Kissing the broken places

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I tend to write a lot about feelings. I tend to read a lot about them too, probably a legacy of a childhood where what I felt wasn’t really mirrored and I did not have the tools or support to make sense of feelings.

My recovery from co-dependency and addiction has taught me that in order to be a whole human being, awake and alive in the moment it is so important for me to understand what my feelings and emotions are.  I see emotions as energy in motion and they are the energy that propels my spirit forward into life and expression, while at the same time being a guide into my inner truth and reality, giving me instinctive information about the environment and my current inward state.

Guidance often comes to me when I need it from a source, some others call that source a Higher Power or the Higher Self.  I call it intuition and Mercury is currently opposite my natal Uranus in the first which some say rules intuitive insight.  Yesterday as I was facing a major conflict that needed to be discussed with someone I was urged by my intuitive voice to read page 137 in a book called Addiction as an Attachment Disorder by Philip J. Flores.

The particular page was on attachment styles, specifically those outlined by psychologist Mary Ainsworth, expanding on the work of John Bowlby.  It outlined the four major types of attachment and spoke about the importance of protest as the child expresses his feelings to relation to the comings and goings and actions of the parent.  I won’t outline the four styles in depth here, but the point made was that securely attached children were not necessarily the ones taken up in to mother’s arms most frequently and for the longest period.  Rather they were the children who had mothers who were able to respond to their cues to be picked up or put down as the child needed, that is they had mother’s who were more in tune with their unspoken needs.

Consistently unresponsive mothers were more likely to ignore the child’s distress and often intruded on the child when they were playing happily.  They were less attuned to the child’s emotional states and unspoken needs.  These mothers had ambivalently insecure children.

Lack of warmth and brusqueness or gruffness was the characteristic of Insecure and avoidant mothers who then raised avoidant-insecure children.

In the disorganised responsive and insecure disorganised group, explored by Ainsworth such mothers were those who were suffering great distress and had a high incidence of abuse in their history.  These mothers were unable to be consistent and so their children suffered a similar disruption to attachment.

Quoting psychologist J. Holmes, Flores writes:

Parental attunement on one hand and the ability to accept protest without retaliation or excessive anxiety on the other hand form the basis for secure attachment. … through parental attunement, the child must be able to feel she has “created” the object, that the world is her oyster.  This is the basis of healthy narcissism and self esteem.  Second, the child needs to be able to feel that her parents can survive her rage, and so be able after an angry outburst, to say.  “Hello… I destroyed you.” … these primary attachment and separation experiences provide a nucleus for the development of the capacities for intimacy and autonomy, respectively.”

A few pages back, Philip Flores narrates the story of Paul, an addict in recovery who through early experiences of difficulty with attachment became disconnected from his deeper feelings and as a result became sexually compulsive.  Flores mentions while discussing Paul’s case a paper by John Bowlby entitled “On Knowing What You Are Not Supposed to Know, and Feeling What You Are Not Supposed to Feel.”. Here I felt was the intuitive guidance for me with what I was struggling with, in learning to respect and honour my own feelings not being attuned to by the person which whom I had experience conflict.

Flores writes:  “Paul compounded his dilemma by trying to keep his own feelings and knowledge secret even from himself.”  He became sexually compulsive acting out old repressed feelings in this way rather than deal with them directly.

Contemplating all this this afternoon I was drawn to page 213 in the Language of Letting Go, where  Melody Beattie writes:

Since I’ve been a child, I’ve been in a antagonistic relationship with an important emotional part of myself: my feelings.  I have consistently tried either to ignore, repress, or force my feelings away.

I’ve denied I was angry, when in fact I was furious.  I have told myself there must be something wrong with me for feeling angry, when anger was a reasonable and logical response to the situation

I have told myself these things did not hurt, when they hurt very much.  I have told myself stories such as “That person didn’t mean to hurt me”…”He or she doesn’t know any better”… I”I need to be more understanidng.”  The problem was that I had already been too understanding of the other person and not understanding and compassionate enough with myself.

