I wrote this blog a few weeks ago. Injury has made me much more present to the here and now. I am undergoing physio to work with the injury and maximise my healing. And this blog has been slumbering in draft. Today I release it like a butterfly.
I awoke after a long and fairly peaceful sleep, this morning. It was filed with powerful dreams and images and my body was twisted around due to the ankle injury I sustained last week, but the twisting and turning that goes on when I try to push myself out of pain stopped, I rested quietly with the breath. I am conscious that the building pressure of the Mars Pluto conjunction was beginning to loosen.
I had a challenging day yesterday. I reached out the day before to someone, then had second thoughts then they rejected me or my need because they wanted to handle the situation in a different way. I wasn’t gracious about it. In fact I was really, really angry and I let them know. (Always a scary thing for me.)
I did a double take when I realised the Moon was opposite not only Pluto but Mars too. Maybe this was a time to get powerful insights into my own Moon Mars Saturn conjunction that has a lot of intensity around it, due to the connections with Chiron and Pluto too.
Relationships have always contained a lot of pain and difficulty for me. As a growing person I did not learn to negotiate feelings in relationship. I did not see healthy confrontation and conflict modelled in relationships. I was not mirrorered, due to the way my parents treated me when I was angry and due to the way I saw conflict modelled (or not modelled) in the home. Outbursts from my Mum never led to any kind of resolution. There was this pool of seething frustration in the atmosphere I did my best to negotiate warily around, by trying to do the right thing so as not to get in the way of a bullet. I also probably didn’t learn very effective ways of understanding and controlling my impulses. After many years of mixed up development I landed in recovery, a binge drinking alcoholic.
Over the years of my recovery I have began to realise that I learned that anger was a powerful and dangerous emotion that was best repressed or kept under wraps. That method did not work, since anger would erupt. Anger is intimately related to our self assertive drive to express ourselves effectively in the world. If our method of self expression becomes blocked in some way we end up with a backlog of repressed energy and the anger banks up. It took me many years to understand that anger could come out when other emotions, feelings, wants, needs and perceptions were not really understood and being expressed by me. Anger could be the eruptive force that hid a softer side, that softer side was being protected by the full force of anger thrown out, that then had the effect of alienating others, who did not really know how to cope.
It was not possible for me to say. “Listen I am feeling really scared at the moment and I really need some comfort and reassurance.” Or “I’ feeling really confused, I don’t really understand how to do that/what you are saying/how you are feeling/why you are treating me like this/what this all means.” I would either retreat and stuff it, because that is what I watched my Dad do in response to my Mum, or when that method didn’t work explode in a rage, just as I saw my Mother do. I grew into an adult, but inside was a child that didn’t have a lot of skills to negotiate the world.
I have talked with another friend around my own age in recovery and we have discussed how its a bit of a generational thing for us born in the 60s, we grew up pretty mixed up around feelings, raised by parents and institutions short on emotional intelligence and surrounded by peers undergoing their own struggles and sometimes acting them out on us.
It is apt that Neptune is currently stationing on my Chiron in the seventh house, as old pain around relationships has been triggered a lot over the past few weeks and as I come to further realisations around Mars issues, since Mars and Chiron aspect each other in my chart. Good things are coming out of these transits, but injury has accompanied it. A recent function brought me and my nephew closer together. We both struggle with the Mars Saturn conjunction and we both struggle with feelings of rage and powerlessness which are tied up with deep feelings of grief. It felt good to be able to share about it. A few days later I wrote a blog on Not Magnifying a Hurt.
While writing this I am thinking of what Eckhart Tolle calls the pain body. According to Eckhart some people have a much stronger pain body, it is more easily triggered. I would equate this with a person who, having had painful experiences in the past can easily find this old pain triggered by a seemingly (to others) un noxious event (someone with a strong Pluto energy.) I certainly relate to this.
Last year a friend confronted me about my tendency to explode. Often this kind of explosion is associated with some lack of compassion and sensitivity (not necessarily to me only) but to those who are more vulnerable. The fighting warrior comes out in me and flies into full protection or defensive mode. People around start to feel really uncomfortable. Grief may then come following the said explosion which is cause for more concern from others, frightened, horrified or shocked looks. In exploring this issue with someone similar to me, he gets my response totally. Doesn’t really see the need for judgement at all. Never the less I can come away from such interactions feeling judgement and then feeling a bit peeved at the lack of understanding. But I am beginning to see this as a bit self centred too, many people struggle with expressing their own anger so mine challenges them. We are all only human.
