A way to breathe

There must be a way to breathe

a path to set free

the trapped bird within my chest

that thrives on life and hope and trust

and openness

There must be a force of love

that from heaven’s above

sees the mess we made

and patiently waits for us to awaken

to the truth

Where are we going?

And why are we so far from home?

Oppression is this weight

that we created by the meaninglessness

We lost the path to find the way

home or else forgot home

surrounds us

How to treasure it?

to make recompense

or is it all too late for us?

Surely our heart

and lungs

remember

how to to breathe.

Mellow

To me mellow is more blue

Than yellow

It is a tiredness that sweeps over me

After I see the uselessness of illusions

And become wise to the ways

All of my frenetic running only led

To exhaustion and utter heart break

Why was it so hard to let go?

Why did I try for so long

To push against the invisible tide?

I could not help but love you

But now there is an ache in the place

I used to search for you

There is an emptinesss inside the space

Deep inside me that resonates with your name

As I sense you

Becoming lost to me

Maybe because you feel so lost

In you

So now all all I can do

Is bathe in the reality

Absorb the healing cool of the afternoon breeze

Rest in the shadow of my old tulip tree

And say goodbye to all of these painful memories

And my longing

For you

raw and vulnerable : evening update

I have been feeling stripped back and raw and vulnerable these afternoons.. I miss my Mum and family, I miss contact with my sister, i cry with longing for my family.. It was good to hear from my brother today, the truth is he was so tied up with work he forgot about everything else.. I did feel love for him and told him to take care of himself.. He has released me some money and I am grateful.. I have no choice but to adapt myself to reality…life on life’s terms.. it is the only way to peace for me and I see how much anger and defendedness actually kept at of feelings of grief and vulnerability at bay.

I got home from the shops too just a short while ago. Everyone seems slow and tired if you have to do anything it takes an age… I had to sit in the queue at the bank as I felt dizzy no one seemed to mind, they just apologised things took so long it took the teller about 15 minutes to serve 3 customers.. Anyway with Saturn on my tail I am up for lessons in patience.. I seem to be finding myself behind learner drivers doing 30 in 60 zones, or the old codger who has his left indicator on but then decides he is going to turn right, that kind of random human thing I have not always been patient with.. I am learning to breathe and sometimes pull back or change my focus..and not get stressed.. How Important Is It?

Scott said last night he knew how upset with him I was and he will take steps to get my money back when he can.. Its cold comfort, I love the guy and would love to meet but at this stage its looking like 2 more years for him.. I have a scab forming on the left side of my head just off to the side of the crown from all of the spiralling and spinning since that last SOT treatment on Friday last.. I am a bit scared to go again on Friday but in some way my body does seem to be settling.. there are moments I am still feeling such a great deal of disorientation, dissociation and then bursts of grief.. the time 4 to 7 seems particularly hard but if I just let myself cry and the feel the disorientation it does pass in time..

I was re reading an old book called Loving an Adult Child of an Alcoholic… it explains how our hypervigiliance dovetails with our fear of being abandoned in relationships.. We see any expression of anger as bad or dangerous. This makes sense of how my brother would respond when I got angry and Mum too. I think Mum was so alone and then when Nana was home she got angry with Mum a lot due to the fact she had no support, not even a war widow’s pension.. that carried down to us.. Dad would be the one staying quiet, Mum may rage and we kids tried to do the best to be ‘good’ or ‘silent’ or whatever.. I have so much fear in me.. that is all I recognise now.. I am even scared of calling my sister.. I miss her a lot and it hurts she doesn’t reach out… I know Al Anon says to let it begin with me.. life feels lonely right now… I know its not the whole truth of things.. Scott always says to me ‘honey you aren’t alone there is never a moment you are out of my heart’ but he is 12,000 miles away… it just feels like a curse but in the end I guess only I can break it.. I am not totally powerless.. that said there can be peace in quiet, even if at times my heart does ache with that deep, old, ancestral loneliness. If I just surrender too it maybe it can flow into another feeling.. Maybe its all just taking time allowing myself to acknowledge how powerless I was over the bad things happening..

