Love starts with loving myself

We all have bad days.  When we have undergone a lot of loss or pain and sadness or if we have come out of an abusive relationship, one in which someone tried to convince us we were not lovable the bad days can be really, really bad.  I know how it is cause three years ago I came out of one of those relationships.  I have just watched a documentary on a woman who following the loss of her partner was scammed over the internet by a young Nigerian man who eventually seduced her to give away to him all of her life savings. She then gave up her life in Australia and moved to Nigeria and was dead within a short time.  This story resonated with me for following the end of my emotionally abusive relationship I too was scammed for a considerable amount of money.  At that time my head was full of many of the nasty things my ex had told me about me.  I thought finding love from someone else could erase this pain.  In the end it only led to more pain, but on a positive note, this experience did help me to turn my life around.

I look back now and the deep abandonment pain I felt  is no longer there. I realise this was a lesson I had to live through on my path towards self love and self understanding.  Lacking love and support of my true self over many years I learned to abandon myself.  I feel incredibly grateful to no longer live in that place.  It has taken a lot of work to get here and to feel good. I still have some bad days, especially following the loss of my older sister but good days do follow.  What I do know now is that my happiness rests in my own hands.  Only I have the power to give my goodness away, only I have the power to protect and nurture it.

Following on this belief I would like to share a daily meditation from Tian Dayton’s book “One Foot In Front Of The Other.”  Tian specialises in helping people affected by a loved one’s addiction or attachment to non nuturant relationships.   She has been a light on my own path of healing.

Feeling Good

I am the one who ultimately needs to sustain my own state of mind.  If I don’t keep my spirit strong, no one else will, no one else can.  My state of mind and my mood are my responsibility.  I will set the intention of feeling good, knowing that that is a way of increasing good entering my day.  My breath connects my body with my spirit so breath awareness is a time honoured way to elevate my mood. Today I will take moments throughout my day to consciously breathe out anxiety and breathe in peace and serenity.  Through breathing easily and deeply I invite spirit in.  This is a simple form of meditation that I can do when I am sitting still, lying down or walking. I can let my mood lighten as I repeat this gentle process over and over again, until I experience a subtle shift.  Meditating in this way is accessible and easy.  It gives me a way of calming my mind and body and restoring good feeling whenever I want to.

I sometimes forget to breathe deeply, or I can get so focused on a task I sometimes get caught up in my head and on a subtle level loose contact with my body.  I noticed this today and while I was gardening made a deliberate intention to focus on the breath, not in an artificial way, but in a way that opened me up to being in the present and finding everything in the moment vital, vibrant and alive. While I was eating dinner tonight I came upon this writing of Tian’s and it resonated with the experience of my day.