In Rememberance of my Father

In the littered landscape

All around us

Are the shards of grief

And memories

Of people lost to us

These shards are

The hardened tear drops

That were never shed

May they be shed now

 

Grief is there in the echoes

Distant memories and intimations

That whisper to me

At this time of year

The midnight drive to the hospital

To the bed where you lay

In a semi coma

After the drugs they gave you to calm you down

Obliterated waking consciousness

It was exactly as you said it would be, Dad

“Its not me I’m worried about,

They will give me something to knock me out”

You were often presentient in that way

Powerless beside your bed we hover

While speaking words of love

I hold your hand

Just as you did with my sister, Jude

Four years before

As she lay in a coma

Following the bleed in her brain

“She can’t hear you”

The Doctor said

But you knew better

And had the strength to trust your gut

You held her hand

And willed her back to life

With your words

She awoke again

But you didn’t

 

Several days later

Under general anaesthetic

To form a procedure to help you breathe

Your heart gave out

You died all alone

With no one there to give you comfort

We never got to say goodbye

I could not hold your hand,then

And so you made that great passage alone

That truth made it hard so to grieve

For I wandered so many years alone in the wllderness

Until a new losse released some of the buried grief

 

You fell into the shadows

Of the Great Round

And others stepped in to take control

The rest for me is a blur

But the felt sense of it is strong

As we inch forward towards that day

At this time of year

 

Today I am aware

That some pain is stuck down inside of me

Trying to make its way to the surface

And I remember your request

Please take care of your mother

You said on the day they gave you my blood

Dad I’ve been trying

But it is so hard at times

For the second year

My mother’s grief

Has turned to ulcers in the mouth

And a pain in the throat

She loved you so

You were her earth, moon and stars

Earlier this year

Another bedside vigil

Waiting for my sister to return

And throw of the deep weight

Of an attempt on her own life

When she started moving

Out from beneath the deep weight of inertia

Convulsing and jerking

They gave her something

To calm her down

Why don’t they know

That these convulsions

Are the way the animal body

Shakes off trauma

The doctor’s ask

Why was she on anti-convulsives

My anger burns and burns

Shock therapy and a cocktail of drugs

Were what they doled out

In the place of understanding, touch, care and love

I nearly screamed the ICU down

They listened stunned and somewhat humbled

When I told them of our history

And then, the drugs stopped.

What happens

When grief cant be shared

When cowards run

Or assume the guise of helpers

Without the desire or understanding

To dig down and look deeper

Do they realise

How much this leaves a suffering person all alone

And where can that person go

When it all gets too much

I think you know

My sister visited that place

We all need a place and a space to heal

A place to share

To express the pain

And build a bridge

Back to life, connection and relationship

Especially in the face of the losses

And changes that overwhelm

Without this we are lost

And in the dark night

All meaning is lost

We need to pour it out

Into a vessel

Which will catch the tears

So the tears can be used

To water new life

 

In the place you left, Dad

There is a giant space

I am learning now to fill

In healthier ways

With the things you love

That bring me closer to you

In the garden

Listening to music

And reading about things that broadened your mind

I lost you before we could share an adult relationship

Instead of running

I’m learning to sit still and be

With whatever is arising

And most of all

I have found a place

To express

What flows up

From the underground spring

Of my heart and my creative self

To mine the deep ocean

Of experiences we all share

Writing this is my way through

To the present

To release the heavy burden of a past

That at times has been almost too much to bear

Yesterday my therapist said

Its been a long and painful journey

But Deborah, you are coming through

And we are travelling it together

And so on awakening

With these words

I’m weaving a tapestry

To display just a small portion of our family fate

So it will not all have been in vain

In the dawn of this new day

There is hidden the possibility

Of finding a new way

To be with life in all its pain and joy

Today I wont hold these wounds too close

But wear them loosely

As I move towards the final moments of the old year

Like Janus I will look both ways

Remembering and allowing the past a place

And facing towards the future

Firmly anchored in the present

And you will be with me

In the memories that grace my heart

As I draw close to you

In the garden