Unbound

Unbind your sorrow

Face towards tomorrow

Contain the pain of yesterday

Let it open your heart

And free your mind in every way

Be present in the now to

What is!

Know the Universe supports you

Is always longing for you to

Feel

Learn

Reveal

Let Go

Find the wisdom and love

In grief and sorrow

Allowing it to expand you completely

Love, open, and begin anew

Every day

Rise to the precious challenge

Of being alive

And don’t forget

To breathe

This is where I sense God

In AA I first heard the following acronym for God ;

Great

Out

Doors

Really feeling divine energies close today..angel’s presence on breath of light wind, song of love in surrounding bird calls..Isn’t nature magnificent?

Suffering the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune

Today I listened to a very enlightening talk by Gabor Mate on anger and its relationship to attachment trauma and the immune system.. This post comes from May 5 years ago when I was undergoing 5 weeks of radiation therapy for breast cancer.. It relates to the link between anger, disappointment and grief which has been such an ongoing theme and is of interest to me as Mars in Cancer moves into my 12th house today.. This relates to the buried subconscious dynamics with strong ancestral roots. The breasts also relate to Cancer and emotional nourishment.

Emerging From The Dark Night

A few days ago in my blog My Bleeding Heart I shared the dream image I had of my Inner Child with a wire hanger sewn through her shoulder and breast with barbed wire.  Today by a chain of synchronicity I was led to a video of Spartan Life Coach https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4l8ZP3zDu7k in which Richard Gannon speaks of the barbs of guilt, shame, self hate, ignorance and perfectionism that are hooked into us during a childhood in which parents and other caregivers unconsciously transferred their shame onto us.

Thinking about it I was drawn to the realisation that it was not my parents who were the prime offenders, but my Catholic education which focused on the idea of original sin and conditioned us young ones to believe that lashing out in self protection or getting angry and making any kind of self assertive stand against what hurt us was some kind of sin.  I also…

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The soul’s essential need for quiet time

A older post I wrote some years ago about finding the silent spaces within where we can more easily connect to our soul.

Emerging From The Dark Night

If we wish to live in a deeper more connected way, it is really important for us to have quiet time, places and spaces of peaceful reflection in which we can draw closer to our soul.  For the introverted amongst us this sort of free and open time where we are unencumbered by the needs and demands of others or removed from the fast pace and ongoing bombardment of daily life is as essential to our souls as air.

Extroverts often have a really hard time understanding this need in my experience.  My last partner actually accused me of being agrophobic at one stage as he didn’t understand my introverted ways.  He was always wanting to pull me out into the world and into his ideas of what was good for me, and it is true that at the time I met him I had not long ago gone through…

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our magnificence

We should trust and believe

We are Godly creations

Not destined for insignificance or misery

But containing hearts and souls

Within which are written

A thousand untold mysteries

There is a place within where we can recognize

Our truer nature

As sunlight sparkling on water

No longer just a black moon

Drowning out the radiance

Of our inner Sun

There are lies we get told

When the world tries to carve us into

Narrow objects of wood

When the forces that be

Do not allow us to breathe

But there is an inward turning

That is summoned up by pain

That if we will truly hear and follow it

Will help us to reclaim

Those truths

Far too long ago forgotten

Or forsaken

Allow being to birth

Your inner joy

Do not continue to numb your vibrancy for anyone

For you are a being

Divinely fashioned

Both magical

And magnificent

And even when your glistening Sun

Falls back into that dark ocean

Of suffering

Somewhere deep inside of you

That majestic fire

Still remains

True to creation’s flame

Breathe your love and healing over it

Allow it to rise and live again.

Heavy weather

Sometimes heavy squalls

Besiege my mind

As thunderous anger rages

Rattling the bars of these inner cages

My soul cries out like a hurting lion

Too long confined with a thorn inside its paw

Longing for the freedom of open plains descends

And my dreams become dreams of

Restlessness and running

As angels hover all around me

Urging flight

Oh the freedom of coming to gaze

Upon it all with elevated sight

To recognise a part of me is free

Can live outside these old trances

And worn out dances

Can be centred within the eternal self

As I become the GODDESS

Gazing upon the hurting child

And through that love

Help her to recognise

And reconcile

All that made her lose the way

To her Self

What words are we speaking?

Words do have power. Words of love spoken to water help that water to change vibration and the words spoken to and about us can set up vibrations too, can become spells or incantations that shape our perceptions and beliefs. I know for myself it helps to vocalise the pain when I am truly hurting because it needs to be expelled and made sense of. It’s often best to take this kind of rage to our Higher Power or a therapist. If we once were victims who had no voice or struggled to be heard there may be a chance the intensity of it won’t be understood by many, although The Course in Miracles does say that all attack or hurt is a cry for love.

