Blockages to deeply loving in an imperfect world.. some thoughts

Sometimes I worry I have intellectual blockages against really loving.. Lately I see that maybe I don’t see the underlying truth of things, I find it hard to trust and show compassion and not think of someone being out to get me in some way, its probably a very very subtle Moon Saturn Chiron Pluto issue (due a lot to my own past trauma and hurt) and I notice it more and more as I continue to try to connect with my sister and brother..

It was actually really lovely to have a phone chat with my sister this evening.. I will go and visit her on Sunday.. I thought today of how she witnessed those three traumas in 6 years from the outside, my near death and smash up inn 1979, Judy’s collapse and psychosis 1980 – 1983 and Dad’s death in 1985. It was so much to live through and her husband’s family had their share of death and tragedies as well. My sister stood by to support his family even when my brother in law ran away to Vietnam and one brother and one sister in law were sick with and eventually died of cancer.

I was sharing with my sis today how summer always reminds me of the three months I spent in hospital following the crash, Sept to Dec and I was so smashed up it was not possible from the head trauma to have my hair washed for weeks, my tongue was half cut, I lost a lot of teeth and when it was time for my hair to be washed my sister came and did it for me.. See I don’t remember those acts of kindness only the way I felt sidelined later..

I keep thinking alot this week about self centredness. We all see life from the vantage point of our own particular perspective and then can feel upset things did not go the way our ego would have liked, but the truth is that perhaps life had other plans and they may have been hard plans full of suffering, injury and loss but how to rise from the ashes of those to find the positive and not keep blaming or turn against our fellow man who also struggled?

Lately I think of the times I didn’t show gratitude maybe due to the fact past hurt eclipsed my ability to see what jewels still remained littered among the wreckage of all my family trauma, also perhaps all of that shattering and loss at times made me want to push away closeness.. Kat tells me all the time I needed my anger to survive, but its healing lately to be able to let go of a lot of it.

I think of the splits that came when my sister in law decided due to my older sister’s damage she would not let her daughter too close to Judy, I do feel that was sad for Jen and it was sad for Judy’s kids too who don’t really have an open loving relationship with their cousins.. And I see how they too often subtly judge or distance from each other due to externals or perhaps due to a little bit of jealousy (understandable) over having had a tougher ride.

Anyway this is just a reflective post and a take on trying to end the sense of subtle separation I sometimes feel from loved ones and members of my own family. Sometimes it can be hard to see they lived a different life and we may long for a deeper connection with siblings or family members than is realistically possibly. But is there a chance too, that in some way we can accept they are where they need to be too and that it is not us writing the script and being able to organise the ‘movie’ of life just as we wish it could be? Can we also embrace the mystery of it all? These are just some emerging thoughts pre-occupying my mind lately, as Mercury hits the later degrees of Scorpio followed a bit of a way back by Venus.. the Sun in Sag may also be lending a bit more of an expansive perspective on things for me now as it squares my Chiron Pluto opposition from Pisces to Virgo.

Problems with my hearing and some music for a happy Friday.

Life has been hard living with a denture for a few years now and earlier in the year I had to sacrifice another tooth… Due to Covid shutting things down soon after I never got my check up and I need a replacement denture to cover the gap left for the missing tooth, but expenses preclude this right now. Following the head injury of 2005 I got whacked and spun so I have spins up to a few times a day.. I have not had them today at all though. I woke early at 4.30 and didn’t get back to sleep but I forced myself to rest in bed for an hour before eating and going for a walk. I went out again and didn’t get the coming home spins which is great, but I am noticing I am not hearing well right now.. Its like I have water in my ears and its adding to a sense of dissociation, almost feels like things are a long way off or that I am under water.. .. Anyway its all fine, really the warming summer afternoons are pleasant… and I am still able to listen to my music.