I didn’t succeed in my attempts to control emotions.  Emotional control has been a survival behaviour for me.  I can thank that behaviour for helping me get through many years and situations where I didn’t have any better options.  But I have learned a healthier behaviour – accepting my feelings.

We are meant to feel.  Part of our dysfunction is trying to deny or change that.  Part of our recovery means learning to go with the flow of what we’re feeling and what our feelings are trying to tell us.

We are responsible for our behaviours but we do not have to control our feelings.  We can let them happen.  We can learn to embrace, enjoy and experience – feel – the emotions as part of ourselves.

I will give power and freedom to the emotional part of myself.

**************

The meeting I had to have yesterday was with a person who had caused me a great deal of upset several weeks ago and then tried to turn the tables and blame me. This person is a therapist. Last Monday she had rung to make an apology last and ask if we could meet to discuss what had happened between us.   I suffered a lot of anxiety for the entire day leading up to our meeting, a lot of which I now know came from the backlog of feelings around our conflict I had to hold inside for a number of weeks.

For much of the scheduled half hour that we met I must say I cried, while expressing to her my truth and deep feelings and the sadness in my soul at what she had done.  It all just flowed out of me and it was difficult to stop the movement of energy that was releasing.  There was not really a lot she could say, except that she felt upset I was sad.   It wasn’t only that I had been hurt, though it was a great weariness I felt yesterday for all the broken attachments, deaths, lack of attunement, misunderstandings, loss of connection and the inability to heal any of it experienced over many years as well as for the lack of recognition or apology to date. Deeper down I guess there was also grief for the loss of the hope of healing in a relationship which two years had proved incapable of being repaired and sustaining a deep and true intimacy, due to another person’s very deep wounds. As I write I am conscious this is real transiting Saturn in Scorpio conjunct my natal Neptune territory!

Today I realise the tears I shed were not only for all the disappointment of what had occurred between us since the end of January, but for so many other losses and deep disappointments, that for so long I have to deny and had buried deep in my body.  It was a lifetime of banked up protest and feeling, I guess, that I was uncovering yesterday. It left me quiet spent and tired.  But today I feel grateful for the opportunity to express it.

Mercury has been stationing on my natal Chiron for the past week or so…  I’ve been under the influence of my Chiron return in the seventh house of relationships for over four years now.  My Chiron in the seventh opposes Uranus in the first and Pluto there too and Chiron semi-sextiles my Mars/Moon/Saturn conjunction, emotional connection and understanding has been a fraught and sensitive sore spot for most of my life.    So I do believe all of this in on schedule and an inward alchemy of a sort is occurring deep in my soul.

Today has been a day of peace at home with my puppy after all the tearing and anxiety of yesterday, pre confrontation.  In a short while Jasper and I will head out to the park to play and be in the healing power of nature, a place where I can experience lightness, joy and peace. These are the balms that do my soul a power of good.

In the tears shed yesterday something very deep was uncovered and released.  It felt good to be able to surrender to that experience and not to have to keep in place the defences I felt against the pain this incident had caused.     I’m not entirely sure why this personal blog was headed out by the quotes and information on attachment styles by Flores, but there is an association that I am sure someone will understand….

In the absence of protest and attunement we get driven into a lonely void where there is no place to know what we know and feel what we feel.  At 5 am this morning I awoke with so much from the past, especially my last relationship in which we were both hurt deeply going around in my head. In the midst of this the following thought came into my mind:

“We are powerless over what we are unconscious of and until we become conscious of it we are prisoners who do not know that we are in prison.”

Consciousness into our deeper selves and our past experiences may come in an avalanche, like it did for me yesterday.   Or it may come more slowly.  But once it comes and is released there is a sense of an entirely new freedom and possibility opening out, one that never existed before.  There is also a  feeling of coming home despite or, perhaps more aptly, because of the pain, sadness, longing, loneliness and despair we have had the courage to face, feel, admit, accept and release.

