cages : dying embers

release me from these cages

you built

and allow my heart

to beat in time with the rhythm of heaven

spirit is a fire

ransomed when our soul desires

are desecrated and demonized

and so it is we bury the alive and magical child

who knew beyond a shadow of a doubt

what her soul longed, eeded and ached for

open the door of that place

where they said you must live

a cage in which you feasted only on morsels

and so lost a taste for embodied authentic life

keep dreaming your dreams

warm your soul but the coals of your inner fire

and do not consent to believe the lies they told you

when they say that all of your tears and rages

have no real meaning

what is the price of leaving your true self behind?

it is to ache and ache

slowly dying

beside a fire your entire being wishes to will to life

by breathing life

over all of it’s smouldering embers

Winter darkness

Sometimes the winter darkness

Steals into my soul

Covers my happiness with heavy clouds

And I grow forgetful of the light

My only reminder the stars that peek out

From the abyss created by the loss of the Moon

In that place I am a person haunted by these things

That are really only passing

There are dark experiences I took deep inside my heart

Swallowed down inside the marrow of my bones

It is hard to even tell of them

And when you go

I forget the love you bring

And that you are my soul’s new promise

For the dying of the light is a just a stage

Because somewhere on the other side of tomorrow

A new Sun is rising

Like a winged phoenix

From the ashes of death

reaches

out here among the fartherest reaches

I catch glimpse of myself

a soul forlorn

locked in memories of former selves

while the trapped bird of winged flight

beats crazily inside my chest

here from my ethereal domain

I ache to watch the struggle of humans

as I sense the binary complexity

that obscures the heart of starlight

from knowing and recalling

the domicile of its true belonging

as all around the perimeters

angry gun metal clouds

scream with the pregnancy of snow

sensing the freeze

i draw close to me

all of the warmth I can find

feeling my way out of this prison of isolation

that has for so many long and weary years

kept me so very far away

from my own kind

Belonging, authenticity and self acceptance

Guidance today asked me to check my posts from 23 June 2017.. this one came up after I searched it and is so relevant to themes I am reading about lately I felt the need to reblog it.. love this quote from Brene Brown

Emerging From The Dark Night

Belonging 2.jpg

Wow I found this when I was looking for quotes and images to put on my post on self acceptance.  I find Brene Brown has some incredible insights into acceptance, authenticity and shame but this one hit me to the core.  I have so often I felt as though I didn’t belong as I was trying to fit myself to situations where I felt out of step, but in recent months, and when I have found myself into those same situations being myself, loving myself and not being besieged and assailed by critical inner shaming or invalidating self talk lately I have felt a far greater sense of belonging and I have been able to be more authentic.  That is so powerfully expressed in this quote, I felt the need to share it. Also in those situations when I have been real it has encouraged others to be real and open…

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things are not always as we imagine : afternoon thoughts

I am learning the best way in life is to front up, we cannot just make up reality in our head or project our take or even judge by yesterday what today may bring.. I made the effort after lunch to get over to my sister. There was a heavy deluge of rain falling on the drive over there from town and I was expecting the worst, her in bed in her pajamas and not responding but imagine my surprise to see her room door open and the bed all empty and then to be told she had moved.. this means she is no longer in critical care as they moved her to that room when they were worried for her a few weeks ago just before that terrible Sunday when she was almost psychotic with anxiety.

I asked where she was moved to.. Room 3 on the other side of the place and when I got to the door of the room which is much cosier and she was standing fully dressed with her bag on the bed about to unpack, she told me she had an appointment with a psychologist but they never appeared to take her to it.. so we sat and I chatted away as I do.. it was just such a relief to see her in a calmer state even if it was me doing a lot of the talking.. I seemed to just be over-running the room with lots of words, and I started to feel about 6 years old while I was there, but I felt happy, I was not crying and to see her dressed and reasonably okay was a huge surprise and not at all what I imagined was going to greet me on the drive over there.. I also connected while there with a woman who used to attend my Al Anon group, she has been one of the nurses for some time, my sister even ended up joining in the conversation. She then said to me, I feel like a cup of coffee and offered to walk me out on her way to go over to the cafe and get it, this has not been something she has done for weeks and weeks and weeks.