On forgiveness

Forgiveness shows me the world is not perfect

that it demands of us a working towards progression

in life, in love, in relationships

a freeing up of stuck stagnant energy that leads nowhere good.

Forgiveness is a recognition

that if I do not let go of or channel the hurt

it will only rebound on me

I will be then chained to the rock of resentment

doomed to live the same painful events over and over..

never using the suffering as medicine to transform and move forward

Forgiveness shows me there is a new opportunity I can take

if I am willing to let go of old trances

Forgiveness shows me I do have some power

mostly the power over the attitude I take to people and events

Forgiveness shows me I can reach for light

even in the midst of great darkness

Forgiveness shows me I can show mercy

and not let judgement fix or freeze me in places

that only turn the fire of my spirit to ice

On anger and hate : some thoughts

There are somethings that need to make us angry, as a wake up call to our spirit. There are somethings we need to hate, even as we recognise we had no control over them, like child abuse or people taking advantage of, hurting and not protecting the vulnerable..There are some injustices that affront our sense of what is morally right and even those we have to acknowledge exist.. There are some truths that hurt, taste bitter or sour going down and yet have to swallow.

Lately I felt a little like I was drowning.. the problem with my hip that led to me not being able to stand or walk for two days, the recognition I had lend all my life savings in the hope of being supported by an inheritance that may not ever be sorted all of this has caused me a lot of fear as well as a lot of questioning my past decision where if I faced my fear more and fronted up to be responsible things may have gone better.. But if there is one thing I have learned and must be absolutely rigorous in facing in my life now, is that I cannot change the past.. I can only learn from it and the life lessons.. What makes me feel anger and hate shows me things about my values and the way I wish to live and align myself. They are calls for action.

I am utterly grateful to be up and walking two days in a row now.. We have been out by 9.30 and 10 am both days and home by after 11. I have not been denying myself my morning coffee, I just like the interaction of having it made for me, sitting with Jasper in the car him having a little of the froth, reading or listening to music..my routine is then to come home and blog.

And last night I felt at least supported by the Universe.. A close family friend who is so upset at the way my brother is not dealing with the disbursement of our inheritance rang.. I had copied her in on an email asking for assistance to pay a rates bill due in two days.. it is a large sum and being frugal I really only have enough money to last me another 4 months.. I was actually crying a lot yesterday, longing for my sister to see me and connect and then while typing this, another miracle my brother rang and he is going to give me some money to tide me over.. so I can at least breathe a bit easier.. I told him of how I collapsed and he listened to me.. I actually cried.. I honestly know he doesn’t have a clue how it is for me and what I go through in my body.. But at least if I know I have that money coming I can finally breathe easier..thank God for my family friend is all I can say she truly is an angel and recognised how vulnerable I am.

There is a time for hate and anger but they never take us that far. in the end holding onto bitterness rebounds against us and yet we need to know what hurts us and stand up to find a voice in some way even if we don’t get heard.. we need to hear ourselves and always keep fighting to find those who will hear us. There is a reason for our feelings.. For me I need to turn the hate and anger around in some way.. I need to use them as a call to power and mobilisation. I have to get that scream of dis-empowerment over what was done to me out of my body, so that I can move on in a positive direction… I must fight but in a positive, life enhancing way.

With Mars on my tail in an earth sign I am trying to ground as much as possible. The accident I had with the head blow often makes me feel I will collapse, its my body mirroring how my psyche so often feels, not adult but babylike in some way but I also know there is a creative element to this as well… I am learning to support myself and not get as bowed under by the negative thoughts either, that so often try to kill off the good or undermine me.. I must self support…I must keep standing up to the negative voices that don’t want me functioning, well healthy, positive or happy.

