Calm abiding

Kindness bestows upon me an open expanse

And inside this calm

I can finally breathe

Why was it that I thought I must

Respond in panic

To this frenzied

Rush rush hurry up?

Was it all I ever knew before?

Never feeling I could ever be enough

Or be loved

Purely for existing

But now you allow me this

And you are no longer

A force outside of me

But instead

Inside my heart this lovely gentle space

Is finally opening

Where in I feel

This calm allowing

And

Calm abiding

Not meant to be?

Its such a tender thing when someone is really there for you, they do not seem to be asking much of you at all, only to love you and somehow that love they give seems to grow love in you by some kind of magical resonance..

That is how I am feeling tonight.. If Scott is genuine he did try but in the end to put me under so much pressure and not to ever take no for an answer really broke something in my capacity to love him deeply.. I had to risk being totally transparent with Daniel, it was fearful for me, after all his ego may be threatened if I cared for someone else but somehow he is letting me have space to figure it all out and this is a good feeling, it is a kind of allowing of me that I did not seem to find in any other relationship before.

When I listened to channeled videos of Abraham Hicks vibrational matching is mentioned a lot.. The thing spoken of in a lot of what Ester channels involves focusing on your joy in living and being in this moment instead of forcing agendas or even longing for what you want.. Its more a case of knowing what would vibrate well with you, focusing on your own life and allowing that to come. It may not mean you do not put in some effort but that you also allow and keep a positive frame of mind.. This is not something I really know how to do at times, in a family where so much seemed to go wrong so much of the time it always seems like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I was also reading in Beth Aisbet’s book on anxiety today that having a mindset that problems are challenges that can be gently faced and worked through a step at a time is preferable to allowing them to overwhelm us. These two things may seem to contradict each other but its really a case of right effort.. If we have to keep forcing things and encountering blockages every step of the way is the said thing really meant to be? Is it really Gods’ will for us.

Today I was guided to a reading in the Al Anon book Hope For Today which spoke of turning our worry over to God in trust that things can work out and that we do not have to end up taking on inappropriate burdens and end up raising our inner anxiety level..

I am noticing with my sister lately how my anxiety rushes in, last night it came down in a flood at about 2 am I was worried over her capacity and ability to have power and control over her financial affairs in the wake of this shock treatment.. Anyway I shared the concerns with her today but is it really my business? At times I am not sure if I am meant to be protecting her.. I see that perhaps Mum over protected us two girls at times.. she may have tried to make things easier and that may have ended up making them harder for us in the long run..

These days I also know my anxiety will decrease when I take care of my inner child’s needs and do not palm them off or try to take on other’s inner child (need based) stuff. Pulling back from this is still is not easy for me but I am working on it.. And as far as Scott and I go the feeling I am having is that in the end this meeting and being together was just not meant to be in this lifetime.. I do not experience the calm and expansion with him lately that I feel with Daniel and I remember watching a movie lately where the character spoke of the right love she found having this aura of calm and lack of drama around it.. With Scott as I look back there has been WAAAAY TOO MUCH DRAMA, and that is not how I want to be living any more. When he keeps talking of dying it all seems so unfair.. I used to take shit in the past but I am not ready to really take it on anymore.. I do not really think that is what my Higher Power really has planned for my life..

confusing human illusion

Lately I am growing tired of trying

Trying to figure out who is telling the truth with no agenda

And who is lying

(if only to themselves… and does that include me, too?)

Old feelings and memories rise

At this time of year it seems

I have only ever said a thousand goodbyes

Throughout the tangled twisting path

That has formed the course of my life

Now as I seek my roots

There are tough truths I have to face

Perhaps this is a growing time

And often new growth really just requires

The shedding of the old

One of the things I find it so hard to do

Is to let go

To let it be

Allowing my constricted heart to breathe

For as a friend said to me today

We do not cannot fix everything

And finding a way to live with it in peace

Maybe the the only way to find release

And yet we are human and we struggle

With old wounds

So let me just allow this tonight :

I need to rest

I tried my best

You asked too too much

And I had enough

But sadly there is still a part of me that always believes

If only

I try harder

Things will improve

Could this all just really be

Lately proving to be

The most confusing

Of human illusions?