Over the years I’ve explored the idea I might be a person with Borderline Personality. I fit many of the criteria when my addiction was in full flight. Recovery has helped me to address some of those characteristics. But on some level I am not sure if that diagnosis totally sticks. I have also explored the concept of being both Highly Sensitive and Highly empathic.
In the end the bottom line exists in knowing myself. In having some kind of idea of the things the irk me and get me fired up, of the things that bug me and trigger me and accepting that. Of looking at my reactions, questioning myself, sharing with others, reading about anger, finding out about projection and learning to stay in touch with my insides, finding avenues to express my feelings (especially through journaling and blogging). And reaching out to others who are more likely to be empathetic than judgemental.
For many years I had the idea there was something wrong with me for feeling and reacting the way that I did, and I most certainly did need to learn to grow in understanding of myself. The truth is my feelings and reactions show me more about my at times unconscious history and sensitivities rather than being a sign of something wrong with me.
I think if I could have achieved this level of insight and self acceptance sooner, I would have had an easier time of it. The truth is too, that sometimes it would be better to let go of the irritant that is causing my pain body to ark up or to find ways to self sooth in the face of what grates and grazes on my soul. Many of my feelings are only magnified by further negative thoughts which act as salt put into a wound that is already smarting. Instead I need to apply the healing balm of something that soothes and calms the irritated pain body, when faced with tasks that seem massive and overwhelming I can make them more digestable if I bite a little off and chew them piece by piece.
All these tools help to become less reactive, or at best able to deal with and recognise strong reactions when they occur. This process for me has taken a lot of years. Looking back now I can see that I had a backlog of desire and need that wasn’t really fulfilled in childhood. My parents did the best they could. For me it wasn’t enough and traumas occurring in my late teens and early twenties made growing up and negotiating the challenges of this passage all the more difficult. Things that happened during this time, and most especially the accident that nearly ended my life at 17 and saw me confined in hospital for three months, left both wounds and a developmental arrest of sorts that have at times made change challenging.
Lately I am mindful of the Saturn Mars Moon theme that in some way brings me up short, when approaching the brink of change. Just before I am about to move through to the next stage some incident happens which brings me back, to the injury at 17, to the arrest, to the circumscribed circumference of a circle that is like a ring pass not fate has ordained for me. Inwardly I travel far and wide, while being holed up with injury and perhaps the experience which has made it necessary for me to reach out more for help, has been good for me. My Saturn Moon often tries to tough it out and go it alone. I am aware that emotionally I need to sustain myself, but connections, too are so very important when we are feeling vulnerable. Friendships from an unlikely place have been given to me during this past ordeal with my ankle that show me I am not totally alone. And yet I get frightened by Saturn at times, thinking that planet has some power not only over me but over the entire collective of my family. I watched my sister struggle with incapacitation following a cerebral bleed and become bed ridden in the last few years of her life. She also had the Mars Saturn aspect.
I think of the lessons that Saturn may be here to teach me. To be aware of my tendency to over reach (which is a family trait), to stay grounded and in touch with reality. To accept the differences between myself and others with good grace. To put protective and effeive boundaries around my feelings, while respecting the limits of others and to realise that although I am a spirit, matter is the principle through with I must manifest and which I cannot escape as long as my soul is incarnated in this physical body.
And as I look at my swollen ankle and face the fact that the damage sustained to it may not be reparable, I think of Chiron, the wounded healershot in the foot by an arrow that contained poison from the Hydra’s den that Heracles had on its tip from his encounter with the Hydra, that many headed Scorpionic (Plutonian) beast. The injury I sustained happened after some poisonous family secrets were shared with me following my mother’s 90th in early November. The profound power of both astrology and mythology to define soulful archetypal truths is strongly with me. Our family has had a Hydra its heart we have all been affected by the multi generational demon of alcoholism. Battling that has proved useless, understanding it has been more important and in the end that understanding has probably come from the battles that failed or wounded us. The scars remain, they need tending and healing.
In mythology it is only when Heracles gets down on his knees and raised the Hydra to the light does the awesome beast reveal its jewel. So in the end some kind of fail, or fall or injury makes possible surrender of a kind, and makes time for the necessary healing.
As the words flow out from me in this blog which, as usual is revealing another face I get out of the way and let it flow, I get closer to some answers or images which rise up and reveal their truths. And I have felt a particular cleansing and healing over the past couple of days.