Today words of love and blessing were sent to me despite the fact I was so angry with this person this week..it heals my heart to know my pain was understood but I see with some clarity I have not always understood others attacks as being about their own pain and answered lovingly.

The energies and words we surround ourselves with on the healing pathway are so important. As a tranatized person I see I’ve been drawn to dark things, dark energies and hurting people Some of these people were not good for me and its taken a lot of recovery to see it. Many were so hurt they shunned human contact and aid or maybe their inner scars and wounds ran so deep it was difficult to find others who could understand. These days I prefer not witnessing dark traumatizing shows and people. There is a saying..misery loves company and our deep.pain does need validation but are we perpetuating it and projecting it is the question? That said I still stay close to hurting people if I think showing love may help in some humble way and deeply aappreciate it when people who truly love me in action do so for me too

It takes a lot of work to recognise a trigger and make a conscious choice to respond differently or take a compulsive or habitual reaction to God or spirit. Who knows if this person or situation is not being given to us for learning. For example in 12 Step recovery when we pray for help with unproductive habits or reaction patterns we may find we get sent certain situations or people to work things out. Giving ourselves encouragement, looking for the good or seeds of wisdom in the difficult helps..we can pray for the strength to forebear or find our voice and power to speak in a loving heloful or insightful way. “When you did that I felt hurt disappointed and upset.” Those reactions are ours and we can investigate them. If we get repeatedly hurt we can walk away. We can also speak lovingly to our vulnerable self using words of love rather than criticism, denigration and attack. See what happens when we do..witness the power of words and also remember to offer others similar encouragement..it truly will make our days all the brighter. Everyone out there longs to be seen but not all behaviours are empowering. Wisdom helps us recognise the difference.

Ache

My heart aches for a world

In which this kind of violence can occur

The tender vulnerable body heart and soul

Of a girl

Overpowered

Penetrated

And destroyed

Its hard to even bear the feelings of the pain

You must have endured at his hands

And to feel the chocking in your throat

As that threat of power

Overtook, your innocence

Shattering you on so many levels

How deeply alone you must have felt

How violated at the core

And yet somehow you found the voice to speak

And justice was finally served

But what of the soul inside the one who was

So utterly corrupted

Such an act of violence

Felt like nothing

Of no importance at all?

Impossible really to understand

The how

The why

The abysmal

Devastation of this

Men overpowering

Hurting

Wounding

And utterly devaluing

Vulnerable woman

The problem of anger

Anger can be a problematic emotion for some of us..Anger can at times hide other feelings such as disappointment and that may have some sadness or grief in it. Something we wanted or longed for from another is not forthcoming, we may be judged unfairly due to the persons own emotional needs, wounds or biases and if we do not have a strong capacity to sort all of this out using our reasoning mind or using what is known as a ‘theory of mind’ about where others may be coming from anger can become problematic..

For some of us disappointment and anger may lead to emotional cut off.. We may lack other tools, skills or resources to deal with our pent up emotions that may have a strong historical component. Cutting contact or using the silent treatment may be the only way we feel we can make an impact or at least take back some kind of control in a situation in which we have no control or if we feel unsafe (whether we in actual fact are or were only triggered) it may feel life preserving.

I was listening to part of a talk Gabor Mate gave today on identifying dealing with emotions like frustration, anger, sadness and disappointment being triggered.. It is mature to realize that not all of our needs will be met by others or even only by ourselves and when needs gets frustrated explore what deeper emotions due to past hurt may be being triggered.. Emotional avoidants may also try to convince ourselves we can do it all alone but this can be kind of anti-dependency rather than a healthy inter personal dependency and block us from expressing vulnerabilities that may actually end up drawing others closer to us.

With Mars in Cancer lately I have been feeling a lot of emotionally based anger. Last night Scott accused me of withholding something from him when I really was setting a boundary around what I felt comfortable and uncomfortable in sharing.. I got attacked over it and I got inwardly angry.. I shut down contact for half an hour to go within and then expressed my distress.. I asked God who told me that it is okay in some relationships to keep certain information to yourself, its not a matter of lying.. It is something my therapist told me recently that a sign of healing for some of us neglected inner children is to learn we do not HAVE TO SHARE OR TELL EVERYONE (OR ANYONE) EVERYTHING..

I know I am a bit too open at times.. I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve and at times I am learning when there is time for discretion. Still the amount of anger triggered last night was huge and its not just down to this one event, it down to what I have given and given to this guy for a long long time and to the fact I now feel a little trapped due to the circumstances and I am angry about it.. Luckily he heard me out and said he understood.. It obviously hit a sore spot for him too, seeing he we lied to by his ex wife who had an affair, so truth and open sharing and trust are very important to him. But he sometimes forget we have not met yet and he cannot expect me at this stage of our relationship to be sharing everything…

I look back with despair at times about how badly anger and assertion or protest was handled in my family. I think of the illnesses I developed in being too enmeshed and being unable to voice what was really going on underneath the ways I reacted and lashed out.. In the early years of sobriety as I began to need to explore so many areas of grief and blocked emotional repression it became difficult. I sought outside therapy in 1999 but there is still a lot of masses of undifferentiated feelings that only appear on a somatic llevel for me at times and at times I fear my own body symptoms, its only lately I can know anger is triggered by the way my body is clenching, tightening or shock/startling..