I just wanted to share some music, though.. I must have lived under a rock for a while musically speaking, being a child of the 60s I was raised on music by the Carpenters, Elton John and Credence Clearwater Revival, discovering people like Taylor Swift is new for me but I just wanted to share two tracks that bring me a lot of joy.. I love music, it helps me so much, honestly would have been lost without it as a child on those lonely afternoons I came home to an empty house and used to listen to a lot of Elton John, I will also share one track I heard again last night of his I haven’t heard in years, maybe it will be new to you..

Wishing everyone a happy Friday, where-ever you are in the world.. I hope today you find something that brings you joy, too.

being human

No one has the monopoly

On being human

None of us get through this life

Without scars

And there is a tale to tell

That so often lays wrapped up inside

A person’s body mind and heart

And may only start to make its presence felt

With something else within someone

Begins to fall apart

Lately I thank God for the revelation

Of how crazy it is for me to

Strive for perfection

When every thing that exists

Has some kind of flaw

And lately

I am learning to love more

The crooked crazy places

That show themselves

While I learn to laugh at my own

Imperfections

And realise how often

I also misjudge

The truth that lives

Locked up

Inside another human being’s

Heart

Thomas Moore : on clearing space for soul during a dark night

It helps to clear out the theories and dogmas you picked up from your family, school. and religious upbringing. To be an independent and mature adult, you may have to dump all kinds of things that get in the way. Then your thoughts and judgments become leaner and clearer. You realize that much of what has preoccupied you is not essential. You can live happily and sensuously in this rich and promising world without getting caught up in many of its dehumanizing values and empty distractions.

“It has occurred to me (that) perhaps what we call depression isn’t really a disorder at all but, like physical pain, an alarm of sorts, alerting us to something that is undoubtedly wrong; that perhaps it is time to stop, take a time out, take as long as it takes, and attend to the unaddressed business of filling our souls.” (this quote is from writer, Lee Stringer.)

Here is a key idea : stop thinking of your dark nights as problems and begin to see them as opportunities for change.

A spiritual existence requires constant cleansing; because the spirit by nature is less involved in day to day issues and more focused on the core, the universal, the eternal. The soul should be stuffed with issues and relationships, and even problems, but it needs a degree of regular thinning, a process that can be a fruit of the dark night.

Thomas Moore

grateful receptivity

Light on the water dances

as the flow of life energy

meanders slowly along

following a downward stream

we sit hip to hip

in soft grass

the breath of peace so close to us

solitude opening our connection

to bliss

love dances in these spaces

opening

between moments of pure presence

all that we need is given

and when wanting

is still

grateful receptivity

opens our hearts

naturally

to abundance

Away from you : my soul is free

Away from you

I am carried by a wild tide dreaming

that reveals to me

the hidden face of stars

The further I travel from the crowd

the more I find myself at home

Held here

so deeply comforted within the mystery

cradled gently in the palm

of the great unknown

so familiar my soul

Here in my chosen distance

there no longer live

feelings of betrayal

or angry resistance

for life is life

and souls are souls

Heaven knows we cannot chose to be

other than we are

destined

without enduring the absolute worst

of suffering

And so it is

slowly I choose my place

as I turn my face

towards my hearts desire

I know the world will wait for me

but for now it is so important

that my soul is free

Bedrock

When my life shattered

splintered fragments littered

a wide horizon

as darkness fell

within a storm

and my being dropped

into the void

poetry could not tell

the depths of it

and yet still

I try to give it words

at that time

your love was the bedrock

of my life

this love of yours

was not a human love

in its entirety it was celestial

granting me a capacity for suffering

such as would exile me

from my people

this is both the wound

and the scar

but its smarting

contains the healing medicine

essential

to my soul

for even as humans depart

ignore

dismiss

and disdain

you remain

and your surest foundation

gives me faith

to endure

every possible pain

for you

unconditional love

are my bedrock

to love this way

Your soft heart took such a crushing blow

when she let you know

the door had closed upon her own.