I read a beautiful piece of writing this morning by the poet Mark Nepo. In it he spoke about how life is an ongoing migration of a sort that carries us across shifting oceans to ever new experiences and realisations. He uses the powerful metaphor of the ocean swell being akin to the process we undergo in living and journeying each day. At times we are caught up in the belly of a wave, at other times we are cresting. While in the belly we cant see much and things can get scary, but then another day reveals to us insights we did not have before and so we are riding, for a time, on the wave’s crest. In closing I will leave you with the following quote which really resonated with me deeply.
The life of the soul on Earth has us bobbing on a raft of flesh, in and out of the view of eternity, and the work of the inner pilgrim is to keep eternity in our heart and mind’s eye when dropped in the belly of our days.
April 30, Our Constant Arrival, The Book of Awakening
18 thoughts on “Reflections on reactivity following a hurt”
Very insightful, deep post. Do you have your natal chart posted somewhere? I’ve also got Chiron in the 7th (conjunct Moon and Saturn) and have struggled with romantic relationships. I was also wondering, do you have a Moon-Mercury square in your natal chart? Blessings to you.
Unfortunately I don’t have my natal chart posted online, but I have nearly everything in Aquarius. Mars1, Saturn 3. Moon 6, Sun 15 Asc 16, Venus 16, Mercury 17 and Jupiter/South node 18 Aquarius all square to natal Neptune in the third at 13 Scorpio. I think I noticed on one of your posts that you have Uranus and Pluto in the first, too. Mine are both there, Uranus at 29 Leo and Pluto at 9 Virgo opposite natal Chiron in the 7th. I don’t have the Moon Mercury square but a wide conjunction with Neptune square both. We seem to have some ties ups and I can really relate to your struggle with your family to keep loving and being open even when really hurt. I think some change has come for me when I got more insight into the Chiron emphasis. I have stopped expecting no pain in relationships, seeing it as a kind of message for healing on some level, even though really, really tough at times. Now I try to stay present with myself in the pain til it moves or shifts and that deepens my inner connection. I also get a sense at times I project pain that may not be there onto relationships (deep fear of the Saturn Moon) which may mean the possibility of a new connection triggers old hurt or experiences am in the midst of trying to write a blog about this. Because I have the strong Neptune and it is part of a t square my work is around getting more realistic about what I can and cannot expect from others who have their own issues and reaching out from love. I would be very interested to how you have experienced your own Saturn Moon with Chiron in the 7th that must have been very very painful. Blessings to you too. I am looking forward to exploring more of your blogs now we have connected. .
Hi again, I’m trying to get a handle on all your Aquarius energy but am wondering if you meant you had your Descendant in Aquarius ? I take it that is what you meant? So your ASC is 16 Leo ?
I”m also pondering your question about how I’ve experienced my Moon/Saturn/Chiron……..answering that may take me a wee while…
Yes thats right desc. at 16 Aquarius..Noth node in Leo very close to it…I know thats a big question I asked about Saturn Moon Chiron..have you read what Liz Greene writes about Saturn Moon..when I read your blog on the Nodes I could really feel that theme running strongly beneath everything…LG speaks about the deep disappointment of Sat Moon and how it throws us back on ourselves consistently..a hard lesson.
NN close to ascendant that is…
“LG speaks about the deep disappointment of Sat Moon and how it throws us back on ourselves consistently..a hard lesson.”
Yes I will have read LG, but not for years. Will pull her books out again. I think I have everything she has ever written.
Disappointment! Yes, that word is totally accurate and very apt, especially now. It fits into the situation that happened with my father. My Narc mother, who I helped buy a car in October (when the eclipse was sitting on my Sun)…… I’ve written about this elsewhere….. acted true to form a few weeks later so I no longer have contact with her. Funnily enough though, with her this time, I was not disappointed. I knew this would eventually happen so it didn’t surprise me. I also had realised that despite knowing she would revert to true form soon enough, while she was being nice and while there was a mutual exchange of relatively balanced energy going on, I was prepared to just enjoy that. Enjoy that brief moment of having a semi normal mother daughter relationship, knowing it probably wouldn’t last long.
Ha,who am I kidding. Reading what I”ve just written shows me that underneath my calm, intellectual understanding of the situation with her I am still disappointed, despite having done tonnes of work on my inner child over the years.
