This afternoon I was invited by a close friend to see her perform in a choir at a local craft fair. I have been finding it hard to commit to social engagements lately. Life has been feeling very heavy. In South Eastern Australia we are experiencing some severe weather conditions and in true Saturn fashion I just feel like hibernating, eating soup, lighting the fire, reading, writing, listening to music. I guess its my natal Saturn Moon which makes me naturally introverted and introspective. Mercury has been retrograde for the past few weeks and that has emphasised the inward pull and yet there, on the outer edges of consciousness, are the voices calling me away from solitary inwardness to relationship. After taking Jasper to the park I went along. It was enjoyable especially some of the Celtic songs which really resonate with me.
Waiting in the wings following the performance of my friend’s choir was another choir and I spotted a familiar face. It was the therapist that wrote about in a previous blog. She really let me down and put pressure on me following my sister’s death, in short she did not respect my boundaries. Then, after I had asked for some space in the midst of dealing with the aftermath of my sister’s death, alone with my mother, she continued to hound me with texts and threatened to charge me for a session I did not attend. I had told her I needed a break. As you can imagine I was not thrilled to see her and I am not sure if she saw me.
The choir which she was performing in were called Andante Andante, taking their name from an Abba song, the words meaning to tread softly on my heart. The irony of this was not lost on me. In fact they were an Abba choir. Close to the end of their set they performed a version on the song The Winner Takes it all. I have suffered a lot of loss in my life and sitting there alone feeling into the lyrics a river of pain opened up within me. I was so conscious of the deep wounds around my heart. Of the many times in my life I had watched people walk away with something or someone I desired so much to be with, from my first love at the age of 17 to the last painful relationship in which I was never loved for being me, to this last painful therapeutic encounter in which I invested a lot of money and time, only to be hurt. Did she tread softly on my heart?
Following this performance I was supposed to join my friend and her family for a cup of tea. Feeling very vulnerable still, holding back tears, I just did not have the heart for it. I made my excuses, just managing escape to the solitude of my car before making a call to my Mum. As I was speaking to her about this incident, tears flowing in big gulps it came to me that there was a mythic theme here that was being triggered. Its just like in the Wizard of Oz, I said, to her through tears as we discussed what had happened. The Wizard is just a normal person masquerading as something else.
Somewhere deep inside I was conscious that it was my own longing for attention, to be seen, heard, loved and valued that had led me on an illusory quest with this therapist. It was my longing and need that has made her appear as someone she was not; At the same time I was reminded to have compassion for the hurting lonely child in me that was so alone she felt that only by paying money to someone could she secure the loving and nurture she craved. This same theme has been a constant, the constant theme of disappointment of the Saturn Moon. And yet, after feeling this through and as I write, it is occurring to me that within me all along was the only one who could give this to me. Who could ease my longing. But not without going through this pain, since that now appears to me, sadly, as the only way I could learn to begin to bring the focus back within myself, away from my illusory Neptunian quest.
I’m starting to understand as Saturn begins to slow down in exact square to my natal Sun, Venus, Mercury, Jupiter and South Node in the seventh house and three degrees from my natal Neptune in the third, that real and true intimacy has never really existed in my life. Especially with my siblings there has never been a place to go and cry my eyes out or find comfort from the damaging situations that began to unfold in my life due to my quest for love from emotionally unavailable partners and an emotionally unavailable inner self. Its been a very lonely journey and at the times of deepest crisis and sadness I have been alone. There have never been any comforting arms to hold me.
As I write this I am scared that people will think I am full of self pity. I am full of sadness and yet it is in feeling this sadness and most curiously, even the depths of this aloneness that something else is emerging. I am conscious while writing this of the idea that in alchemy it is out of the nigredo or journey thought the darker, heavier emotions,, that the precious gold or diamond is formed. Or more aptly that gold or diamond is formed under the pressure of and through the containment of this process. It is in holding still within it, opening to the pain and allowing it to work its transformation that a change of form and substance occurs.
Today, once again, the words of TS Elliot are on my mind:.
I said to my soul, be still, and wait without hope
For hope would be hope of the wrong thing
Wait without love
For love would be love of the wrong thing
Wait without thought,
You are not ready for thought
So the darkness shall be the light
And the stillness the dancing
These words always make me cry. They bring a recognition of some far deeper truth. They are the words sent to me by someone when I was in a deep depression following my move back to Australia from the land of my deepest connection to the ancestors, England. I’m watching shows this week set in that beautiful land. I am conscious of my two homes and of the journey that has led me backwards and forwards so many times in a quest for understanding. Today it was the Celtic songs, from the first choir, Ladies Mantle, that touiched my soul as they so often do.
Here, writing alone, tonight and over these past weeks as we move towards the Saturn station I am conscious of the heaviness of Saturn journey, whilst glimpsing through this pain the glimmering of deeper truths that at the moment are so essential for me to digest,
Here in the stillness and silence of the winter night and my wintering heart may the light dance like a bright fire as consciousness emerges slowly. Through containing the aloneness of the process and in finding deep within it the place where light of inner comfort grows I will hold fast and wait until the darkness becomes light and the stillness the dancing.