The eternal

This morning I saw the eternal part of my soul. As I gazed out over sun speckled waters I realised that everything comes and goes, and yet there are constant tides, themes and undercurrents too on our soul.journey. Themes that repeat until we accept and under stand them and then detach and let go of what we need to if it’s possessing us too much.

Sometimes our wants are not met. Circumstances don’t conform to our will. Then surrender and letting go become even more essential. And in the time of surrender and letting go we see how eternal our soul is, that all of the losses and trials were a part of our path..not punishments from God..just tests of our capacity to endure as we extend ourselves to embrace more and more the flow of life even with those deep dives and pulls into phases of death, rearrangement and undoing.

Are you the ultimate mirror? Recognizing your empathic abilities

A brilliant post on our empathic gifts.. learning to mirror and accept valid feedback.

Connecting Empathic Helpers & Artists to Spirit

Empaths are meant to be mirrors of energy, not sponges. As a compassionate helper, you have different spiritual potentials or paths within your own field of work. For example, you may explore creativity, personal truth, integrity or like myself, a path of expression. No matter what your destiny is, you are here to heal not only yourself but also others through your unique method. It doesn’t matter if you do this through writing, being a psychotherapist, medium, coach or nurse, as long as you are learning and growing, according to your life path.

Your life path will be your greatest joy and your biggest challenge. For example, I have encountered people who try to repress or control my personal expression. This occurs when someone is blocked and does not have a desire to grow in their own healthy expression. When I was younger, I absorbed their negativity and felt guilty…

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The intrinsic connection between grief and love

It seems to me our deepest impulse in terms of the need to be loved underlies so much of our grief.. not only over loving and losing but over never finding that love in the form we needed it when young… We all long to be seen and known, when this doesn’t happen there is a grief that sits under the surface of consciousness and may not be ‘known’ by us for some time.. This ‘hole in the soul’ runs deep and since we first seek that in our family of origin its here where the wounds happen and they need to be addressed in later life if we want to eventually come fully to life in order to live and love as our true selves.

I was thinking a moment ago of the four solutions we resort to that Mark Wolynn talks of when we seek to connect with a parent or source of love in childhood.. one is that we find that source in them and do connect, the second is the parent fails to provide and so we cut off that longing and flow and subvert it.. in another we seek it from a sibling.. this is what I did with my Mum and Dad being unavailable.. it was my older sister who saw me, but she left and then got sick and so that was a double grief for me. Over time I learned to turn within or to substances and in time I lost access to my true feelings over it, it has been these feelings I have had to work with in active sobriety.

I just went and sat down by the lake and finished off a wonderful novel I have been reading but at the end of it my thoughts turned to my sister.. Earlier I read Oscar Cainers daily horoscope for Aquarius that said in an uncertain world its hard to know what to believe or where to turn but that there are five qualities that can sustain us.. : Kindness, Friendship, Generosity, Compassion and Love.. I thought of the nasty inaccurate things my living sister said to me in the year after Jonathan left and how her brutality coming out of emotional ignorance drove me over to the UK where the unprocessed anger and hurt over it lead to a massive head injury.. maybe something about this time that is now erased for her due to all the meds and shock treatment is perculating down inside.. She tried to erase me from the coast house earlier in the year by packing up all of my books and boxes and storing them in the shed.. To her it was probably done out of a desire to help me as I said it was hard to go down there alone to the place I ended up forsaken and abandoned after my husband left. I was so hurt by that back in February but I sucked it up on our trip there.. I just called the removalists and they came to pack it all up. I didn’t have an angry outburst I just cried and cried and cried. I seem to do a lot of crying around my sister when I don’t have anxiety spin outs around her.

Despite all of this I feel for my sister.. lying in bed with the blankets pulled up all around her unable to communicate with visitors… I don’t know what it is going to take to bring her back from the dark side this time.. and despite this I do feel love… but its a confused kind of love.

In the movie 28 Days Sandra Bullock makes friends with her sister who appears to be the more high functioning sibling in the traumatised family.. she recognises that her sister was once a child too in the family system and sought her own role which involved looking down on the ’embarrasing’ active addict who is expressing so much of the family pain…In a similar way my mother always forgave her mother for hitting her as she knew that as an abandoned war widow with no government assistance left to support a young daughter all alone so far from family that her Mum was frustrated.. it was something her best friend’s daughter and I discussed the other day… that generation had to suck it up… and they had to bury so much… trauma and stress just get carried or passed on as epigenetic research by Bruce Lipton and Dr Yehuda demonstrates..