How much should you take from a narcissist : the quandry of foregiveness

Okay so my therapist tells me we are all somewhere on the spectrum of narcissism.. But for me its been life and body damaging to be around this narcissistic emotional neglect shut down in others..

In fact the other day when I got home from the garden center and rushed to plant my plants due to an unnecessary urgency I feel about ‘perfecting’ things the plane of glass on a beloved framed photo shattered into shards after it fell face down, later as implicit memories of trauma started to bleed through I associated that shattering to the laundry window shattering on me and cutting my wrist all the way across thankfully NOT SEVERING THE TENDON when I was about 12 years old.. At the time i was trying to force a window because as a latch key child I had to remember to put the key back on the hook in Dad’s shed in the garage to let myself in to an empty house each day and this day I forgot.. I had to run down to the neighbors in a terrible panic all cut and bleeding and mercifully the older son, Glenn was home and he took me into casualty.. This was about the fifth of several major bodily invasive, threatening and terrorizing traumas..I shared earlier last week about the 3rd degree burns I sustained due to one of Mum’s OCD binges..

Thinking about how distressing this is today and thinking that I did not really matter enough to my parents is hurtful, maybe it is also why I often feel I need to apologize merely for existing and needing anything at all and why I always tend to look at my part in things.. Who was there for me? Who really seemed to care and notice that this kind of treatment was wrong. So I began to turn to substances to dull the pain to feel less alone and when I asked for a dog or a horse it was too much trouble.. I kept on badgering which my therapist says is a good thing and they did get me Sasha but she had an accident and we had to give her away.. more grief, more feelings of guilt for me.

I am really struggling today with the forgiveness aspect of it all.. I think of how little support and nurture my parents got, lately in talks with my sister I have been exploring how hard they worked, really I find it so hard just to relax myself and I have heard it said so many times in AA that those of us coming out of addiction only have two basic modes of being : full go and and dead stop. and that seems to correlate to the two less positive aspects of vagal stress.. hyper-arousal and complete shut down.. I have seen this older sister oscillate between both states but to see her so shut down now and lacking a sense of autonomy and agency at times all seems too much.

I just had a long debrief about all of this with a family friend.. I got out the trauma of how I was treated at the coast.. I could only be happy if I forgot the pain of the damage, if I tried to give it a voice it was through body symptoms and often Mum would say in later years after I got home it was loneliness but it was neglect trauma and abuse and my sister made her choose between us? SO BAD SO WRONG SO PAINFUL.

She remembers none of it now.. my nephew is in charge of finances because she wont step up, I get so scared..what can I do but it was never mine to fix.. still I carry all of the memories my sister cannot.. its such a concern to me.. I also see how I too, struggled with my own autonomy that at times I collapsed into weakness instead of fronting up and that I also, at times carry a lot of anger and fear.

On one level I tried to forgive and be there, I tried to stay connected as maybe what my parents did was unconscious, due to their own shut down they shut down on me.. but what is the truth about forgiveness? At times I get so confused, but then the angels remind me this is an evolutionary collective issue and that to err is human and only to forgive is divine.

Still I am human, I falter at times, I make mistakes, I second guess myself. But I am seeing lately that forgiving too soon before doing the long and complex psychological separation work may be counter productive.

protected?

There are some things

That we instinctively know are just not right

Hurts we struggle with

Violations of a boundary that was meant

To shield our body heart and soul

Keeping us safe and protected

Inside emotional skin

And in this world at times the hidden pain

That makes its presence felt

Tends to lose its true name

And then forces invested in denying the truth

Try to lead us astray

From what our gut knows

From what implicit memory remembers

From what our minds may have blocked

To protect our hearts

When you were a young child

You did not have the power to choose

What happened to you

And even if you were told

This is for your own good

Who really has that right?

