Things have been inwardly and outwardly turbulent and tumultuous ever since the April eclipse. I lost my sister, reconnected with my nephews, had a falling out with my therapist, found two new counsellors, deepened connection with certain friends and made a move away from others, walked my puppy, made new connections at the park and cared for my home, cried some days, hibernated on the foggy peasouper ones (like today), revelled in the infrequent sunny ones, lit the fire, read some lovely books and bought myself a new pair of sheepskin boots and an electric blanket.
These have been the mundane aspects of my daily life and very precious to me when I reflect, that while caught up in them I have not always been aware of the preciousness of the fact I am alive on such a beautiful planet. Today I am being reminded of the wonderful quality of gratitude. The warmth it bestows. I am grateful for the days on which I can be grateful. And also, what is emerging in me is the realisation that I am relishing moments in silence, when I can just be with what is occurring. Modern life seems to me these day so busy. There is much we can do, a hundred diversions, thousands of blogs to read and yet beyond all this human busyness and activity it occurs to me that the silent stillness of nature and the present moment is calling out to my soul to be heard, witnessed, reverenced and loved. Today, I am feeling the deepening calling in my soul of presence.
Its a bit of a paradox that here I am writing about presence, silence and stillness. Often when I am with people and there is a lot of noise the words of this song come into my mind : “Everybody’s talking at me, I can’t hear a word they’re saying, only the echoes of their mind”. Perhaps I have been in deep grief and crying and someone asks me what the tears are about. At that moment I don’t want to say anything or be taken away from what is emerging in and through the vale of tears. I long for the other person just to be able to acknowledge the feeling of what it is, beyond all of the words.
Possibly its a Neptune thing. When people are talking I am not just listening with my ears to the worlds but listening with my heart and feeling in more deeply to the emotional subtext of what they are saying, into the energy of their expression. It occurred yesterday when I was in a meeting and certain people were sharing from their experience, inside my body something was vibrating, attuning and responding and perhaps even amplifying that energy. It may be a quality that I have always possessed and was not aware of before, perhaps part of being an empath. At the moment I am more aware of this quality of receptivity and of how important it is for my soul to have times of quietness and stillness times when I move away from all the energies out there which form a sea that can infiltrate me and pull me in. I seek a dynamic balance of inward and outward and feel that struggle as it has played out over many years, especially as Saturn, planet of boundaries stations to move forward, three degrees from natal Neptune in the third.
In the middle of writing this, my puppy Jasper came up to me and looked at me with his gorgeous deep brown eyes. I picked him up cuddled him and sang him a song which he liked I think. That experience was so beautiful to me, a gift beyond words And somehow he tuned in to todays’ energy of quiet stillness, as he is now sitting quietly patiently by my side waiting for his walk that has been a long time coming. I’m grateful today for an overcast peasouper with gentle rain which gives me the permission to dwell inward, reflect and write, much as Jasper needs his exercise. Sharing such a day is such a sweet solitary pleasure, one I long for and which has not occurred over the past week.
And I am so grateful for Jasper. The lovely one who does not search for an explanation for tears, who is happy to draw close to my side when I am sad and just be with me in the present moment, not asking for any explanations.
I remember getting really annoyed with a lady in a writer’s group of which I was a part who one day was trying to tell the group that people were superior to animals. As Carolyn Baker writes in her essay on the wild self.
Every animal with whom I have developed a relationship . …has been a teacher. Each has “spoken” to me in a different way, whether by lying beside me as I cried, warning me of impending danger, or just looking deeply into my eyes. Similarly, animals I have encountered in the wilds of nature have instructed me, comforted me, warmed me, and enchanted me.
Enchantment, now there is a beautiful word. I think I will leave you with it.