Chiron in Aries 2018-2027 – You are Here for a Reason

A very important transit that will challenge us to break free of wounds which prevent us true to our authentic selves..

In a Love World

Chiron in Aries 2018-2027 – You are Here for a Reason

March 21, 2018
Astro Butterfly

Chiron in Aries 2018 – 2027

Chiron in Aries is one of the most important events of 2018. Chiron will enter Aries on 18 April 2018 and will leave Aries on 14 April 2027.

View original post 1,352 more words

When you went away


When you went away

No time to say goodbye

You died alone

Under a procedure

No one there to hold your hand

The news was final

Dealt with a shock blow

That left us reeling

How can it be

That in a matter of weeks

You were torn away

And the frayed edges never really healed

I was always scrambling to fill

Not only the hole left

But the deeper absence

That I felt when your soul was not present

Nor fully engaged

While you were alive

There were so few times you ever cuddled me

Or told me how much you loved me

So was it any wonder

I carried such a hunger

And sought so little to think of or value my worth

Now I see the truth of it

What a lonely and deeply empty place it left me in

When the one who did not really love me anyway

Also chose then to leave me too

Abandoning me to emptiness

I could not really fathom

But tried so desperately

To drown out

Now all that is left of the place

Where real human male love should live

Is an empty space

I have not really ever known it

And so I have had to find it from within

In the knowing of my worth

In the grieving

Which is both a realisation

And shedding of illusions

That kept me blind

As I think of the lost years

And how emptiness was always there

A haunting memory

And longing

That lingered around every night fall and day dawn

Like a ghost

I finally know

How painful it felt

When you went away

Don’t tell me : Say nothing!


Don’t tell me I am to blame

When I did all I could to survive in a wilderness

Don’t tell me this is something I chose

Something you would not wish on your worst enemy

Don’t tell me I need to make it alone

When only relationship and community can sustain me

Don’t tell me it wasn’t intentional

Even so I was hurt

And so were others

And if you really had empathy you would understand this

Don’t tell me I should be over all that by now

For I will never be over it I will only come through it

And telling me or others that only feels dismissive

Don’t tell me it was all for a reason

When really you would just rather not

Engage with this level of pain

Or lack the depth to understand deeper causes

Don’t tell me It will all come right in the end

For it may not

As much as I try

And you are not God

For the kind of world we live in now

Sometimes shows and sometimes lacks empathy

And good and terrible things happen all the time

And so often kind people die alone

Instead please say

That must have been hard

I hear your pain

Or if you can’t


Just say nothing

The importance of community, connection and altruism in healing trauma.

“Traumatic events destroy the sustaining bonds between individual and community. Those who have survived learn that their sense of self, of worth, of humanity, depends upon a feeling of connection with others. The solidarity of a group provides the strongest protection against terror and despair, and the strongest antidote to traumatic experience. Trauma isolates; the group re-creates a sense of belonging. Trauma shames and stigmatizes; the group bears witness and affirms. Trauma degrades the victim; the group exalts her. Trauma dehumanizes the victim; the group restores her humanity.

Repeatedly in the testimony of survivors there comes a moment when a sense of connection is restored by another person’s unaffected display of generosity. Something in herself that the victim believes to be irretrievably destroyed—faith, decency, courage—is reawakened by an example of common altruism. Mirrored in the actions of others, the survivor recognizes and reclaims a lost part of herself. At that moment, the survivor begins to rejoin the human commonality…”

Judith Herman, Trauma and Recovery

The meaning we make of things : reflections on trauma, choice, recovery and inner power

The meaning we make of things has a huge influence and power over us and then there are the meanings other influences may project or teach, such as the belief in some spiritual, new age philosophies that we ‘chose’ to be here and experience all we are experiencing for some ‘higher purpose”.  I am not as big a fan of this point of view these days although I do believe we are all being presented with evolutionary challenges all the time and that the attitude we take to our trials and tribulations does make huge difference, but this is different to being told we ‘chose’ something painful as a way to learn.  I just don’t believe that any more.

I have had the thought a  lot lately that I did not choose to be born.  My parents conceived me as an unplanned child later in life and I didnt chose to be born into a much older family where a lot was already going down before I arrived on the scene.  Later in my life and through much inner exploration I have been able to be more objective about what was happening subjectively, internally and implicitly for me as a young baby and child born into this much older business oriented family.  I was listening to an excellent programme on Tuesday on the difference between trauma memory and other memoires.  Trauma that happens to us before age of 2 is not consciously remembered as our hippocampus has not been formed yet so is encoded implicitly and is only available through sensation not as thought.  It is known too that trauma that occurs after the hippocampus is formed affects the size and influence of this part of our brain on us.

I am only minimally educated in my understanding but I remember reading in Peter Levine’s books Waking The Tiger and In An Unspoken Voice how inaccesible to thought such trauma is and how sensation focused therapy which helps us to bear with and relate to pscyho-biological symptoms (which can be both intense and frightening) is the best kind of therapy to help us with healing, integrating, self soothing and containment of trauma.  Also since trauma creates fractures in sensation and experience once such body memories are made conscious they can then be integrated into a narrative which helps us to make sense.