For sometimes tormentors just lie

To cover the truth

And sometimes their own inner pain

Is so covered over by defenses of steel

That it no longer becomes a real felt thing

And then it is these tortured souls

Must just enact it vicariously

All the while feeding on the joy

Of seeing the innocent being they were

Projected upon you

Suffer as they did

So no matter how much

They try to cover their tracks

Or turn you against your self

Such abuse

Is not something you ever attracted

Or chose

For it was always

A young child’s right

To be cherished

To be kept safe

To be nurtured

And to be protected

When People Claim Abusers Don’t Know What They’re Doing

A very helpful post.. sometimes being told to forgive is just allowing more damage to keep happening.

Cynthia Bailey-Rug

I once saw a meme that basically said to forgive your parents no matter what they have done to you. They were wounded from their childhood & didn’t know what they were doing to you because of that. It’s up to you to break the cycle.

I’ve noticed this mentality is pretty common, & not always with parents. It can be said with an abusive spouse who was raised watching one parent abuse the other. It also can be said of the mother in-law mistreats her daughter in-law. Her mother in-law wasn’t good to her so clearly she must not know how to be a good mother in-law.

The problem with this is this is nothing more than an excuse. It’s an apologist stand in favor of abusive people. It is so wrong!

While yes, people whose parents abused them may not know how to be a good parent, but…

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Agony

You writhed in agony so many times

But when younger

You were the wild horse

That never could imagine being tamed

And yet somehow you lost the way

To the truth

Of your inner majesty

It can be like this in families

Hungering to be seen

We lose ourselves

And the hidden grief may bury us for years

Underneath the crippling weight

Of a thousand disguises

Lately I have sensed

Forces in our family

Would rather you were dead

They did not know really

The depths of your suffering

I saw it

I even swallowed it into myself

In the end I could not save you

So when your spirit finally flew free

Of this earthly body

Part of me celebrated

While another part grieved

I still grieve for you

But there was nothing else to do

Except to witness it

And now I just pray

You finally are

Free to fly

And that the lessons

That your painful life taught me

Will never ever be

In vain

Breaking free of damage : some reflections

Everything is burning, as the Buddha taught, and to cling to.our outdated pictures of reality only breeds great sorrow.

Jeff Foster

It can take time to undo illusions and see a path of loving truth open where once before there was only pain, resentment, hurt, fear, ignorance and misunderstanding. Reading recent posts about parental damage and unkindness passed down on other blogs lately has bought it home to me how much so many of our parents were brutalized, especially those generations coming out of two World Wars as well as the depression.

To be born a sensitive person in this kind of emotionally wounded world is a challenge. In her new book Sensitive Is the New Strong Anita Moorjani speaks at depth on this issue. She recalls how she had to shut her own innate inner knowing and feelings as well as her connection with other worlds, reading it bought back to me the story Lorna Byrne tells in her autobiography of talking with and seeing angels Angels In My Hair. Both women were bullied at school but both heard inner protectors setting them straight that such treatment was most clearly about the wound in the bullies.

Also I am sure if you were part of a Western religion and spoke of seeing angels or having direct communion with God it would have been seen as blasphemy but why not maintain that kind of inner connection as well as keeping fast to the Universal notion of safety and protection as well as the idea of being fully accepted and beloved JUST AS WE ARE INNATELY!

This issue of safety and of having it or not having its development supported within us growing up is something Pete Walker also talks about in his book on Complex PTSD. In the final chapters he speaks of the process of healing from Complex PTSD that he has undergone and witnessed his clients undergo.. He mentions the levels of grief so many of us have to go through as what we are working on healing now is also ancestral He speaks of having to grieve the loss of feelings of safety that would allow us to feel strong enough inside so we felt okay expressing and being our full selves in the world. Because so many of us did not get to develop these our lives grew smaller, we may have missed opportunities to connect or work on developing our gifts.. We may have feared branching out. We may have shut down connecting inwardly and outwardly completely.