There you stood

upon dry land

as the ocean of her loving promise

receded

never to return

Nights became a crushing kind of agony

full of those memories

of all the times you saw her smile

as your kisses

covered her flesh

lighting up the stars

that shone

in her eyes

Now

at times

the darkness

seems completely unbearable

as you wrap the covers

around

no one to witness your tears

but the angels

No one to soothe

your fears

that you may never ever find the heart

to love this way

again.

Things will not stay this way for ever : today’s reflections

One of the most negative aspects of trauma, especially attachment trauma or intense violations is that we remain trapped in that place for a very long time, some of us arrested at an earlier phase of development.. It has taken me quite a lot of work in therapy to see where my own developmental arrests lay, and even now I look back at ways I reacted or stayed trapped in situations and see the potential was there to react in another way, but not the possibility due to my own trauma and the deep and painful legacy of attachment trauma.

It is so interesting to wake up and have a memory flood your consciousness to the point that it feels you are quite literally back there. I believe Echardt Tolle even says that the Now contains both past and future. This morning I was taken back to the time just after my ex husband and I met when he first came to visit me in Sydney.. We met on a weekend when he was visiting from the South Coast where he was working on a landscaping site with a friend. He then decided to come back to visit me two weeks later. I vividly remembered this morning going down the long escalator leading to the station platform to greet his train..

This was such a pivotal time in many ways and I do feel for my ex husband lately as I see that meeting him before I got sober and had done any emotional recovery work was hard on him. He went through a lot with me getting sober a few months after we married. I also went through a lot moving back to the UK with him in 1999. There were a host of family issues, especially between he and his mother and his family didn’t like the fact I was sober, they thought I was dampening down their son or brother’s ‘fun.’ It never bothered me that Jonathan drank, he didn’t have a problem with alcohol and I was happy for him to see his mates and go out for a few drinks, but I guess the rub came when my emotions began to emerge of grief for my Dad and so many other things, as Jonathan also lost his father around the same age as me, he was also left by a partner shortly after and traveled overseas but luckily made friends with a young family there and they gave him some support.. For me it was my God parents who tried to support me when I returned from overseas and was a bit of a mess really, having not dealt with anything and still drinking at that stage. (1987 – 1993).

I look back now and accept the way things unfolded. We do not always grow together when we choose to get married.. I aborted a pregnancy at one year sober and that hurt my husband.. I feared passing down wounds to a child or having a child who ended up with parents who separated.. I also knew I had so much inner work to do, even at that early stage of sobriety.

Jonathan and I had our two years of freedom overseas from 1999 to 2001, then the trauma with my older sister brought me home but i could not face living in my home town so I stayed away at the coast then went back to the UK to do 6 months of therapy leaving him all alone.. he then went back for a holiday in 2004 and rang me to say he had decided to leave me.. He wasnt planning on coming back but there was so much to sort. I remember just after this phone call I had a mouse in the house and had to trap it, sadly I killed it and buried it in the rose garden but this is exactly the same thing that happened just after my father died in 1985. I remember crying over the mouse as the deepest pit of anxiety opened up over being left again. This was the opening into the most consciously painful time of my life which reached from 2004 until 2017.

I am so glad all of that pain is in the past now. I am getting to be comfortable on my own lately. I have even given up on the idea of Scott and I meeting, he is still determined its going to happen but I have been at the end of help for some time now… and my feelings have changed in terms of seeking that strong solid masculine outside of me.. I see now that he came to help me sort out a lot of unresolved boundary stuff and emotional wounds. This was even shown with his strong Uranian ‘signature’ – Sun Mars and Venus conjunct Uranus in the late degrees of Libra sextile my natal first house Uranus in Leo as I underwent the Uranus square to natal Mars Saturn Moon. It was on another square to these planets that my husband went overseas in 1999. My therapist told me a while back that even if I had to give a lot of money to learn the lessons with Scott it would be money well spent. Scott is still swearing my money will be returned when he finally gets free and can verify his own account that got frozen early in 2018. Its all out of my hand at this point.. The only life I am interested in saving right now is my own. I am at the end of an old pattern and my toxic guilt is vaporising.