Recently I came across the following quote:

Therapy is not about healing what is broken but about kissing the broken places.  I would change the word therapy to healing.

Today those words resonate with me deeply. Life might not always go according to plan or fully meet our hopes, expectations or ideals but in the end sense can be made of it and healing can come if we are prepared to kiss the broken places.

Published by: emergingfromthedarknight

"The religious naturalist is provisioned with tales of natural emergence that are, to my mind, far more magical than traditional miracles. Emergence is inherent in everything that is alive, allowing our yearning for supernatural miracles to be subsumed by our joy in the countless miracles that surround us." Ursula Goodenough How to describe oneself? People are a mystery and there is so much more to us than just our particular experiences or occupations. I could write down a list of attributes and they still might not paint a complete picture pf Deborah Louise and in any case it would not be the full truth of me. I would say that my purpose here on Wordpress is to express some of my random experiences, thoughts and feelings, to share about my particular journey and explore some subjects dear to my heart, such as emotional recovery, healing and astrology while posting up some of the prose/poems which are an outgrowth of my labours with life, love and relationships. If anything I write touches you I would be so pleased to hear for the purpose of reaching out and expressung ourselves is hopefully to connect with each other and find where our souls meet.

Categories Emotional Recovery, HealingTags, , , , , 9 Comments

9 thoughts on “Kissing the broken places”

  1. Beautiful post, very insightful!

    The flow of your thoughts, feelings, insights, and words are a stream of conscious awareness, of bringing the surface and the deep together, of seeing and understanding.

    As I was reading I kept thinking Mercury Rx in Pisces is stimulating this in some way, because I’ve been having a similar conversation with myself. It’s as though all the creatures of the deep abyss have risen and made themselves available to be seen by the deep see/sea diver.

    Thank you for sharing, really inspiring.

    Did the therapist admit she was in error with how she behaved or did she repeat her pattern?

    1. Wow that is amazing what you wrote as last week I was working on a post that is in draft where I used that image of being a deep sea diver. I think it must indeed have to do with Mercury in Pisces.

      It was confusing with the therapist. She admitted she regretted her behaviour and that her lack of availability was due to personal problems in her own life. But the feeling I got on going back to discuss it was that she didn’t really “get” it….didn’t really validate my feelings and that she was invested in continuing as it was what she really wanted… that she would “accept me back”… I have a gut feeling I am at the end with therapy for now, Ursula, though I stayed open and said I would think about it. I really felt this weariness..that I needed all my energies to stay inside the centre of myself. Tonight I was reading Martin Schulman’s book on the Ascendant and he speaks about how essential this is for Leo Ascendant….that we must learn to shine from the creative centre rather than seek attention or validation from outside. I feel with this opportunity to bear my soul online and in blog I am being enriched….and also with the lovely sharing on here.. where like minded souls really seem to meet and “get” me.. I would be better placed spending my energies in this way. Thank you so much for your affirmation of my blog….:)

  2. Sounds like that therapist needs you more than you need her – it’s a classic Chiron in the 7th role reversal scenario. We go to others for help and end up helping them more than they help us (unless you count negative help which we transform into positive inspiration), but they pretend that it’s the other way around because that’s part of the therapy we are giving to them. And when we assert our needs, their needs get stroppy and we get a slap… of awakening. Which triggers our Pluto/Uranus in the 1st – go it alone because being alone is healthier than being in a relationship which is trying to erase who we are in some way.

    I was reading up – I think it was on Planet Waves – about the energies of the now, and how the Pluto/Uranus square provides a culmination point for those with the Pluto/Uranus conjunction.

    For those of us who have that conjunction in the 1st, this square is focusing our identity for ourselves. After the slow process of dealing with such intense outer planetary energy (which is an agonisingly slow process due to the slow movement of the outer planets) we are reaping what has been sowed.