I am a bit off the track writing this right now. It is a processing post… I just thought on the way home of how much, as a young child I longed for my sister’s love but how our family was so geared around externals it was hard to find that… in the end it is something I have had to find for myself as an adult with the help of therapy and my higher power. That said I still grieve for those who left me and could not love me where I was at and this included my ex husband.. He gave me a great gift when he emailed me back in May when he said “I really understand your need for therapy now.” He actively tried to block it along with my Mum but in the end I trusted my path into the dark…

Through it along the way I found the love for myself and even for my wounded family.. how could they give me something they never had, or a sense that I am perfect as I am even with all of my idiosyncrasies? I now see I can only gain that in any authentic way from within and even after years of being almost crippled by a virulent inner critic who was almost demonic at times.. Slowly over time and through much agony I am coming to a deeper understanding of the inner forces that drove me towards addiction and self hatred…I also understand more deeply and have more compassion for the forces that drove that poor inner child of my Mum who had to struggle so hard to be seen and find her own path..

At 14 years of age Mum actively defied a mother who wanted her only to be a domestic servant and found a profession.. She fought to be seen in the fashion industry by top designers.. she was bloody trojan, she just had to be.. I am glad in so many ways for the gifts of strength she bequeathed me as well as the deep deep insecurity… in the end it was for me to make sense of it all and carve my own self out of that inheritance.. today I feel myself becoming stronger while at times more profoundly aware of inner vulnerabilities, fears, weak spots and insecurities…

I am also learning how intimately and intricately longing, grief and love are interconnected along with rage… in the end each of us must work to understand the emotions that drive us as we grapple to find which emotions to express and which are in need of alchemy, each of us has to find ways to contain our wounds and find the healing solution in bearing witness to them for long enough that self love and insight as well as self compassion can arise. Armed with these tools we are less likely to judge others and we become more able to define boundaries as well as see where the impulses to merge or belong create complex challenges for us.

Childhood trauma

I found this very helpful from someone new to the community.

Rainey’s blog

It’s been a while since I shared my first blog post and the response I got was amazing- I couldn’t thankyou all enough for supporting me and showing so much love in the comments.

So with this in mind I thought I’d share another insight, this time focusing more on the impact of childhood trauma as a whole, as I feel this is yet another area that gets overlooked.

Having suffered from it myself, I know how much it can affect every aspect of your life. Your social skills, your confidence, your emotions. From the very start I showed signs of trauma but growing up I was never really educated on this and I was always made to think that it was all my own fault that I was the way I was. I started to believe this, and became really hateful within myself. No one around me could understand…

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Gratitude, protection and care : morning reflections

I semi slept was semi awake last night. My sister was one of my first thoughts this morning, so much compassion for how hard she has struggled to live and how difficult its been for her with all of the deep dives and no one much to listen to her inner world. With her Saturn in Scorpio she always says to me “I am such a private person” She doesn’t share the truth with many people that she suffers anxiety and depression…. so that makes it harder.

Last night I got a sense of faith and trust in God. Scott often tells me we need to trust in God’s process which is often painful, so I know that somewhere angels are holding my sister but from what our family friend said last night she is in a dark place. This morning sorting out things to wash my higher power came through with these words from the Big Book so often read in 12 step meetings “we sought his protection and care with complete abandon” so I got down on my knees this morning and prayed and kept moving forward to embrace the day.. I so long to be alive.

The place is full of light, is a crisp clear very very icy winter morning here and evidence of God and nature and the Universe’s love is all around me. I have faith that life is worth living and I want to be fully alive for it, but it is in the quiet and stillness I often feel closest to my soul and source. The world out there can be a stage, as Shakespeare said… people strut on it with all of their individual personality disorders and quirks, myself included. I read a brilliant post from Benny K of The Written Addiction last night I will link to below where he spoke of the many different people he has been in his life. He also spoke of how humans are motivated always by a seeking of comfort and relief from pain when really pain is a great motivator and teacher and we may actually stand to gain more by facing it.