I had stayed about an hour by that point so I drove home in pouring rain which seemed fitting in some way. I also saw how much I get caught up with my sister and in thoughts of worry or other projections, sadness or running through memories of more painful times now passed but having processed a lot of this inwardly over past weeks I do feel far freer and happier.. And with my sis I can talk about the past and how lonely I found it and it made me realize just what different realities we can live in especially those of us growing up in the same family.

Our family was unusual in that there are large age gaps.. I seemed to get more love from my older sister and there were 8 years between her and my living sister, also eight years older than me.. I am also seeing that I never managed to break away to my own life, the issue of having my Mum aging and my older sister in need of support did derail things for me and I have to pay attention to to where my energy is going.. but just to be able to front up over there today did help and it eased my worries over her.. I am under no illusions though that she is going to be up and down like this maybe for the rest of her life..I just have to watch myself in terms of where my mind goes with it all. In the past if she was not well I did not feel I had the right to be well and happy, but I do.. And it occurred to me on the drive home that even being able to go and just face what I needed to face was a huge sign of growth for me.. I cannot explain it but reading that post last night about a person with autism who became a loner due to familial abuse and rejection really shone a light on my own situation feeling so isolated in a far older family.. this closer sister was abusive at times, my older sister rarely was.. but I guess who I really was just did not always figure much to her. That said I do remember over those years in Sydney after Dad died and I had returned from 3 years overseas she would always make the effort to see me when she and her husband came to town to do buying trips for their clothing boutiques.. My sister did try and we all know that no family relationships are written in stone, the truth is that they can change over time.. losing Mum has changed the dynamic with us a lot.. my sister still lives very much in her own world and is not as capable of reaching out, the same with her family..

I keep trying but in time I need to take steps to build my own life in some way too..for so many years isolation kept me in prison in many ways,..that and negative thoughts about people and a world that actually can be quite loving and interested and kind. One of the worst things about bad treatment or loneliness in childhood can be how it so often poisons our world view, this is what damages us more.. Challenging and chhanging our point of view and becoming more willing to open and try to reach out for new and good things and relationships is so important for our growth and healing. Once past pain is processed and understood it seems to become more possible for us to let go and change and risk. We may find ourselves ever so slowly seeking ways to emerge from the cocoon we had to build for long years around us for both our psychological and emotional incubation as well as protection.

outrun : ancestral debris

sometimes my words out run my feelings

when my head is reeling

from trying so hard to stay afloat

but then there is a time

for drowning

even if

as I do

the image of the paramedics looming over me

appears

as I watch my teenage self

struggling for life and air

Oh Steve

if only you knew

how my heart beat for you

those short weeks before

but I pulled away

and then I crashed

and so all of our hopes

of true young love were dashed

there is so much I never got to live

I was a person drowning

or struggling to stay afloat in

torrential seas

all around me so much going on

and now at times I feel

my true self

like a growing bird

restless for flight

and yet how do I learn to keep my feet

planted firmly on the ground

When sometimes all of this human suffering

seems to surround me

and overwhelm me

can I trust

the true feelings to burst on through

and if I do

in time will I emerge

from out of this cocoon

in new place

my heart open

as I learn to embrace

the soldier that came

as the past lay dying in ashes around me

for I want so so badly to live

so so badly to be

the me that I feel and know and see

deeply lost and buried somewhere

under this massive pile

of ancestral debris

Waking in a new place : today’s emerging insights and perspectives

Maybe it takes many turns around the wheel of the year in our life to gain a deeper and broader perspective. Matbe it takes many deep dives into the dark.of ourselves to find our missing meaning, acceptance and inner light.