Cancer rules the mother and inner child too so issues of nurturing attunement as well as the lack of it may be being triggered for many of us right now.. It is only going to be building in intensity as Mars approaches both the square to Chiron in Aries and the opposition to Pluto in Capricorn.. If Mars in Cancer polarises with Pluto in Capricorn some of us may meet the emotionally critical ‘police’ or parent out there during this time.. We may get old wounds deeply triggered.. Chiron in Aries at the moment shows we are all working out wounding in identity and action due to old patterns too.. Maybe its behind why I have been feeling so highly charged lately.. Last night was bloody intense.. I kicked the wall I was so angry, but I at least got to express it and it got heard.. So I thank God for that because as soon as Scott said he understood my body immediately calmed and relaxed..I even had a huge cuddle with my dog Jasper this morning crying over so many times in my childhood I was hit, hurt or isolated when distressed.. So little empathy was shown to me for feeling that I never learned how to give it myself, like a lot of us emotionally neglected..but it truly is never too late to learn how..

Seek not to belong?

The desire to belong and be liked and accepted for who we really are can run deep in many of us. If as young ones we found no sense of acceptance and belonging with other humans it can be painful and yet staying true to who we really are and the soul calling we feel is so important. When we sacrifice this hoping to belong it ends badly. And trying even harder to be loved,validated and acceptance by those who don’t, can’t and won’t only ends up in sadness, bitterness or resentment for many of us.

Its clearer and clearer to me as J age the places I gave myself away and how being emotionally enmeshed with hurtful.others even led to illness. Reading a book on the spiritual power of empathy last night the writer spoke if how some of us highly sensitive people can even take on allergies, ailments as well as illnesses of others we are close to, especially family members.. Lately, I am of the firm belief that this happened when I got cancer in exactly the same breast as my sister 3 months later. It was she who pressured me to go for the test and I ended up having to do radiotherapy I honestly wish I had refused. I am not a fan of the medical model especially now having done so much therapy and seen how deeply embodied emotions and attunements to others can become in the body. Sharing in therapy about some of my attachment woundings with siblings that part of my breast where i had the surgery really began to sting.. And it came hot on the heels of being emotionally abandoned by an avoidant past partner in my last relationship which ended in 2011.

This New Moon has shone a strong light on all of this since last night. I’m so empathic I’ve helped at times to the point I’ve emptied myself out and then even sucked up shitty treatment as well as so much misjudgement and misunderstanding, it burns. The energy of others affects me vibrational and I am best in my own vortex or grounding in nature. When I get into my mind and thinking alone (not the quiet contemplation of meditation which is a different kind of way of attuning to inner guidance) I can tend to get a bit spun out.. That said inner guidance is always available to all of us.

I do tend to read a lot and sometimes I put other ‘teachers’ on pedestals.. I had a lovely comment today on recent post where the person said to trust my own reading of things rather than that of those who lecture on teachings like biblical ones.. It was good advice.. The sad thing is though, that if, as a child, you were consistently told you had no idea and could not trust your inner self, in time we do tend to turn against that part of ourselves, then we can look to belong or surrender our own sense of truth and inner knowing.. When we do this it never ends well.

Perhaps one of the reasons as a young child and adolescent I began to identify with Jesus so much was that in his story I saw someone who also worked hard to stay true to his own inner knowing.. To be honest I always hated catholic church and church services, to my mind if Jesus was to teach anywhere it was out in nature or amongst other human beings.. For me nature is my ‘church’ and it is where I feel most receptive to the word of angels, higher power and God. I got some lovely little angel cards from the bookshop yesterday and one of them spoke of angels speaking to us on the wind.. I often feel that lately and the truth is I often feel I most belong when I am on my own.. That said going to that concert with friends the other night I had a growing feeling I belonged with them too.. I just noticed I get so emotional and they rarely seem to, and that, at times, can make me feel like a bit of an outsider.. And yet.. Am I? And if I am does it really matter? After all the one who created me and everything else sees, knows, loves and understands me so when humans fail it is to that source I am best to look for my validation, comfort and healing as well as a sense of belonging.

My therapist often comments that in my life, having known so many times I was rejected or left alone its no wonder that I do have this belonging wound.. At times I question if it leads me to a counter-dependency.. I have also endured a lot of loss so I am aware that no relationship always lasts on the earthly plane and yet even the relationship with lost loved ones goes on, even past partners who left, because it was time, still remain a very very important part of my soul and spiritual journey.