The other thing much on my mind this morning was how much self blame is a part of having undergone trauma.   And to be told we ‘chose’ something gives us the illusion of some kind of power or control when really we had neither at the time and often found ourselves totally overwhelmed and disempowered.  This is why Complex PTSD therapist Pete Walker and trauma specialist Judith Herman remind us how important it is that we who have been traumatised deal with the inner and external criticism and blame that can be heaped on us and how important it is that we develop good boundaries and the ability to fight back if part of the way we responded to trauma was to collapse, dissociate or go numb, or fall into a pararlysis (playing dead so as to escape the threat).  Writing the last reation reminds me of how a wounded animal naturally retreats after a wound to try and heal itself by licking the wound, this kind of ‘licking’ for humans may involve repetitive thoughts or rumination which we play over and over again but if too internalised may keep us trapped.  And then to be told we ‘chose” it, just adds insult to injury.

At the same time there is something we trauma survivors do have power and control over, that is the choices me make as to how to respond to being instinct injured or damaged emotionally.  It may take a lot of time to find any form of power or control or free choice if we remain identified as victims.  The truth is we WERE victims at the time of trauma but we do not have to keep allowing ourselves to be revictimised over and over again by telling ourselves things like “I chose it”, or “I deserve it”, or “this was all for my higher good”.  In time as Peter Levine explains trauma does give us a gift of recognising how important the spiritual dimension of experience is.  If we loose touch with the power of our spirit for life, light, joy and hope, we are disempowered, once we gain access to this power we may find an inner strength and wisdom that was lacking before.  Then we can say that trauma had a purpose but not one we chose, still one the world so sorely needs to learn about and from.   We trauma victims who have in some way recovered can then become voices for what lies unspoken in our cells and biology and may even, in some way, been inherited from our ancestors who passed it on when they chose or happened to give birth to us.

Awakening 2.jpg

The link to the programme on trauma and memory can be found here :,-memory,-and-health/9547446



A good heart

I spent a lot of years in the rooms of AlcoholicsAnonymous before I decided to concentrate more energy on personal one to one therapy in my recovery and what I witnessed there was that post people who own up to addiction are good people at heart, people who had a lot of challenges or loss or may have turned to addictions to cope with emotional neglect or abuse.  And that is why it hurts my heart when those who work so hard at recovery day in day out put themselves down.  I know I do it to myself all the time and am so glad I found  good therapist who helped me to see beyond this to deeper injuries and lacks which drive this inner self critical perfectionist within me that formed as a defence against loneliness and emotional neglect/abandonment.  It just really hits me full force when I witness others doing the same and so I felt the need to write this to affirm what goodness I see in your heart, all people working in recovery to overcome past neglect, abuse, humiliation, betrayal or pain.

I believe there is an essential part of us that is our core and that is whole and good, it is complete and it does not really require anything outside of the self to complete it.  I hear echoes of this in the Buddhist idea of bodhichitta which is a name given to that which exists beyond and beneath all the thoughts and actions and mind forms we engage with that is purely wholesome and complete, lacking in nothing.  It is really only when we have the time to sit with ourselves and feel deep within in the silence that I feel we most truly touch base with this part of ourselves that knows at heart we are connected to everything.  It happens when the voices of criticism and shame are silent and/or when we can answer back with love.

In this place live memories of all those souls we connected to in our lives and even if we had tough experiences with those people underneath there is a part of our soul that knows this experience was given to us for a reason, not one we chose but one that we can and do learn from if we can trust ourselves to be honest and question deeply inside.   I wrote a poem about this the other day but a strange thing happened it just vaporised from WordPress.  I was at the library typing it and I hit publish and it just disappeared.. very strange, it was called Eternal and was about a spiritual experience I had recently of revisiting painful relationships from my past and feeling them resolved.   Oh well its gone now and its a mystery as to why.

I am presently reading Bev Aisbett’s book I Love Me.   As a survivor of anxiety and panic attacks herself Beth has worked for nearly 30 years on a path of self discovery to help others, what she sees as lying at the basis of all of these disorders is actually a lack of self love, not self love of the narcissistic kind, but that which lets us know our true worth as souls and persons equal to others.   When I read this kind of stuff it fills me with the understanding the self love is really the start of all love, I know it’s a kind of truism we hear a lot about but the more we can work to stay in touch with this pure essence of us which is heart centred and that means taking good care of ourselves across all levels, physical, emotional, mental and spiritual the more connected we feel, the less anxious and the less alone.

We are wont to condemn self love, but what we really mean to condemn is contrary to self love.  It is that mixture of selfishness and self hate that permanently pursues us, that prevents us from loving others and that prohibits us from  loving ourselves.

Paul Valery


Internalising a ‘bad me’!

This is a post I wrote quite a while ago and did not have the courage to post.  I dont know why…. but today I am going to share it.