In the movie Must Love Dogs the central male character Jake shares his view that a broken heart comes back together stronger and far far wiser, perhaps even more capable of loving. Echoing this view in an interview I watched last night between Australian pop singer Marcia Hines and the painter Aahn Doh she spoke of how in her experience her deep encounter with depression ended up making her a far better person. Much depends upon how we handle that prolonged dark night experience as well as the kind of support and empathy we are shown. We can choose to.open to embrace our wounded heart seeing that as a sign of being human and inexperienced as well as perhaps cut off from our True Self and heart purpose in some way or from meaningful connections, inner and outer. Or alternatively reject ourselves and shame ourselves. When I think of my sister’s painful path, I sense, perhaps, this is what is going on for her. Like a small child without a life raft in high seas she has looked to those who SEEM TO HAVE POWER AND ANSWERS and let them tell her her problems are all about rewiring her brain and that is true too but knly partially if it rejects her soul.

I stepped back a little over past days after being so triggered on Sunday. I also took the risk of breaking down with my brother yesterday not only over Sue but this blocked inheritance too. He said he thought it was ‘sorted but it wasn’t. How he thought that I don’t know but he did agree to back date and release my monthly allowance thank God. It made me see he just gets distracted he isn’t ‘bad’ or mean.

Just this little bit of help helped me so much and if I get a chance I will try to talk to my sister’s doctor and share my concerns over this treatment. Right now I feel she needs an advocate. Two.people including my therapist said not to even try that they will just dismiss me. But I am not sure. At least I can try. If I stay silent I won’t feel empowered regardless of how they react to me. After all I’ve battled suicidal depression since 2004 with no medication only inner work. Maybe that is a threat to their largely medical and pharmaceutical based approach but its still a valid way of trying to deal with soul sickness and paralysus/freeze malaise at least in my humble experiential view. Mars is now in Leo opposing that difficult placement of the repressed feminine inheritance, so the timing seems right.

Pease pray for me to find my Lion hearted courage. ❤ And I will continue to pray too for my Higher Power to show me what is within and outside of my limited human control..but there are always angels…..

the buried seed of love

to stay true to myself and to you

means i believe in love

and know I was created in love

and if my soul feels a part from love

there was a time love was not shown to me

and so I had to dig down

even amidst all of the stones

to find the love seed buried there

and nourish it

for years too

it seems

I may have lost the way to love

each time I misunderstood

how it really was for you

and thought that I could judge

i turned my back on love

and it hurt

still hurts to think

i was just mistaken too

but why

for am I not only human

imperfectly perfect

sometimes fragile

sometimes golden

even when my mind becomes

covered over with

lack of love’s tarnish

still I will keep

digging as deep as I can

within my own pain

to unearth my faith

and to find

the buried seed

of love

I always felt like I didn’t fit in – How autism feels when you don’t know you’re on the spectrum

This post really resonated with me. A lot of highly sensitive children love movies.. why is it that the best people always get punished because they wont toe the line, so they end up feeling the outsider.. possibly better than fitting into a conformist system.

anonymous gods

I grew up in a small town.

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister. I am the 4th child.

Ever since I can remember I was alone. I was labeled as a weird kid. I remember that I was confused about the fact that I was not allowed to be in the same company as my siblings. They were always of the opinion that I ‘should play outside’, so that’s what I did. I would imagine the most wonderful adventures with dragons and warriors and magic!

