I touched a deep place with my inner child a moment ago. The tears are still on my cheeks and I felt my mother’s wound too as I was processing my feelings. I watched the movie Wild last night it scared me to watch it earlier due to the deep pain Cheryl goes through but it echoed so much for me too. I thought of how alone she was with her grief in the wilderness walk for 3 or more months processin her memories, her past and the loss of her mother. The scene in which she and her brother get to the hospital only to find their mother dead tore at me. And her pain and struggle to contain it really resonated.
The final things she says in the movie resonated too. She asks the question. “What if I forgive myself?” As she reminds herself that every single painful experience has taught her something…even her addiction to random sex and heroin.
I thought of and cried more for my Mum last night. I understood today how lonely she was as a child. I am glad she found the love of my father but they were not affectionate parents like Cheryl’s Mum and it wasnt their fault they never got any affection and both lost their fathers in youth, but they tried their very best to be good parents often failing me in many ways.
One thing ill say though…even though she could not support me in my deep feeling work Mum always supported us girls in other ways and I am grateful for that. I wasnt tied up or abused only ignored as a child and left alone too much but that said even those experiences made me who I am a deeper soulful person but one who struggled to be, find my place, express and do in the world.
The wound in our family was one of relationship and hidden grief. My own unprocessed confusion and grief has run me for many many years as well as my challenges with containing difficult feelings…I am not alone in this, thank God but for a long time it seemed I was 12 step work and groups have helped, writing and therapy too, as has blogging and connecting to my truth and expressing it here.
I could really feel the full reality of Cheryl’s pain in the movie last night. It was hard to watch it through as certain scenes were things I also went through. When she was knee deep in snow and fording rivers I thought of what profound metaphors these were for the deeper spiritual and emotional work of soul retrieval. In the end she even questions the reality of ‘redemption’ instead she seems to go through a deepening and acceptance process that is deeply spiritual in its nature. The flashback scenes interspersed with her present really echoed my own process of healing. Today I could cry for it all while asking Mums forgiveness for certain things and feeling the forgiveness she also needed for things so far out of her control. I could feel the love that always cries out from deep inside asking us to dig deeper and expand wider to contain and bear the wounds we carry deep inside.
My Mind was numb and battle torn, I gave you everything you wanted more, but more is not enough, when you don’t know what you’re searching for..
What about life, what about risk, what about the pain in my heart that it won’t fix, find a place in my mind where it don’t exist, and it won’t be missed, we’re all searching for this, looking for a life inside of me, another chance at the same old could of been, mistakes were made, I had to change, who else to blame, I can’t stay the same. Eyes closed looking down at another me, a far cry from the place I want to be, but if you fear the edge you don’t get close, I’ve held the deepest secrets inside of me, is there a place I can call my own, is there a place where I belong, is there a…
As far as anger is concerned I am realising how often we demonise those who express it rather than listen so deeply to what is going on. My therapist always tells me that NO!! is the cry of the true self. The real in us rebels against what is not right. Somewhere deep down we know what we need but killing forces can often rupture these instincts in us. And idealism and perfectionism often don’t allow for messy human natural realities or vulnerabilities. That said we cannot alway have our own way and sometimes we need to compromise if we love others but that compromising should not compromise the integrity and authenticity of our True Self.
Those of us raised in neglectful or narcissistic households learn early on we don’t count much and our feelings and needs aren’t honoured. Others needs and wills are stronger. If we show anger about this we are cast out or punished so we learn over time to deny what we feel think or need. We become satellites in a bid to be seen. Healing comes when we hear the lonely angry cry of our neglected emotionally starved self and look for healthier sources answering with love from within our selves., turning to our Higher Power and soul for inner guidance, while learning to trust again in our own healthy needs and instincts We become stronger and grow when we begin to realise we dont have to feel ashamed for having these needs, feelings and instincts or having them wounded in childhood. We can learn who we really are by listening deeply to them.
Stay with your heartbroken self just long enough to learn the lessons from the pain. Do not turn away again from the part of your deepest soul that needs you. Bind up your wounds that are bleeding. Allow time for the healing. And do not be ashamed of your scars, for they made you what you are, a human being who lived suffered loved and tried.
My therapist said the way I reacted to this weeks disappointment about Scott and I not being able to meet was perfectly understandable with my history, but I do not think I was warranted in lashing out with some of the things I said. That said, I am only human and I need to get a better handle on when I ‘act out’ in fear. And I am calling to mind while writing this something Marianne Williamson writes about our close ”love’ relationships being the place our deepest wounds are revealed in order to be brought into the light for healing.
I know I do this (react/lash out) when my core being alone/abandonment wound gets triggered, I start too to mistrust and then everything turns to dust. I find it hard to stay soft and I am probably only human in this but never the less I do believe the wounded hurt part of us is not really able to give love because all it cares about is the love that seems to be lacking or absent which may trigger a deep unhealed place of wounding we carried multi-generationally or personally.
Just possibly so many of us carry this wound. Maybe so many of us also suffer with not feeling whole, or good or complete enough inside which is why we run around a lot like headless chickens pursuing feel goods or fix ups or try to change our appearance. I read something about a teenage singing idol the other day who said he loves himself and that is why he decides to have filler injections in his lips to make them look larger. I think he looks worse and its probably not my right to judge I just think there is something out of kilter in his comment. That said if we want to do something to feel ‘self improved’ that is our inalliable right. I just wish that on this earth we loved ourselves more for who we really are DEEP DOWN INSIDE. I OFTEN WISH WE DID NOT FEEL THAT WE NEED TO TURN OURSELVES INSIDE OUT TO BE LOVED OR ACCEPTED or only got judged from the outside or surface of things.
I am realising what a loving attitude is by being connected to a man who always comes from his heart. He is able to say his piece without being mean or lashing out and he is able to affirm me when I get angry but set boundaries too when my behaviour was hurtful as it was this week. I got to see how the wounded Plutonian side of myself reacts this week and it turned back upon me which called to mind something I read in a week or so ago in Paul Ferrini’s book about how when we attack others the knife of attack falls on our own head. I experienced that this week in knowing I had caused someone I care about deep deep pain.
I see how hard I find it to reach out, to trust others, to love unconditionally and wholeheartedly. I think many of us are taught if we love like this its only opening ourselves to any kind of abuse but I don’t agree for when we truly love ourselves and know our own value in a balance way those poison barbs don’t lodge so deeply into us. Its when part of us believes it true that we hurt and then lash back.
I have learned a lot this week about how my reaction patterns go and I am grateful for that today. It was so sad to hear Scott in such pain today about the fact we cannot meet and no one will help us, I felt the pain in my heart and radiating down my entire left arm. I got to therapy and am sitting in the growing dusk now. This is always the most spiritual time of day for me. I was born at 7.10 pm so I find the evening of dusk twilight often like a birth time. Today I am grateful for the insight this week gave me into my dark side and that the person I love still loves me and accepted my heartfelt apology. I pray one day we will finally get to meet, I am going to be doing a lot of praying but I will accept too, that as painful as things are now, things are working out somehow, someway for good.
Life is a journey of our greatest hopes along with our most wounded scars. We can rise above the earth shattering moments when we learn to gaze on the beauty from above. You are not alone. We stand together as we embrace our shields and rise.