And Disappointment is why I have stopped all attempts at dating and finding a suitable partner. I’ve been looking ( lots of internet dating) since 2007. I’ve met hundreds of people in person. Now, as I said in a comment to Carrie (Ladywithatruck) the way men behave online and the caliber of men online now, is just too poor. I just can’t take anymore disappointment. I’ve been upbeat, fake it to you make it, positive, non judgmental, expecting it to happen etc but the constant, never ending stream of disappointment has just worn me down.
God that sounds depressing LOL
I’m actually really quite happy just hanging out with my dog at the moment.
Have something in my mind re the Chiron influence, it relates to my mother as well …..
PS have pretty much got your chart sorted on Astro. Not quite right cos I don’t know enough town names in Oz (am assuming you were born in Oz) 🙂
Wow we have gone through so much similar stuff. I am in exactly the same space..spend most time with my dog and friends I have made through him. I have a really close male friend who has similar issues and I get a lot of comfort from that relationship. I have felt for a while my destiny is solitary since that is when I feel most peace.. My last relationship really broke my heart and took time to heal from..I still have scars. I was born on Canberra at 7.10 pm.
Also it is just like us Saturn Mooners to cover over our pain with justifications and rationalisations..like you I give only to be hurt and LG talks about how the body carries and expresses those deep painful feelings of frustrated longing and loss. In the end we give up also because others dont get our emotional nature? At least that has been my experience. In the past few years though ive found one or two friends who do.
Ha ha ha, I got your chart right using Sydney as the place and a time of 7pm. I’ve taken a screen shot of it but can’t figure out how to post it into this reply. Probably you can’t do that? I’m still very new to Word Press and still figuring out how it works.
Have my ‘Saturn: A new look at an old Devil’ …… out to read. And also the chapter “Honour thy Father and Mother….. with Reservations” from LG’s book ‘Relating’ to start with.
Do you have her big book called Neptune ?
Yes, my experience also has been people don’t get my emotional nature…. especially the mystical Pisces influence I have in spades. I always used to attract fiery types to me (they were attracted to my Leo Asc) but when they got to know me better and saw my incredibly deep, intense, mystical watery side….. well…… they would run away screaming. And the people with the same watery, mystical side to them as me, generally can’t handle my outgoing, very confident, ballsy Leo Asc. So I can’t win. Well haven’t yet anyway. LOL
I learned a really important lesson in the last relationship where my ex had real problems with similar things to do with emotional, sensitive, mystical, needing quiet time to introvert etc NOT to try to change to become what he wanted (which it turned out meant I was abandoning myself all the time). I have consistently been told by my mother what I need to do to be different/accepted/acceptable, it was fairly unconscious until recently. One thing I learned is that people who really love you will accept all of you, not just the bits that suit them. And its not real love to want someone to be different either. If that means being alone and being happy in my own company, that is much better for me, than trying to change myself to be acceptable. I have strong Neptune so maybe it was my default setting to change shape to try and suit others. Isn’t it interesting that we have the same ascendant? I always feel I should tone down my fire, so as not to piss anyone off. After my sister died I found a bunch of letters my Mum wrote to her (she was 16 years older than me) after she left home and married. They concerned how she could not cope with my dramatic, extroverted side. Until then I had not had the true knowing of why expressing myself made me feel so uncomfortable and why I would be accused of being selfish when really I was just trying to express myself. I think its really important to honour the Leo side, its a bit of a solitary energy though and requires we are really in touch with our own energy source and shining in the unique way we need to do so. (Mind you my Uranus is there so that may be part of that energy in my chart.) If someone cant accept that side of you it would not be possible to have a relationship with them as the ascendant is so vital to us.
I read Neptune by Liz Green a number of years ago. Its such a fascinating and difficult energy to integrate into the world in many ways. Lots more to say on that. Lots more to express. I think artistic expression is so important for strong Neptune/Pisces and its hard for others to understand how deeply empathetic that energy is, how much we pick up and how difficult it can be sometimes to get a handle on where things we feel are coming from. At least that has been my experience.
Tone Down! Boy did those words hit home for me. Not because I have ever felt the need to ‘tone down’ my Leo Asc, or my personality in general, but because other people have told me I should. Because other people are ‘scared, intimidated, overwhelmed’ by my invisible energy (which apparently is very strong) and, my personality.
