Despite the closed fist

It is so sad in this world

That we are not allowed to be who we want to be

That so many are repressed in their true expression

Or have their souls met with anger and control

This creates a world in with the most authentic of us weep

We weep for all the ways

We were blocked from expressing what was most true for our souls

We feel sad that when we needed a genuine and loving hand to hold

Instead we met a closed fist

And we bury the sorrow we really feel

When instead we are fed philosophy

Before we could find the validation so essential to recovery

And yes so many of us had to go forward alone

Over a rocky landscape where so little was given or truly known

  We may have collapsed under the great burden of lack

And ground our souls to ashes in the dust

But in time what other choice did we have

Except to summon up the strength to stand up again

To pick up the pieces of our life and make the choice to go forward

Despite the lack

Despite the judgement

Despite the coldness

Despite the closed fist

Tethered

Reel me into your drama

Its an age old story

Of the one left with no role

But to be the saviour

In order to have a purpose and be seen

When was it that you decided to make of your soul

A willing sacrifice

Standing behind the door

Waiting for a crust of bread

In a world that had no proper food for you

So why exactly was it

That you allowed

A part of yourself to be tethered here

The price was always the one

You CHOSE to pay

So don’t say

Anymore you are a just a victim of circumstance

When the bleeding of your soul

Should have made you know by now

That the price was far too high to pay

Cut the cords my beauty

Fly free

Embrace you power

And have the courage to be the soul

You were born to be

Your true home

Be still

Here in the silence

Away from the noise of all of those voices

Don’t you know I am here

Just waiting for you

To return peace?

Reactive body does its dance

As you feel pulled about by this or that

External claim

But don’t you know

No one owns your sacred space

Don’t get too busy to refind and delve into it

Don’t run so far away

That you forget your true home

In safe keeping

Green light

You are the beacon

That makes my heart skip a beat

As I feel the lap of waters of love

Come calling to me

Dusk brings the hope of word from you so far away

Words of love

That fill the empty space of fear

That grew to a chasm in me

When I opened up all of my pain and vulnerability to you

Never once have you answered in anger

Only ever in love

Never once have you shamed me

As so many others have

So now

No matter how long it takes

I will wait for you

I want to give you my heart

I ams so tired of protecting myself against phantoms

Of past ghosts long gone

And I want to open my soul

To the flood of love you bring to me

You call me angel

As you know God sent me to you

And you to me

Because he knew that

Between both of us

Our hearts would be finally be

In safe keeping

The child in you, you left behind?

When a new reader discovers an older post I love the opportunity to revisit it. So thanks today I am sharing this one again. Did you connect with your inner child today?

Emerging From The Dark Night

I love the idea and feeling of having a connection with the inner child in me.  Certain therapists and writers focus a lot of their recovery on the ‘inner child of the past’.  There are the archetypes of the wounded child, the divine child, the soulful child and the magical child.  Our inner child holds in our body and cells the unconscious memory of all that happened to us in our early years.

Childhood represents a time we were open to everything.  Many of us were connected to the world in a deep or magical way, we may have sensed the presence of spirits, we may have observed things and situations with a state of awe and questioning which was open and then we may have been many times been met with the shut down world of adults, telling us we didn’t see something, or must hug the uncle we…

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Longing

The vice around my heart

Grips me so ferociously at this time of day

When you are so far away

Gone from me

I can never know what is taking place within the silence

All I feel is this longing

Impossible to name

My heart is a well that is deep

But feels empty

As aching echoes through long corridors of time

And I thirst here all alone

Parched

For want of the water of love

There are no tears

But fear is also making me doubt

Can I let this emptiness be

Without filling it with thoughts

Can I just let go

And embrace all of these feelings

So haunting within this silence

As night calls me

Away from daylight

Towards the deep

On letting things (old reactions) go.

I have been thinking this afternoon about the concepts of surrender and letting things. fears and feeling and problems space to breathe after reblogging Tiffany’s post on The Antidote to Fear and learning that she will be following that post up with one on surrender.

This brings into my mind the idea of those things that happened to us in the past over which we had no control and are powerless to change.  We all know no matter how hard we try we can never have different parents to the ones we did.  Certain traumas that befell us we had little control over. Certain people who came into our lives may have been attracted because of our past and until we can come to understand that we don’t have a lot of power to change things.  I was also just listening to two more Richard Grannon videos on Borderline Personality and emotion re regulation in which he explains that if we are around people flying off the handle or reacting in dysregulated or extreme ways our nervous systems end up dysregulated as well.   We learn to have reactions to triggering situations which remind us of earlier ones and then some of us lash out as well probably out of anger or fear.  It takes some time to learn to step back and in BPD fear of abandonment is a huge trigger.  If someone doesn’t return a call or turn up on time we can react and it feels insanely life threatening at the time since these events are often stirring up older feelings.  Surrendering to them may seem like the last thing we want to do but my experience is that if we find the courage to face them and feel them, in time they do integrate and we learn more about our past.

When we feel the abandonment trauma we need all of our wits about us to catch the reaction and then pause before we amplify it. This is the time we might ask help from a power greater than ourselves to hold us through and help us to feel the fear instead of flying immediately to a response which may prove to be counter productive in getting us what we really need, loving connection with another person and a way to communicate how we felt in response to certain behaviours.

My own fears of abandonment have been triggered a lot over the past 36 hours after opening up to someone about some things that triggered me with them on Saturday.  It’s taken some time to get my nervous system back into a state of calm.  This afternoon I know I am powerless over when or if I will hear from the person again.  I have just been relaxing, watching the videos as well as one of my old favourites Moon Struck.  I feel a lot calmer now.  I don’t know if the price of connection with this person is currently worth the kind of stress it is provoking for me.  Am I meant to be facing these situations from my past in order to heal the recognise the original traum?.  I don’t want to stay stuck there though so after some time of relaxing and surrender I must also take positive steps for self care tomorrow hopefully when the weather is brighter.   For now its just lovely to be able to hand the situation over and relax.

The Antidote to Fear

An excellent post on working with fear.

unfiltered from the heart

When we bury, push against or deny our fears, we ultimately give them more power. Our fears then unconsciously control us, keeping us from peace. That is, until we choose to face our fears. Our willingness to face our fears is the first step.

Fear is held in place by holding our breaths, and contracting when the emotion reads its head; whether we’re gripping the fear, pushing it away or hiding from it.

But everything exposed by the light becomes visible–and everything that is illuminated becomes a light.

~Ephesians 5:13

You see the antidote to fear is light. When we allow the fears to surface, while breathing and allowing the emotions to move through us, we release our fears. To face our fears means to walk into the very places we have avoided, to open sealed doors and allow the emotion to move into the light. It is then that…

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Identifying and working through emotional flashbacks of Complex PTSD

And now for some light relief!