On Disappointment and Expectation

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This blog is inspired by a beautiful comment posted on the site of Unupturned Soul and in response to a disappointment that I suffered in a new friendship last week.

Ursula wrote:

Working things out is multi-layered, sometimes each layer is painful, but within the pain there is healing. So each layer also holds a form of pleasure. We need to remember that everyone else experiences similar things to what we experience. We are not alone, even when we are alone. We’re all in this together trying to figure it out. Stumbling along the path of life, of relationships, of being human. Expecting other people to know when we don’t… to know better than us, to know us better than we know them or ourselves, to not make the mistakes that we make, to not be human as we are human… can lead to us finding out that they are just as we are, learning as they go along, feeling the pain and sometimes pleasure of it. By cutting them slack, we cut ourselves slack… and maybe in the place where slack is cut we find a moment when expectation does not lead to disappointment and all the things which lead from there. We just connect human to human and know that.

Wasn’t that a beautiful sentence : “a moment when expectation does not lead to disappointment and all things which lead from there.”

Disappointment is part of life, its is part of me not being you and you needing different things to me, or having other priorities beyond me.  That is, I guess a part of growing up (something it has taken me a long time to do). I was recently disappointed when one of my nephews did not ask me to his wedding. Our relationship was growing closer and I would have loved to share his joy.  Later he told my sister he felt bad and he apologised.

I get disappointed that the connection I try to forge with some people goes nowhere, and this happened to me last week.  A person I wanted to grow closer to, said that she had other priorities.  I was disappointed and I cried after I hung up.  I told her I understood her other priorities. It wasn’t so much about me.  It was about what she needed for herself and I didn’t figure on that list.  Another comment she made showed me she considered I may be an energy drain, too much in need of care.  I could understand how she felt.  But had she really seen all of me?  What about the gifts I had to give?  No matter.  I let it drop much sooner than would have done before. Perhaps it was a sign that I needed to be there for me, to open to me, to let my little inner one who may have been playing out another layer of an older longing let go of that hope, adjust to the reality and allow the sadness to unpeel another layer of pain that would then reveal pleasure.

At times, I have felt very alone.  I did not always have a way to reach out and to trust.  People moving and going away or having some kind of trauma or accident meant they were taken away.  Certain needs of mine for emotional closeness were frustrated. In time I see I became very wary of any new involvement and so I was holding back.  And sometimes that holding back meant I let people down as the cost of reaching out seemed too great or scary. I missed opportunties and I hurt them.

I remember in the fist semester of studying psychological astrology in London, my teacher mentioned this Saturn Moon theme of disappointment as being like a stone in the bottom of  a shoe, constantly there as a theme, triggered at times.  In her book on Saturn Liz Greene talks about the Saturn moon child’s home life as a source of disappointments, perhaps hard to put a finger on, longings around which then get buried at a somatic level.  I am thinking about this a lot at present after sustaining an injury that has meant I must depend on others and ask for help, open up my need, display my vulnerability.  I don’t find it easy but I am making progress.

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Disappointment isn’t quite as difficult to handle now.  I know it is a part of life.   In expecting less my disappointments may be less but I still want to hope for goodness so I wont deny I will still hope to be close to you and to grow in intimacy.

And I am coming to know that what Ursula wrote is true.  Even though, at times it seems like I am alone, and I am for a time, really what I am suffering or going through is not unique and there are millions of others out there going through similar things.  And through feeling my own feelings and pain through I become aware of the universality of those experiences which helps me deepen in compassion for me and for you.

Today, in my life, are loving people who really are willing to be there for me, as I have been for them.  So there is a healing trying to happen around reaching out, opening up and learning to trust.  I know I can get very centred on my own world and troubles at times.  Letting go of some of those is a good thing.  It helps me reach for something new, something I dare not have hoped for and asks me to give, for in giving I receive.

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And each day there are the simple quiet pleasures, sunshine, nature, food, shelter, friends to share with, this blog and life, sweet life, sometimes pleasure, sometimes pain, but always real, unpeeling, unfolding and unfurling me towards the next realisation.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Acceptance, Co dependency, Emotional RecoveryLeave a comment

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