I wake up nearly every day being shred to pieces by a force my therapist and I call Mr A.  He is a kind of inner critic, blamer, accuser figure who I have read often materalises in the psychic structure of what therapist Sylvia Bretton Perrera calls ‘the scapegoat identified child’.  I touched on this scapegoat issue in a post I posted the other day


about how the true self of a child can be negated or erased by a parent’s lack of mirroring or attunement as well as the split off from deep within their own psyche.

Anyway yesterday in session Kat my therapist spoke about the force of what she called ‘the annihilator’ and I reminded her how it was fitting then I named this inner force Mr A before as its what it tries to do to me, literally take out a big gun and blow the good me to pieces insisting I am the cause of all suffering in my family and the world, insisting I was and will never, ever be ‘good enough’.   And when I look at things more realistically I see this just is not true.  Truth is I got precious little in the way of time energy or needs met by either parent in the course of growing up and when tragedies hit from the age of 17 – 23 I was foundering in trying to find a way into the world and to express the authentic part of me that pretty much got obliterated with my descent into addiction as a coping stratgy from the age of 15 onwards.

I am actually in the midst of trying to write a more detailed autobiographical post about this at present but then I got a like on an older post on BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder) and reading some of that person’s posts got me back on track to this particular subject of how, as children we are made to carry the can for our abusers and then end up supporting, protecting and defending them or their behaviour even when deep in our gut we know it was hurtful, mean or selfish.

While our gut knows this and our heart too, our heads can doubt it due to the fact of the mixed messages or introjects abusers or emotionally disconnected, neglectful or unavailable parents lodged inside of us.  They only hurt us because we were so ‘bad’, messy, difficult. selfish, demading blah, blah, blah or else we are being ‘overly sensitive’….. thus we internalise the message that there is something wrong with us for actually daring to point out ‘an inconvenient truth’, inconvenient to who exactly, well to our abuser who is lily white and can do no wrong?

We may fall for this gaslighting, reality twisting or psychological defence for some time if we don’t have a strong, solid objective emotional champion, what psychotherapist Alice Miller has called ‘an enlightened witness’ to help us make sense of both our suffering as well as the scewed reality we have been forced to live inside.

Over the past year or so it has been easier for me to get a sense of when Mr A is on the scene in my own life, but he still makes a lot of appearances dissing me for this or that aspect of my character which makes me ‘bad’ : being messy, calling a spade a spade, refusing to accept unacceptable/unloving behavior.

On this subject I would like to share in this post several distortions which we may be subjected to by inner introject voices or philosophies which keep us wedded to being too forgiving with and of our abusers that Andrea Mathews addresses in her book Letting Go of the Good : Dispel the Myth of Goodness to Find Your Genuine Self. 

If we have gone through not only parental neglect or abuse but abuse at the hands of moralising forces in the early environment (religious or philosphical) we may have a hard time with these.  Getting out from under then so we can enforce appropriate qualities of discernment, insight and self protection and self care will help to counter balance our ingrained tendency towards emotional self abandonment.  They are as follows:

  1. Guilt is a good thing.   This is widely believed lie in our culture.  It advises us against both compassion and passion.   Guilt often has less to do with authentic relating and more to do with acquired social and cultural sanctions.   We don’t need to feel bad because we have been led to believe we are bad by another’s moral compass, it’s far better if we feel bad because we have genuinely hurt another person due to the force and understanding that compassion for them and their suffering would arm us with. And come to think of it what happens when we are made to feel guilty for following a genuine authentic impulse that just isnt approved of by moralistic others with their own agenda?   What of the ‘bad’ child who ‘should be ashamed of herself’ merely for asserting their own legitimate will in a necessary situation?
  2. Innocence is sacred.  While none of us would like an innocent child to be hurt or abused the truth is that we can hide behind the lie of sacred innoence rather than come to terms with the fact that genuine evil can exist in the world.   “Good guys have bought the cultural mythology about innocence, defined as pure goodness, and they are killing themselves to accomplish it.  What if that innocence in which we so delight in a child, puppy, or kitten is just a lot of cuteness mixed in with authenticity?  What if the only real innocence is authenticity? What if being real is as close as we get to innocence?
  3. In addition if we are always struggling to be innocent and pure in our thoughts where does that leave us with real thinking which in response to difficulties and abuse can take us into darker spaces and places?  This is an important point which psychologist Jordan Peterson made in a radio interview siting how the desire to set fire to the world or burn up others is often a result of feelings of despair and revenge which arose due to earlier abuse mistreatment or humiliation even punishment for so called ‘evil’ feeling which were rather authentic and real responses to injustice.   Peterson made the important point in that interview that such feelings help to explain the occurence of many of the mass shootings that have taken place in past years in his own country.

The above are just two of the ways outlined in Mathews book that as Good Guys we can be in flight from a bad me that is really just human and very far from innocent or perfect; a me that is struggling to be and expess authentically in a world where we may be fighting against our own shadow day after day, most especially if in childhood we learned to internalise and go to war with the ‘bad’ me inside that is nothing less than our authentic valid self that never got to fully live, learn and grow due to shame.