My father in particular would say those words if I was expressing something in a passionate way (how can someone with my chart not be passionate for gods sake!) or was really fired up about something… which of course is passionate. ……… Yet he was more than happy to use my courage, passion, intelligence etc when it suited him when he needed me to go into battle for him…. which I did when it came to dealing with officials, doctors, etc etc.
A male friend I now have also said those words to me at some point after first meeting me…….. can’t really remember how the conversation came about…. and I said “why the hell should I?” “Why should I have to change my personality and who I am just to fit someone else’s idea of who I should be, if they can’t handle it that reflects on them not me.” This male, now knowing me really well knows that that side of me is just one part of me. He also accepts the other parts of me too. He’s a good friend.
Re Neptune….. yes a very difficult energy to work with. I had a real ‘run in’ with Neptune a few years ago. I wrote a blog post about it.
And yes, I am constantly having to analyze if what I’m feeling belongs to me or someone else. As I’ve gotten older this ‘picking up’ of other people’s stuff has become stronger and stronger…..and it now doesn’t even have to be people I know or am close to…… I have no idea why. I constantly have to remind myself to ‘white light shield’ so that I’m not bombarded with energy that’s not mine etc.
Also reflecting on what you wrote at the beginning of that reply its really true that water attracts fire and vice versa and then they end up battling over their different ways of approaching reality. My experience is that we tend to attract what is in the shadow. The real work comes when instead of trying to fight this we look to what (in not being integrated) may be calling to us. I was thinking in response to what we had been sharing recently that growth comes through finding the blessing in the wound or difficulty. Learning how to extract something positive (for example out of the deep loneliness and frustration of Saturn Moon) and find the gift in it. I think when we accept and stop fighting there comes a shift, but sometimes we don’t get there before going through a lot of pain.
I spent a couple of years in 2003-4 delving quite deeply into the shadow self, projection, the inner beloved etc. Might pull out those books again after finishing with LG. God she is such a good author. The stuff she has written in “Saturn” is just so on the money……
I’m trying to think of the ‘pot of gold’ that could be gained from the disappointment etc that comes from Moon/Saturn…… I think/feel for me it might be something along the lines of what LG says on page 104 “There are few women who are truly themselves as independent individuals; there are many who are attempting to overcompensate with apparent freedom but few who have fully come to terms in a conscious way with their own femaleness and with the mother who stands psychologically as a symbol of that femaleness.”
Yes thats a powerful point
Many years ago I read a book by a Jungian therapist..Marion Woodman callef the Pregnant Virgin and it was about that process of inner self discovery that comes as a result of facing abandonment wounds from the mother…that leads onto embracing a deeply feminine part of us deep feelings and such…I think it relates to that Saturn Moon process…we can surrender our power in relationships when unhealed wounds are driving us. Facing those wounds and healing from within means we gain inner power at the end of a long process…LG makes the point that its only when we look to ourselves for fulfillment things start coming to us..I feel maybe the Chiron return is when this happens and if our inner planets are implicated that is a huge process and transition.
This conversation, which prompted me to re-read LG’s “Saturn” I think is having a powerful affect on me. I have felt for a long time that I may have had some stuff buried so deep in me I just couldn’t access it, no matter how much I dug. Now it seems due to these conversations we have had, and especially your comments about ‘disappointment’ … well these have finally allowed me to access those deep parts of myself that I previously couldn’t access. Thank You! I’ve got some sections of LG’s book marked and am thinking of possibly doing a blog post on them.
That really touches me deeply. I think the Saturm Moon experience is like this very deep sadness maybe even with a multi generational aspect..
At least that is my intuition. Thank you for sharing that with me…if you would like to be in touch over email id be happy to be. Ill love to read your post when you write it. Hugs and love ♥
Yes, very happy to write via email. And your comment ‘multi generational’ is tied up with the question you asked me in the beginning about my experience of Chiron in the 7th…… sacrifice is another part of the deep sadness aspect linked to all of this…. me, my mother, her mother and I believe her mother too. I’m still thinking about how to actually write about it. Blessings my friend.
Yes, to find words for something that is so far beyond words and so deep in the soul is difficult, maybe this is something LG said why it works best (this more strong Neptune, though than the Saturn Moon) with imagery or poetry or some artistic expression. My email is email@example.com. Lately Ive been listening a lot to the album Ghost Stories. Chris Martin, lead singer of Coldplay has the Saturn Moon conjunction in Leo. This album makes me cry and is really transcendental in the feelings of sadness it expresses. It touches me on such a deep level… Like you he has strong Pisces too.