When we have been victims of abuse of any kind, we have learned through a long and often unconscious history to turn away from or against the self. Feelings of self rejection and self hatred can be symptoms of the rejection and hatred that was shown to certain elements of aspects of ourselves by parents or other so called ‘care givers’. Noticing our own self talk especially of the harmful and damaging or abusive variety can be an exercise in coming to know the ways in which we were wounded.
While perusing my documents for a blog I wrote yesterday I came across this quote. As I began to write a storm was passing over, everything became quite dark, the dog farted and I was smelling his gaseous odour which quietly passed as birds chirped outside and tears began to fall again (sigh). Inside I heard an internal voice
“Who the hell is going to want to read another of your fucking painful blogs about sadness?”
Whose voice is this? I’m getting a little weary of my sad Saturn Moon at the moment after having perused multiple images of happy Christmas’s on Facebook. My solitary Christmas period passed with massive nosebleeds and clots coming out like you would not believe. The only light was watching the DVD Ghost Stories by Coldplay and dancing around the living room feeling like my chest would explode with unexpressed longing, life and love.. I was conscious that in this order the personals planets were passing over transiting Pluto: Venus, Mercury and in a few day’s time, the Sun all in my fifth house of creative passion.
Around me I feel the earth rumbling as people are in yet another shopping frenzy following Christmas’s shopping frenzy. (Over 1 billion spent on gifts, money that could bring healing to many suffering in the world). When the hell are we going to feel we have produced/bought enough “stuff” to fill up our emptiness or keep us from facing what is really going on inside? How much more can the earth bear? These questions raged as I went to the shopping mall for Sushi cleverly avoiding all lures.
Earlier, I went out to my Al Anon meeting which was small and intimate, after feeling torn apart this morning by news of family conflicts raging in which I have been trying to play mediator following a distressed call from my Mum. I have news of my sister’s next major collapse, of her son’s angry screaming at her for ruining Christmas and of my mother’s grief and sadness at being caught up in the angst on the very painful anniversary of Dad’s death. “Where is it all going to end?” , she asked me in tears this morning on the phone.
I have felt powerless and helpless to know what to do as they are three hours away and I can’t drive to get them due to my wounded ankle which is still healing. In any case is it my role to play rescuer for something I played no part in? Does my Saturn Moon feel even responsible for this? (Mars is passing over the South Node in Aquarius in the seventh at the moment which was one of the reasons I kept holding back. Surely it not sane on my part to intervene, but I am pulled to do so, like a moth to the flame. Now all around me rumbling thunder and a storm passing over making the tree’s leaves, sing as they are moved by the wind.
Here comes the rain again. That used to be one of my favourite Eurythmic’s songs and I thought of it every time I stood, head over the kitchen sink with dripping bloody nose and clots passing from Dec 24 – 27. I only knew something was cleansing. Uranus is now moving forward in the eight house (anger I have repressed at playing savior or being trapped in a saviour role I cant seem to escape). Soon it will square Pluto again. Force for change, shedding, insight and freedom..
At present, there is something I think of alot in relation to transiting Chiron at 13 Pisces trine to natal Neptune in my third house at 13 degrees. It is of Christ being on the cross after having his side pierced after all the blood flowed, until clear fluid passed from his body. By his side the three women stood and witnessed, they took his body to the tomb and mourned. I was always close to that image following a few very painful years that passed after my separation after 11 years of marriage. During that time I spent in Chalice Wells gardens in Glastonbury, grieving. It was here my ex gave me the news he had met a new love. I think of Dante’s words : In the middle of my life, I found myself in a dark wood. Did my paralysing need to stay close to family put me there, cut away the potential of new life, of individuation. Or was not this entire path just a part of a process still working its way out?
From this time on I started to do some channelled writing. Wisdom came to me via this channel from a loving mother source deep in the collective unconscious who spoke to me of the dark night and said to me over and over. “You will emerge from the dark night, victorious” (Storm getting even more violent now}
I feel the earth in its tearing, calling to us slumbering humanity around the time of Christ’s birth. Wake up, wake the fuck up people. I do not fear the storm, Jasper and I are cosy here close to the open french doors and there is peace in the storm, the quiet, calm, solitary peace of deep inward connection. But I feel something deep within the collective and earth building trying to awaken me to love, to life, to connection. Beautiful rain, getting heavier and heavier now.
When I returned to this quiet place this afternoon tears began to come down. I had the news that one of my closest friends lost her father very close to the time of my own father’s passing all those years ago. I want to give her comfort but am aware of maybe transferring my own feelings onto her, plus she is overseas at present. Hard to lose your father and not to have had a chance to say goodbye. (I know how that feels.)
Yesterday I started reading a book on Empathy. I haven’t got far with it yet, but what it reminded me is that empathy is so very important, as is deep connection. When we lose it or fail to develop it, life is somehow barren, it seems to me it is most important that we give it to ourselves. I think a difficulty with attachment is related to empathy given or not given in childhood or later life. It may dog us for many years.
Some things are difficult to empathise with. I watched a program last night on a serial killer who molested and killed at least three boys. The parents of the last known victim, David Morcombe, said they could never forgive. I understand that, how much hurt they have been through, how much pain. And yet love exists. It is the love that generated the pain they will always suffer over the loss of their child who had his life stolen.
When we cut off the ability to love, to connect, to reach out we send people into exile, into a cold a barren territory where they must work hard to find the love deep within. Some people don’t manage it. In the end they take their lives because the love and connection they needed were not there, they could not build them from inside or early blocks and fears prevented them from feeling the love that was there. Maybe the inner voices mentioned at the outset of this post took them. I have known those voices, was discussing them with a friend earlier today.
As I write the sun is now breaking through the clouds, the storm has passed and is rumbling on to its next destination. What was the feeling of doom I had that started the day? Intuitively did I feel the storm building even though it was far away? I don’t know but I do feel we are connected so deeply in so many more ways than we even know especially to the elements.
Something ties us both to the past and the present and carries us on like a wave to the next adventure, rumbling and rolling on, like the storm that has now cleared and passed on to the next place. Perhaps it is a metaphor for feeling, a reminder that all passes. A reminder to enter the silence and the stillness and let go of that which was never our destiny to control. To witness the rain fall and wait again, patiently, for the return of the sun.