needs but it was not realistic as all of my siblings were wounded too. Today I read the following reading which really helped me to understand this.  It is from my daily reader : One Foot in Front of the Other by Tian Dayton. it says:

My siblings and I grew up with (alcoholism – my mother was the adult grandchild of an alcoholic). This disease became part of how we related to each other…..When our parents dropped the ball, we stepped into that void by trying to take over responsibilities our parents were ignoring. We grew to have way too much power over each other. We took advantage of each other’s vulnerability as often as we helped each other through, and that made our relationships very confusing. We formed traumatic bonds living in the trenches with active addiction. We weren’t really young together…..As I get healthier, I can see this more clearly, and that hurts, but it also liberates me from feeling beholden to anxious and ambivalent bonds. Today I can learn new styles of bonding. I can take what was healthy and carry it forward as I release the unhealthy parts. ..

This reading helped me so much to understand the complexity of what I have been dealing with over these past years. My surviving sister has suffered from bi polar disorder for some years. In some of her manic states she has said the most painful and hurtful things, at a time I was undergoing so much grief and pain from my marriage ending.

When the pieces have fallen apart for her, on four of her hospitalisations I have been there for her but I have feel so angry and deep ambivalent at times about having to play this role for a sister who has hurt and from whom I have never received true empathy and nurture.

Today I realise I can give a little to this relationship, but not everything and most certainly not at expense of myself because the return is not great. I give because I still feel the love that is there, but I am suffering as I long for healthier more nurturing relationships with women in my life who have a greater depth of understanding, care and empathy for me. In the end I will only find those relationships, though to the degree that I hold the hand of my inner child and listen deeply to her about what she really needs to be whole, healthy and happy.

Today when I saw my younger self she was with a lion. I have often had to roar like a lion when I was being abused emotionally by my sister. I needed that lion’s roar and strength to keep me safe but deep inside the lion was bleeding heart that suffered too from being hurt.  I had work to do with feeling that hurt and learning about where it came from, roaring was not enough. I had to learn to step away, to take my courage, to be with my inner child when she was in need, not to always pass the responsibility off, most especially to wounded or wounding others who will not care for me and love me. In the end it is my responsibility to take care of me and find those who care.

I must say I had one of those profound moments just this morning when I felt this inner bonding with my inner child. I had just had two conversations one with my sister and the other with my mother. I learn so much when ever I have any interactions with either of them lately, I feel more peace, more understanding, less hurt it’s a sign I am separating myself in some way from the enmeshment that has keep us bound and struggling for long years and that I have worked through a lot of the feelings.

For today I need to nurture myself, to give myself good things, to be aware of the child in me who loves the dog, loves to sing and dance and needs joy and happiness in the day in order to feel the wholeness of her own being.

Carl Jung has said that the divine child is that part of us that is most deeply spiritual and connected. To be in touch with it is to be in touch with an aspect of essence which is so necessary to our wholeness as emotional and spiritual beings on this planet. This is the truth I feel most deeply within me today and need to share.  As I see my inner child she is radiant and the most essential part of who I am.  From me she needs, care, attention, love, empathy, respect, containment and caring discipline. And she needs a place to sound forth her song and dance her dance, in the unique and individual way only she knows how to do.

28 thoughts on “The Hand of My Inner Child

  1. Reblogged this on Show Me Who You Really Are and commented:
    This is so beautiful I had to share. Blogger emergingfromthedarknight has been on a long journey to finding her true self and in this post I felt her make contact with that part of her. Seeing someone find and make contact with who they really are, for me, is by far the most beautiful thing imaginable. I feel so happy for you emergingfromthedarknight! You have me crying buckets. ❤

  2. I recently acquired an iPhone and found an image of a young child standing with his battered suitcase on a railroad platform waiting for the train. It is my home screen and reminds of my inner child whom has taken me on a wonderful lives journey. The world has been my home. I never felt the warmth or love of a family: perhaps because I am gay. Tolerated but never accepted.

    Thanks for your blog and sharing your words. They evoke in me the feeling of a family I never had.

  3. Thanks for your comment. I was really touched by that image that you shared. Sometimes it takes the courage to leave the place we aren’t accepted to find a place where we feel at home, and that can be a difficult journey. But it seems to me you found that courage. I was so thrilled to read what you shared. 🙂

  4. This design is spectacular! You most certainly know how to keep a reader amused.

    Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my
    own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Fantastic job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that,
    how you presented it. Too cool!

  5. I really like your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for
    you? Plz respond as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from.
    thank you

    1. I set this blog up on my own over time I have altered the theme and format several times over the 6 years I have been blogging.. I use the Affinity theme and I searched images via google for my headers then played around with colours and widgets.. like in every thing I flew by the eat of my pants…hope this helps in some way.. Deborah

    2. I designed the blog myself over time.. I changed the theme several times by playing around with different layouts.. I now use the Affinity theme.. I have been doing this for 6 years now and I just used my own taste preference.. Glad if you liked it.. once you get yours up and running if you want some support I am happy to promote it.. good luck

  6. This is a lovely share my friend. I am glad you can comfort that inner child. Sounds like things were very hurtful and still are. I know this sounds terrible for me to say this but I am just being honest. I am not glad my parents both killed themselves, I loved them, even though they were abusive. I think that if I am completely honest with myself that I don’t know how I would be able to deal with any of that stuff now. My relationship with my three sisters is non-existent too. It completely destroys the family. Everyone plays a specific role and if one person gets help and the others don’t then that becomes a problem. I pray for my sisters and I love them but they can be very abusive because they are so sick still. I can’t deal with that and I will not be sucked into any of their stuff. I want healthy relationships and I don’t have to like them, because they are unkind, but I do love them and pray for them. I am sorry as I know what that feels like, it is not comfortable and I am sorry you are having a hard time. I love you. Joni

    1. You expressed this so well. My sister became so much kinder in later years which was confusing considering past abuse. It’s very complex so I totally understand your need for distance as an act of self love and self care. Thanks so so for taking the time to share all of this Joni.

      1. I actually really appreciated what you shared it helped me a lot. It gave me even more validation for why I stay away. Two of my sisters actually said it is just two hard to be around you it just brings back bad memories. It isn’t easy and my older sister can be cruel too. I spent a couple of years in therapy working on accepting that it was ok to love but not like my three sisters. I pray for them and my little sister is the one who was sexually abused a lot by my mom and dad. So I would be a mess too. I just want you to know I love you and you are in my prayers. Sending you lots of hugs, light and prayers. ❤️🤗🦋🥰😊😘✝️🙏

      2. Joni it can be so hard to get past such hurt. The truth is that hurt and hurting people hurt other people and in families where one member tries to say something is wrong its too upsetting for the others who are not so brave… I really feel for your little sister being the youngest I am sure my sister;s son stays away from me because he thinks I am mad I do not know. All I can say is that it is painful and we are all self centred and long for love and some of us choose not to face our pain and so sadly pass it off.. that is not fair but it is just what deep core level trauma and abandonment does in families.

        God bless you darling.

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