I draw my comfort a lot from silence lately. I am loving solitude.. Jazzie and I just got back from a gorgeous Peace Park walk. I saw the family of swans with 4 baby cygnets and they are fluffy and growing a little more each day.. The swam so close to us and I fed them some grass. We then walked on and watched a couple doing some Tai Chi moves… then went and got our morning coffee which we had sitting by the river back in another park. I the came home to do my wriitng. I am loving this routine I am establishing and in many ways over the past weeks of Mars moving forward again I am feeling free.

My life feels enough even with all the past pain and loss, those endings were not the end of everything, although when we go through the dark path of loss it can feel as though everything is taken. However, along with Thomas Moore I believe the dark night of the soul also is a profound time of gestation as well where husks are breaking open as need seeds are released even if we cannot see them. And the amount of psychological and deep spiritual work that can open up with retrogression may take many years to bear fruit.

I was thinking a lot of Carl Jung in the park today.. When he had a similar transit of Neptune to his Sun Neptune square (which I also had from early 2000 onward) he had a long time of breakdown too. He retreated and began to connect with his inner child as well as work with stone and other substances to build, as well as having so many powerful dreams that were pivotal to the development of so many of his ideas about the personal conscious and collective unconscious.. He also had to have conflict with and break from Freud whose ideas were so different to his own during that time and it seemed to send him a little ‘mad’.. into what medical intuitive and spiritual teacher Caroline Myss calls spiritual madness..

I was drawn to Jung during my early 20s and I can understand why now. One thing he said is that before the age of 40 we are only doing research. The later years in life he saw as a time of meaning making.. echoing the thoughts of the romantic poet Keats who saw this world as a place of soul making, Keats died very young but I love the idea of the soul journey and its power and it is an individual journey for so many of us. For mine, ancestral connections have played a huge part where as for others they may not even figure..

Kat talks to me a lot about breaking out of a family ‘capsule’, We are not all psychologically born by 30 years of age, for many of us it takes far longer.. Kat says of my sister she has not yet managed to break out of the old family system and its roles… I now know it was perfectly natural to have felt such of a ‘misfit’, not only in my family, but amongst my peers.. I was still being shamed by old school friends in 2013 when I first got back home for only being ‘half alive’ and full of anger.. Then one of them apologised recognising she had never had half of the trauma I endured.. I have been on the receiving end of this kind of thing so often now.. But I won’t let it take me down any more. I know who I am and what I have endured, it truly may have broken a weaker person, and my gifts are inner gifts, I am still working out how to unpack some of them. I will continue to fight the shaming and stimatising of so called ‘mental illness’ which I actually see as an individuation struggle as well as a form of spiritual emergence, a term coined a while back by Stansilav and Christina Groff. We are emerging out of old systems and that requires a kind of breaking down, apart and open… It also involves the embracing of transpersonal forces while learning how to ground ever more deeply into our true spirit on earth, embodying it in a real and authentic way.. This is what Mars in Aries is now demanding as it moves ever closer into square with Pluto in Capricorn. Capricorn has to be real and often the mountain goat becomes a scapegoat and has to walk alone or climb a big rocky mountain. Sometimes the price of knowing ourselves involves a profound and shattering break with the collective conditioning that still is functioning in this world to keep so many in a trance. But nature and spiritual emergence are calling and the power of this call cannot be denied in the lives of so many of us.

An empath’s prayer

God please keep my heart safe

And at peace

Free of the undue burden

Of other people’s pains, needs and problems

Help me to find security

In self care

And to know that setting boundaries

Does not make me selfish

Help me to understand the limits of what I can give

And protect me in those moments

When anxiety comes

Because I am taking on too much

Or I am overwhelmed by the feelings of others

Lead me to the quiet natural places

Where I can find my rest in you

And feel my deepest connection to spirit

Help me to let go of what is not mine to carry

And to feel the joy that comes

From feeling firmly grounded

In the depths of my own spirit.