In the movie Finding Joe I shared yesterday one of the speakers talked of us growing up thinking we are sheep when really we are tigers, the world would like to turn us into sheep (no insult to sheep here as they have their place) but often it seems the world would rather we dumb down true feelings and inner light or reality as well as our unique God given individuality. And if a child is punished due to that toxic idea that babies or young kids are full of original sin what kind of twisted up message does that give? Taking back the knowing of who we are and reaching to express that is important.

John Bradshaw talks a lot about that issue in his book Healing The Shame That Binds You. In later books he helps us to connect to the inner child and see where feelings of safety, trust, connection and autonomy possibly got severed or wounded in us. Being able to be vulnerable is also something Brene Brown has written on and researched widely…

When we get hurt it can be so hard to throw it off.. For me the brutalizing and shut down lead to a head injury which I have been working for the past 8 years of this blog to come to terms with.. Lately trying to give the love back I miss has been good, but also a challenge at times.. Yet lately I can honestly say self love is something I am feeling.. I actually even allowed myself to sleep in until 10.30 today, that is not something I have allowed myself to do for years

Sadly today I also had to choose to say goodbye to Scott. This hurts and will keep hurting but I tried and tried to help to the point I was totally emptied out.. I have made a new connection and it is a lot more nurturing, more respectful of my boundaries.. I feel the guilt in putting my own needs first but only because that is a new experience for me.. I feared abandonment most of my life and SO THAT PATTERN REPLAYED. IN TRUTH I WAS SO OFTEN ABANDONING MYSELF and I suffered from and struggled so painfully with low self worth.. Sharing with my sister I see she struggled too.. So I looked to role models who did not know really how to love themselves, let alone me..

In Al Anon we say its never to late to give ourselves as well as our inner child the things we needed.. We can remind ourselves we are safe, that is okay to be less busy, stressed and anxious.. We can practice slowing down, being still, connecting to spirit, love, angelic presences and nature..Or practice being energetic, spontaneous and playful too.. We can encourage instead of put fear messages into us.. We can learn to step away from damage allowing ourselves to fully know and experience the pain and loss and damage of it, while also after a time of repairing rage, anger or hurt no longer let it tie us up in knots.. We can learn where our bliss lives and where we feel most deeply attuned and do more of those things.

We also do not need to buy into the paralysing fear voices in our culture.. to me it seems, lately, that most of our new media thrives on this, but we always have the choice to unplug.. Moorjani makes the point that for sensitives we also have to watch what we expose our nervous systems to, we naturally vibrate with what is close to us, so if we want to raise our vibration we must be around vibrations that calm and do not damage or injure. This does not mean we deny darker emotions or experiences but that we do not have to fixate on them endlessly.. We can allow them a passage way through our beings, hearts, minds and souls, we can pray for the assistance to release them. We can also pray to be shown our highest good and we can understand too that we are always connected deeply..to a force of love light and safety that truly wants the very very best for us and will help us, if we allow it to guide us into new and more positive new directions,

Wild wind

There was a wild wind in your hair

As you tripped the light fantastic

And danced without a care

Feeling the spirit of joy move through you

Impossible to think of the days

The petrifying gaze

Of the witch

Froze you

But was it even that

Why project the fear of God into you

Like a poison arrow

For if God is dreaming then surely

She dreamt you and I

In all of our perfection

Into existence

So how could anything the creator made

Be the birthplace of sin and ruin?

Strange to think of the way this darkness

Weighted down so heavily

The souls of butterflies

And yet

Even as we retreated into these cocoons

The urgent song of our soul could not be

Completely silenced

Our hidden fire

Associated with shame

Extinguished

So dance now

Women of gold

And let your wild imagination dream

Feel the fire move through you

And never ever again allow your body and soul

To become a slave

Shackled by fear