In 12 step recovery we do a ‘searching and fearless moral inventory”. Its interesting as I recognised last night that the primary feeling I feel in relation to my sister is fear. I fear and don’t fully trust the psychiatric system.. This newer doctor of hers seems to reduce her meds but the last reduction combined with her drinking and doing too much to distract herself led to this latest collapse. I know it is a fine balancing act with anxiety, depression and addiction and we have to fine tune ourselves all the time especially those of us who live with emotional dysregulation which makes it hard to differentiate what we feel, and how to deal with those feelings not by reacting or acting out but my marshalling and alchemising them.

Today I made a choice not to let thoughts about the ‘storm’ in my body dictate my movements.. I am up writing and I have an apple baking in the oven with cloves and blueberries for breakfast. I am getting out after that to be in the bush and walk Jasper.. these are the things that feed my soul. And I recognise my need for grounding in the moment, in present time, and in my body to be fully alive with gratitude for that life. In time I will be brave enough to visit my sister, when the time is right. My sister is in God’s hands and the hands of the doctors… She made that choice on Friday after telling me it on Wednesday it wasn’t what she wanted…she is on her path and that is none of my business. All I can do is keep loving and hold to my emotional truth for me..

Today I thank God for my sobriety.. I thank God for all the manifold gifts in my life. I thank God for parents who tried so hard but struggled on an emotional level due to all the trauma our legacy generated.. Today I know it wasn’t their fault.. it was just the working out of evolution. I can let go of resentment knowing its not useful to me… I have carried a HUGE ancestral burden but I am recognising it and therapy and my blog and poetry helps me to give it a voice (words can never express the gratitude I feel towards this WordPress community… you are all my brothers and sisters in soul!!!) and separate the essence of myself out from it while acknowledging it will always be a part of making me me. ….I honor my ancestors and all they lived through and I thank them for the life they gave me, cells of cells within cells….echoing and evolving over time in this profoundly mysterious quantum universe of life and nature.

The link to Benny K’s post can be found below

A whole lot of drugs : just not my path

A family friend just called to say she went to visit my sister and they have her heavily sedated.. its like a knife to the heart but this shows categorically I need to step away.. I cannot witness what the medical profession does and it just strikes me as wrong… I see the addiction issue under this as my sister’s biochemistry has been fucked around for so many years plus all those sessions of shock treatment they gave her it just make her comatose.. I know categorically only God can help her now there is a saying in the fellow ship ‘beyond human aid’. Many of us have to go into the dark and those who love us, no matter how much they love us cannot go with them.. we have to let them go.. I will be praying extra hard for my sister but I know I cannot do the visiting any more.. I have gone through enough with all of this.. I just have to break free to my own life… even if that means selling up and moving away and trying to make it on my own without my inheritance.. God will take care of me.. he didn’t keep me sober for 26 years for nothing.

Post script…after posting this I realised how terrified I feel for my sister. I just let myself experience the gtoundlessness of that…there is no ‘solution’ to this and so I choose to let go and hand it over to a higher source. ♥️💜♥️

