An expectation (can be) a premeditated resentment

I don’t want to believe in a negative world where you can’t trust anyone.  And I don’t.  But lately It has occurred to me that my happiness decreases in relation to my expectations, especially unrealistic expectations.  Maybe its a lesson of my Leo North Node in the first house and is being especially highlighted now, that the Sun is inching towards it in its yearly cycle.  But I am more and more conscious of my need to be and act independent of expectations placed on others while still allowing myself to be authentic in my connection with my deepest gut feelings and needs.

As I look back on my life I see I have spent a considerable amount of time in frustration over not being acknowledged by certain family members and at not receiving the kind of adequate empathetic responses from friends which I was hungering for, having endured some fairly major traumas.  And this issue has been particularly pertinent since my sister passed a few months ago.  I have one friend who is really lovely and gets in touch just to see how I am travelling.  I am most grateful for that, but my experience, in dealing with the death of loved ones is that others tend to keep their distance.  And the truth is that I need to accept that people out there just don’t know how to cope or what to say.

Today I was reading Therese Borchard’s blog on Sanity Break entitled 7 Ways to Deal With People Who Don’t Understand Depression. (In a way I would like to substitute the word sadness for depression as so often these two things are deeply connected in our society

Therese writes:

Mood disorders are as easy for me to understand as kindergarten math, but that’s because my education started before I was out of diapers.  Depression is like a culture that is difficult to understand if you haven’t lived in the country or spoken the language.

This is something I have to bear in mind when I feel disappointed in particular responses to what I am dealing with or going through in the aftermath of loss.  Unless others have lived in that country and learned to speak that language they are not going to be able to respond in the way that I need.

The passing Saturn transit over my natal Neptune and in square to my Mercury in the seventh has taken me through a tough emotional passage, but it has also in a good way made me much more realistic with my expectations around emotional empathy and intimacy.  Expecting something of someone they are incapable of giving is bound to develop into a frustration, burden or resentment.  As we say in Al Anon.   “An expectation is a premeditated resentment.”

In an ideal world it would be great to receive the empathy and connection I need but the world is not ideal.  Like it or not other people aren’t put on earth to serve my needs.  Some people will be able to be there and get where I am coming from,  Others just wont.  And the bottom line is that the closer I am to understanding exactly what I need and the more realistic I can be about the ways of getting those needs and about who “gets” it and who doesn’t the happier I am going to be. 

Maybe I am feeling somewhat more at peace with this issue now, as over the past few days I have received a great deal of affirmation and support in dealing with my family issues.  I also suspect that having now began to speed up following its station direct Saturn in Scorpio while the Sun moves into the waning square a decisive turning point has been reached.  I seem to have a greater clarity coming out of this transit as to the dynamics in my own family and a stronger sense of boundaries between self and others. 

And the truth is I am not always going to be able to be there or “get” what others are going through, though I will try. 

And all in all its seems to me that despite the hard times, life is a pretty amazing adventure.  One in which we get to learn some important lessons and then move onto the next chapter, wiser, stronger and with more peace.