I recall the first time I saw a Hollywood movie, I was 6 years old. I live in a country where we drive on the left side of the street and we grow up learning to speak a second language, English, in school and with a British accent. So when I watched the first movie I was absolutely amazed at how fantastic it was…

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A loving community : today’s update

Living alone I am so grateful to my WordPress family.. not a lot of people stay as followers which is understandable and over my 7 or so years of blogging I have still only around 2,100 or so followers.. I know people will connect for a time and then move on but there are also those who I also follow who have been in my life for some years now and as I look back… what a loving family it has been nearly all of the time.. I have had two major clashes with people, one resolved in time as we just didn’t attune well enough to each other at a certain point but in time the person got that I cared even if at the time the way I expressed my opinion was not what she needed to hear at the time about her own trauma.. My approach can be a little intellectual at times though I do write a lot about feelings in some way with all of the airy influences in my chart which sometimes gets totally innundated by water (emotions) that is not an approach that suits everyone but never the less just being understood and having those reach out to me and vice versa when I hit those tough patches has been so very important to me.

The stress over my sister has died down a little now after Sunday and I am grateful for that.. On reflection my sister was a little easier to connect with on that day, she held my hand and I had the feeling for the first time in a very long time we could just hang out as sisters on an equal plane even if she has not been all that well and the ECT has obliterated some of her memories. I honestly felt she feels the love I have for her, even is she did not remember the visit before that one just being there for her even if it means sitting in silence a lot of the time is so so important.

I also made the effort to connect to her son’s family yesterday, as the eldest boy had his 13th birthday on the 13th. That is interesting as my Dad was also born on the 13th (of September not June) and Ethan has my Dad’s first name as his second name.. John.. I also got to get a gift for their daughter as I missed her birthday this year due to my sister taking ill again… I just take the initiative these days to call them and ask to see them as they do not contact me if I do not do this.. its just the way it has been in our family and to be honest it was so lovely to just be able to pop around there and catch up with them.. They also have the sweetest dog called Otto and Otto was so lovely to me, as soon as I arrived he jumped up and then stuck by me wanting pats and he even tried to give me a kiss.

I have not always been that comfortable with my sister’s son but sharing about it in therapy I do see how I began to pull away to a degree after getting sober in 1993 and also as they were growing up I was actually overseas at that point and so they did not get to bond with me as much as my older sister’s sons..

Sadly they did not mention my sister one time and everytime I tried to mention her it got ignored, but when Sienna (their daughter) shared about her love of the piano I was able to tell her all about how her Nana loved to play but how that love of music got stymied by the Nuns and also by the fact due to my older brother having to work nights at our family restaurant she was not allowed to practice too much in the mornings.. I also told them how her piano got sold out from under her and how I got all stroppy about this with the man who turned up to buy it.. Even at that age (6 or so) I was trying to look out for my sister.

Anyway this is a post just to say thank you to all of those lovely friends here who reached out to me on Sunday and to catch other up on where I am now thanks to all of your support.. in a far better place than on Sunday. I was in a terrible state that night I hardly slept and I woke in a terrible rage with the psychiatrist on Monday morning.. Luckily I was able to share in therapy yesterday and in sessions lately a lot of my body trauma is coming out, I was actually collapsing too on the floor due to the pain of what I have seen both sister’s endure in terms of medical/psychiatric help over the many years they have both suffered.. I must admit I also may seem demented if anyone saw what happens in therapy sessions lately when all of my early trauma around my head manifests in swings and outburst of rage and pushing back at my Mum not feeling the impact of what she did or the orthodontist or other did.. Luckily Kat does not intervene sometimes she has to slide her chair back. But she always managed to hold me and in not shaming me lets things unravel.. Yesterday it was all about the terrrible head brace and bit I had to wear that attached to my braces between the ages of 15 and 17 in 1977 to 1979.. It wasn’t long after they came off that I smashed up and ended up losing two and a half teeth… my teeth would ache from the bloody contraption which was like an instrument of some kind of torture… I am missing even more teeth now but life is what it is.. I just have to accept it all, but possibly when my sister goes under it arks up all of my trauma too.. it must have been traumatic for her to see me go through all of this..we both have carried so much.. so so so much.

Anyway a big thank you to you all for your love and support.. I honestly would feel so much more alone if you were not here.. and I hope to give back some of the love you so often beam my way.. truly we are stronger together.