Made for this

We were made for this

To love and be loved

To connect and be connected

We were made for this

To feel the healing touch of a hand

Remind us of what is means to be soothed

To feel the welcoming gaze of a soul

That sees into our own

And does not make us break

Ourselves into lots of separate pieces

Splitting some off

While counting the cost

In suffering

Gone mute

There is no one that can refute

That we were born to feel

And make sense of our feeling

Or else to run

When the truth of our feelings

Is denied

Or we are forced to lie

To gain another’s love

Which never was

In the end

A love worth having

Intensely vulnerable ; afternoon reflections

I am feeling so intensely vulnerable this afternoon.. I did a lot in the morning and before long I see I have been a bit too busy or taken on a bit too much.. Thoughts of my sister come and go, at times I trust and know she is where she is meant to be, at other times I just feel the most intense sadness for her. I am also aware of the huge amount she achieved all alone after getting out of hospital last October. She sorted all of Mum’s things, organised a garage sale, gave stuff to family to know they were included, took me to the coast to clear out my stuff, organised Mum’s ashes and gravestone, moved into Mum’s unit, supported me at an auction for another unit of Mum’s I had to sell, sold her previous unit, undertook ongoing personal exercise training, learned to cook again, invited friends for dinner and went back to mix with her dragon boating and Bosom Buddy friends as well as reaching out to connect with people from her past, however I don’t know if many of these connections went to a deeper level. Still it was just a massive amount but it calls to mind the saying from AA that with addicts its either full on or full stop, there seems to be no middle point until we decide to meet our souls and stop running and covering over deeper needs, sorrows, pains and longings. That said I don’t know exactly what is going on with my sister’s process and I work hard each day to modulate my own energy. I just know I could not function at that rate without the deep dive of therapy which enables me to integrate and make friends with my inner life.

I also had a lot to share in therapy today.. Thinking about how my own flow of love got blocked and how hard it was when my own feelings began to emerge around 6 years sober and what the forces of resistance around me were I did cry a lot again today.. Tomorrow is the anniversary of Jonathan leaving after he took a month long trip back to the UK in mid June 2004. I was 42 at the time and 42 is the part of the profound midlife passage where we get ‘hit’ with a number of outer planet transits to themselves and Neptune squaring natal Neptune occurs at 42.

Neptune rules dissolution and when he decided to leave I did fall apart. I was doubled over in therapy today crying over how it felt when he left. It was as if the lifeline to the upper world was cut and I was sent down into the ancestral unconscious and Underworld. At that time the house we had bought at the coast was not yet sold and when it got sold I had to manage all of that, he basically came back for a month packed up everything and left after telling me when I collected him (after driving 5 hours to Sydney) he did not love me any mor and raging at me for being demented when I cried about it uncontrollably. This is nothing new with men I have known, but a good friend who knew us both said to me a year later.. “Jonathan is one of the most shut down people emotionally I have ever met!” Wow!! Yes as Kat said today he didn’t want me doing my grief work, saw it as a disappointment to him that I could not be bright, happy and sunny all of the time. I know grief work is an essential and unavoidable task of long term addiction recovery work… We have to re-embrace our inner child to find our way back to our soul and our lost sense of joie de vivre which is part of living true to ourselves.

That said, I get him wanting me to be happy and not sad. The real me emerging now is a naturally happy, ebulliant person who loves other people, is bright and outgoing and likes being connected but over time I lost my way to that part of me through hidden grief as well as the heavy weight of our family conditioning laden with duty… To this day I still miss the lovely group of 6 women I worked with at the Cambridge University Botanic Gardens before we left there in October 2001 to return home.

Today I got the sense that Jonathan knew he had to leave me. I cried two weeks ago over the money he gave me in the little blue tin box for a horse ride on the beach a few moments before he disappeared through the departures gate and we saw each other for the last time on 4th August 2004.. That was a sign of something meaningful, horses are sacred to the Goddess and the dark night.

Alone without him I dropped deep into the unconscious and have books of dreams I had then that were very prophetic and the tale of the Handless maiden featured strongly in one.. In that fairytale the Handless maiden is made so when the devil comes to claim the prize her father offered him on the day he asked for what was standing behind the mill and the father being too busy milling thought it was just an apple tree. The devil is unable to take the maiden when he returns for her the next day because she is crying too much but in the end he cuts off her hands and she has to go out into the wilderness with bandaged hands and find a way to survive. Eventually she is taken in by King who fashions silver hands for her but in time she realises that in order to heal and grow she must grow her own hands back.. for this she must go into the woodland and wilderness alone. All alone here she gives birth to a child and builds a new life of self sufficiency, finding and nourishing her creative gifts while reconnecting with the parts of self that got lost in seeking belonging.

It is in many ways a profound myth about what can happen for many of us women at midlife as we have to find a way back to our own hand crafted life.. The tears cried by the Handless Maiden in the wilderness are also what enable her hands to grow back… so part of healing is feeling the full force of grief for our lost, abandoned, or betrayed real self as well as recognising potentials from long ago that got ‘cut off’. Only our pain has the capacity to show us what is real for us. In the tale the negative voice of the Devil reappears towards the end when she seeks to reunite with the King and could be a profound metaphor for the life killing voices of depression and anxiety which utter lies about our true worth and value.