    I think the transit of Saturn in Scorpio, especially conjuncting natal Neptune, is helping us to let go of that which has been, while keeping what we have learned from it. And may be helpful in creating a bridge between dreams and reality.

    You know your intuition and instincts are strong, trust them, trust yourself. Do what is right for you!

    1. Thank you so much for all you wrote. Reading your words is like a balm to my soul. I remember you wrote about becoming the therapist to the therapist on one of your blogs, being a signature of Chiron in the 7th. I think all of our painful experiences in relationships make us into people who have a lot of wisdom to share about relationships and we work a lot on understanding 7th house issues such as projection etc. I have been so unsure of what to do even though what I wrote last night was so loud and clear. I wonder if Pluto and Uranus in the first speaks of a necessity to go it alone, as you say. Robert Hand says that Uranus in the 1st gives a signature of a person who is such an inventive, unusual energy it is very hard for them to blend with others needs and we need to find our own unique path and live and express it out into the world, while still finding a way to be in relationship. Would you also feel that Pluto in the first means we encounter may “deaths” that mean we are constantly urged by the universe to shed our skins like a snake in order to keep evolving and so relationships can and do pass away often since the first house opposes the seventh??? I have just been reading about how allowing separation actually allows us a deeper intimacy and our developing capacity for this occurs in that period where the child must struggle to come to terms with leaving mother and then returning or being told “no” and finding out mother is in fact separate to her. Relationships can only survive with someone who accepts and tolerates our “no” and doesn’t see it as a total rejection….Neptune may seek a perfect symbiosis and Saturn will work to make us more realistic about what is possible in deep level intimate relationships.

      It is interesting what Eric Francis wrote on Planet Waves as the conjunction of these two or of any cycle is a seeding that comes to some form of head at the opposition and then at the squares, if you study the work of Dane Rudhyar there is a need to reach a decisive e turning point. He uses the analogy of a car coming into a turn, applying the brakes then accelerating out of it…..I’m thinking its a waxing square with Uranus in Aries to Pluto in Cancer. The bummer is when my old laptop went down so did my astrology programme where I had compiled hundreds of charts on generational cycles which are interesting to study especially historically to see what happened at critical cycles of outer planets especially. Anyway that was an important insight..

      I JUST LOVE what you wrote about Saturn in Scorpio. “helping us let go of that which has been, while keeping what we have learned from it” yummm….. excellent. I also think its a Plutonian process as Pluto makes us travel deep, deep down to unearth secret information and feelings that were buried so long ago….in order to bring them up into the light of day, learn and release them, just, as you said with the lesson learned. I think also Saturn is urging us to give a form to the Neptunian dream and longings. To realise they may not always be possible to manifest fully but if we try we can find a creative medium of expression for these in some form.

      Thank you again, beautiful soul, for your affirmation and support. I just feel so blessed to have your feedback and share ideas. It brings me so much joy and peace.

  3. I got to crying during the paragraph that begins with, “For much of the scheduled half hour . . . ”

    For whatever reason, I’ll be reading your words . . . reading . . . reading . . . and then I’ll hit a section where my tear ducts are like, “NOW!” and I am feeling something so deeply moved by your words . . . a sweet sorrow . . . a compassion.

    I really enjoyed reading this.

    The repressing, ignoring, and denying feelings . . . I can definitely relate. I have to work out the mental gymnastics that my mind does to try keeping me from feeling something. Very effective in protecting myself when I was younger, not so useful now. It acts as a gate that opens and shuts between me and my deeper feelings. It’s how I gauge whether I’m being completely honest with myself.

    It felt good to read about you having that release during the confrontation. After I cried I felt a satisfying sigh for you and your situation. I’m very happy you shared this with us. 🙂

    1. Dear Jenn.. thank you so much for your comments. I went AWOL for sometime and just read this today.
      Also thanks for your tears and affirmation or at least the connection you felt to my words.. actually it may so unnecessary to say thank you for that… but it means so much to me… I have to catch up on your recent blogs after I have some lunch.. my tummy is rumbling. Big hug

  4. I have two links for you with loads of info gathered from various sources (and most of the sources are listed for further research) about Pluto and about Uranus. Every time I re-read the info I find something new.