Tell me tales of love

Tell me tales of love

I am a weary traveller

let me rest a while beside your firelight

as I soak in the healing of light

cast by a canopy of stars

Take me away to the wild places

of dreaming

which exist below this hollowed out day world

devoid of touch

There is a part of my body aching

for this

the healing love of the earth mother

And for stories of those who surrendered

reason completely

to find the path to their hearts

even if they found there

a wild and tangled nest

of fevered longings and thwarted imaginings

give it all a voice

for my very being is

starving to hear these

restless tales of love

Beauty

Beauty opens its truth to us

slowly over time

like the petals of a precious flower

unfolding

When we behold the mystery

that lies beneath

our soul’s truth

it may even appear ugly to someone else

to those who reject the light that turned

noxious, poisonous and dark

inside of us

Love these parts of your soul anyway

Here is the mud that gives birth

to your lotus flower

Here is the sewer of becoming

giving rise to a healing spring

Stay deep within the breathless place

until your stolen breath returns

rising and falling

undulating like a wave

even as it disappears

The Universe is here always trying to reveal to us

the foundation of inner beauty

even amidst great ugliness.

Besides these light shadows of our untapped potential for goodness and beauty, there is also the possibility of discovering a pearl of great price, a treasure hidden in a field in the midst of our most despicable parts. Jesus saw both in every sinner he met. He saw the untapped potential and the gold in the wickedness … which if turned around, could be transformed into great good.

Janice Brewi and Anne Brennan

Mid-Life Spirituality and Jungian Archetypes

sing us home

In a tight space

I look to you

But your face is turned away

It is as it must be

I am an adult now

Even if the child within me cries out more and more of her pain

Lately

It is I who must listen to her cries

No one is coming to save her

There are times I touch base with this deep love for her

Lately

I sense her very close to me

A star from the heavens

That turned it’s heart into a stone

Weeping all alone over something others could not seem to see

They then turned their backs on me

In scorn

Its okay

I have to bear it

This coming awake must be done

Internally

Only we can set ourselves free

Others will come when we become truer to our child

And find the power to encompass her

For she is the soul in us

The very depth

The root of the root

The living proof that our true essence

Is celestial

And it is this soul that has the true power

To sing us home

Do you love your self?

Its not easy I know in a world fraught with appearances and comparison to see the unique and individual being you are especially when those supposed to love, foster and nurture you only filled your head with mean things or else you watched them abusing their bodies or not resting, living a fraught and disconnected life. And yet, how could it not have been so? Something that preoccupies my thoughts a lot lately as I come to more acceptance around the emotional neglect aspect of my ancestral and parental legacy..

I have a lot more compassion now as I see how hard both my parents were trying to pull themselves up from the mud and survive.. As a child in an adults’ body I cannot see this longer range view, often it takes so much suffering and going down to rise to encompass this truth.. none of it was personal at all.. Never meant to harm or wound and yet it did!. And when I think lately of the dramatic swings my body made as all this began to push for attention from the age of 40 onwards (as Uranus opposed Uranus while Neptune squared Neptune) that all makes sense too. The pain is no longer so personal any more maybe I am finally integrating more and more of it.

Over five generations our family bonds got torn and then the struggle to live with the unconscious psychic inheritance made us crumble.. my older sister was the real casualty, even though my accident came first around my Dad’s 59th birthday in 1979… Six months later a vessel in my sister’s head burst and she was forced into both psychosis and dependency as without essential support my family could not give her what was needed to recover. The being torn away theme also replayed when my brother in law took her overseas only to dump her in an asylum for a while and then return her to us with a one way ticket.. This happened in 1982 and was so uttterly painful for me to witness. My nephews (closer in age to me than my brother) were no longer in touch with us and that is when my own struggle with intimacy and terminations of pregnancy followed It feels right to be re-exploring this today with the Moon in early Cancer in conjunct my Aquarian Moon and the transiting Sun (today at 6 Aquarius.)

I have rivers of compassion for my parents now but I still carry the great grief of loneliness over separation from family that played out.. Hard as I have tried on my return to Canberra to be included by my sister’s family they continue to keep distance just as my father and his son and grandsons did to his own family .. Its the same with my brother’s children, we got close for a while but then those bonds got put to death by my sister in law who never dealt with her mother’s early death and just encouraged me in 2004 to get as far away from family as possible..

It hurts to feel the longing for sibling love I got from Jude that doesnt come from my two remaining siblings. They both continue to keep a great emotional distance (just as my father did from his.) It is pointless and counterproductive for me to deny the longing I have to love them and be loved by them. It pierces me so deeply but in the end I have to give all those feelings to God and the angels else they get too hard to manage. I ring my brother but he didnt even bother to return my call last week. Get sick of trying at times.