Today I am aware I HAVE this pain but I AM NOT THIS PAIN.. That is just a massive shift for me.. I even am very very sad over my sister and crying for her at times but I am also aware that on another level things are ‘okay’ (even as they are anything but!! : A deep paradox, I know!!) and even more aware I am not the one in control of her or anyone outside of myself. I also woke up laughing over the most ironical and sad of things and that was a shift. I saw the terrible cost of being ‘too nice’, ‘self sacrificing’ denying our legitimate pain and anger over betrayal, neglect, abuse and abandonment… We need to have these feelings over and over until they help us to excavate the true and deeper self. Our anger and tears birth us in some way and even Jesus recognised this deeper individuation truth when he said “unless you are reborn through fire and water you will not find the Kingdom of Heaven”. To me the Kingdom comes when we live in a state of true alignment with our inner essence, spirit and truth and often that comes through the trial by fire and flood.

Writing helps to ground me… I got home to unpack my groceries and then cleaned out the car.. I know life goes on in this ‘new’ reality where my sister has gone below ground again. I see her as still in search of her self… that is just my take on it and this is her encounter with God… I truly believe God and the angels and our past ancestors attend every single movement, dip and spiral on our healing path way. Today I felt so very deeply the profound isolation of my past… I long for a real man to show up one day or to find a path out of these dark woods of the ancestral loneliness and pain… and yet I also know I have achieved a lot, even if it is really only in the end an inner understanding…. that may not be valued as much in the heroic world of conquest and achievement, but that world is not really my own at this point.. Maybe I am still very much emerging, still slowly chiselling my real self out of the marble of my unconscious past… such a journey is challenging to articulate clearly… and yet it goes on in silence, over time, through many depressions, dips, descents and uplifts …always attended by the witness of the ethers as well as the souls and spirits of our ancestors.

Post script.. after posting this I did an image search and came across this persepective on the fairytale with art work… please follow the link to view.

https://www.buildingwingsstudio.com/blog/the-handless-maid

Since the link is not working I am including this from the Artists blog Building Wing Studio..

There were a few interpretations that rang true for me from this story. One is the question-where in my life do I cut off my hands in order to hide my nature from others? Maybe for love and acceptance? After journalling about this story and my thoughts, and my emotions, where I am at in my life I came to the conclusion that this maiden was probably at the lowest low of her life-even more than when she hid in the woods she had her child. But when she left her house with no hands she had no plan and no one. She didn’t stop, she made the choice to move forward. Over time (a fairly long time) she finds herself again, she has reclaimed physically and spiritually the lost pieces of her self. 

Fallow

All around me the ground lies fallow

Blood of my ancestor seeps

As feelings of grief circle

Around me like

Lonesome whisps of air

Slowly I watch

The tide become a flood

What was I thinking of

That you would find a way to stand

That one day

You would come

To hold my hand

And help me

Bear this burden?

Today my heart it feels like lead

And my tread falls heavily upon the ground

There is no hope to be found at all

Only the long dead echoes of

His leaving

The tide is receding

Leaving only wilderness

My energy is spent

From crying

Sick of lying to myself

And hoping that one day

My body will touch and deeply know

Another soul

A loved one’s body

Why go on

There seems no point

If this is all that is left

At the end of a song

Whose final note

Peters out

Leaving only

This absence of sense

Resounding emptiness

Tender blessings

I wrote this just two months before my mother passed in 2017 . In it I explore those tides that pulled me in and out. Therapy was tough today..not enough time to be with the expense that is my soul journey…life is too analytical sometimes but we need our mind still to make sense of all these tumultuous currents and energies we bathe within.

Emerging From The Dark Night

Risk.png

When I was born

The ones we loved

Were slipping away

Death stole in

And quietly took the man who gave you shelter

For those 22 years

Memory of the hospital bed

Where you placed my basinette Is buried

But I remember it in my bones

The quiet silence of loss

That threaded its way

Around the perimeter of our lives

Stealing in

Through porous spaces

So young

Not knowing

Or understanding

But only feeling

When the tide was coming in

To claim another soul

I loved

Nothing was ever secure

And I was always aware

That the ground I stood on was shaky

No matter how firm you tried to make it become

That ghost of insecurity hovered

And it was my constant companion

So that when later traumas struck

It was almost too much to bear

I only knew

The tide was coming in

And I could do…

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