    I think that when you consider the transiting movement of Pluto and Uranus after we were born much of our personal history, our timeline, begins to make sense – the experiences we have had from the moment we were born which shaped who we have become. We’re so connected to the energies of Uranus and Pluto because we were born into them and embody them as our identity (1st house natal and transit after our birth) – I don’t know about the story surrounding your birth process from pre-conception to conception to gestation to birth but mine was very Pluto/Uranus – then they shaped our personal values (2nd house transit) – then they shaped our minds (3rd house transit) – then they shaped our home/roots/family (4th house transit… etc. In other words they are our real parents as they gave birth to us and shaped our foundations by transiting through the intimate and personal section of our charts in our formative years. They gradually moved further apart as we grew older… and that’s as far as I’ve gotten with exploring this.

    Neptune also played a huge part in our formation, by moving through our 4th house and creating confusion about what our roots, family, and home truly was/is.

    And yes, I agree with your view of Pluto bringing many ‘deaths’ and urging us to shed our skins to grow and evolve. And Uranus being tied to Pluto means it’s always a radical transformation through a trauma of some sort – not always a bad one. The urge to die to the old and break free, be reborn, do a phoenix is primal for us. We can try to fight it, but it’s going to win at some point, and the struggle is an intrinsic part of it.

    Having the combination of Pluto/Uranus in the 1st means that those energies are merged as one within our sense of self and they’re intense, but because we’re so used to them we don’t realise the impact they have on other people. We’re sitting there thinking we’re all laid back, chilling in the sun, wondering why everyone is running away from us or attacking us with a large mallet. To us we’re ordinary, to others we’re like a scary force of nature.

    Having Pluto or Uranus on its own in the 1st is a powerful punch of energy, but both means we’re a bit like a volcanic eruption and cyclone both at the same time. I’m thinking that Uranus in Leo is probably a firestorm, and Uranus in Libra is a windstorm. Pluto in Virgo is definitely an active volcano spewing deep earthiness.

    And that loss of all your files – that is so Uranus/Pluto doing their thing. They love to gang up on us. Uranus shocks us with a sudden event and change, then we descend into the underworld within to prepare for a regenerative transformation.

    🙂

  5. Ursula.. thanks also for the links which I am just exploring. I found Steven Forrest’s take on Pluto right on target, and with mine in Virgo I really relate to what is written there, that we can hold off on action until we feel we are perfect enough, which is a kind of living death as the perfecting comes in the process of expressing and then re-expressing out into the world then making adjustments which I think is the essence of Virgo and the waxing and waning inconjuncts. I remember one of my earliest astrology teachers spoke about it as sign of apprencticeship where in we are learning to master through practicing and giving form (as Virgo is an earth sign.) and then with the Pluto singnature those forms have to decay and die in order that we can evolve and express in a new form.. its a very mental sign that has a very earthly aspect to it….much to do with psychosomatics…..???

    Also Virgo rules the waxing inconjunct when an adjustment is made but we don’t have yet the insight of the other or full moon opposition (Libra) which sheds light on what has emerged and unfolded and is struggling to birth into a form and into relationship from its seeding in the conjunction.

    When you look at the glyph of Virgo the tail is sent internally and doubles back on the self. I am watching this with my sister at present who has the Moon there and that is absorbed from Dad’s Virgo stellium….. Part of her current difficulty in living is the pain of how far from the ideal things have fallen and depression sees this as a failure, rather than a sign on the way to evolution into a new form and expression.

    The Virgo person seems to internalise a lot and doesn’t express as so much is going on inwardly. My Dad and brother have Virgo stelliums. Dad ended up with stomach cancer as he internalised for most of his life.

    Anyway there is much much more expressed in this link which I am finding really valuable.

    Thanks again.

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