Forgiveness for life not being perfect or ideal is MOST ESSENTIAL to my peace and healing at present.. the more compassion and empathy I offer to my true Self the more this becomes possible for feel for others… And yet feeling the anger and rage over the denial of it and their scapegoating of and inability to see me as I am has been very important too.. It means I feel worthy of being seen and valued and don’t just blow the truth off, covering it in mists of denial or fog. Or ‘making nice.’ I kept trying at this with my sister and failed.. Not heard zip from her since last week. I let that go to God too.. in my soul I know we are connected so I have to try to send her love even as her great distance wounds me..and I am not alone in this as so many of us suffer in this way with family and siblings.. We compensate by finding a spiritual family of choice..

Jasper and I managed an earlier walk today.. I was grateful for it.. I am having some epsom salt baths with Himalayan Rock Salt and Bergamot and Orange lately that are helping my body relax and today as we walked the lake on Australia Day (or as the indigenous peoples would rather it be called : Invasion Day) I heard and felt the suffering in the wind and the grey churning lake of the dispossessed ancestors.. Hearing a story from one of the stolen generation last week on the ABC arts program broke my heart. Apparently fter they took these children from their parents, driving them a great distance away they gave them chloroform to anaethetise them. So so sad.. it made me scream and cry for them..

It is imperative here in Australia that we must face up to what was done, even if it was the British colonising forces that wreaked such havoc on an entire population.. On that note I started to watch a very funny comedy stand up performance by Trevor Noah yesterday afternoon called Afraid of the Dark in which he deals with a British person invading India in skit that has the colonising ‘force’ in a very funny dispute with the Indian person who asks him which of the Gods told him to invade the place.. It was funny, insightful and ironic…It also showed the complete ignorance and opposition of ways of perceiving reality that exists and how split off the heroic egoic forces of patriarchy were that lost connection with depths and abadonded a complex and rich multi-theism for a superficial conglomerate monotheism.. devaluation of the feminine followed and yes not only A FEAR OF, BUT TERROR OF THE DARK THAT THEN HAD TO BE VANQUISHED.

Today I give thanks for a safe home here in Australia where positive steps by government have contained Covid very well, while at the same time acknowledging I am also an invader… my father took flight from his own country due to fear of death.. he never wanted to back.. visited only a couple of times.. Visiting Holland in 2001 for the second time I was overcome with grief when I saw the love my Aunt has for us.. I will always be grateful I managed to make a bond with her for a short time before her death in 2008. I sadly could not accept her help after the head injury in 2005, if only I had been braver…I cried today while walking over the many opportunities I had to bond with people that I rejected out of fear.. even after the head injury people offered me some help but I chose to come back here..

I am glad in a way.. I got those final years with Mum and Jude but I am full of sadness too for the independent life I did not get to live and yet, if I had not faced all of this would I have grown so much as a person, in love, wisdom, empathy and understanding? Probably not.. Maybe its time to acknowledge just how strong and amazing I am even with all my very human vulnerabilities and complexities.. Maybe its time to see my shadow contains gold.. Maybe its time to stand up and roar..To own my power and never ever chose to remain silent to or bury the necessary pain that brought myself and my family as well everyone else to here. To keep bearing witness to the wounds while choosing not to live there or be inundated by the pain of them so utterly from now on.

You are safe : the power to rise

You are safe my darling

I have your back

The demons that come calling

Speaking of lack

Don’t let yourself listen

To the things they say

We together

Are stronger than that

Why is it that we must fear

The night

The past is the past

And if ancestral voices come calling

Just remind them you are free now

And I have your back

There is a way to stop the deconstruction

It happens when you work fearlessly

Upon your reconstruction

And when the undertow arrives

Bid the wave to pass on by

There is a center forming inside yout

That is stronger than that

If you trust the power of your mind

To answer back

Fear with love

Dread with hope

There is safety here

And you are never alone

Because the interconnections go on

As long as you trust

That there was a reason

And dark seasons

Pass

That every single part of you life

Has meaning

And you truly do possess

The power to rise