Strong but not strong

I tried so hard

To be big and strong

I had to be

There was no one there for me

Not truly

Not that I remember

Not ever

I kept pushing on

You pushed us

So we had to push

And then we collapsed

But neither way is living

Straight and true

Supported

Emerging

Growing out of a strong base

Of shelter and protection

Don’t lie and say it made us stronger

When being strong

Meant we had to deny

Our weak vulnerable side

Because true vulnerability

Is undefeatable strength

So many times

I should have surrendered

Said no instead of yes

Bullied by you into believing it was weak

I pushed on

What a stupid idiot

I see it now

Somewhere inside I knew

When I had to sit to sign the deal

I was in bed with the devil

But I pushed on

Cause that is what you are supposed to do

Bah!!!!

Now I don’t know how to get out of it

For five long years I haven’t known

And I’ve kept denying it

And pushing on

Through all the family illness

Through her suicide attempt

Through my own emotional abandonment

Through the cancer diagnosis and radiation

Now I just want to pack up a bag and run

But I wont even allow myself that

You stay strong and you face your burden and challenges

And yes, there is some wisdom in that

But only if it doesn’t come

At the cost of denial

So now on my knees

I ask what is best

From a higher power that knows

I ask for a little help

From above or below

Because I am strong

But not strong enough

To do it totally alone

And I hear death calling

If I don’t make the right choice

My body is bleeding, my body is weeping

My body is bleeding

My body is weeping

Blood tears of sorrow

Blood tears of anger

Blood tears of disbelief

Blood tears of pain

How could you have done this to me?

I needed to be close to you.

Dad you died

There was nowhere to go

He said “don’t come”

She said “you must go”

Where was I to go?

To a dark, cold, lonely country

Where I knew not a soul

Driven out of my mind

With feelings I could not feel

Even now I cannot compute

How someone could do that to her child?

I was so desperately alone

With no one to turn to

So far from home

But then a wiser voice says

She was just a child herself Debs

A child that married a child

Both children clinging together on a life raft

Made of the bowers they collected

Growing a family

Not really knowing the right soil to provide

And she was struck dumb with grief

For her lost love

But this is my mind

Intellectual knowing

Today it is my body that is weeping

Tears of blood

Falling down like rain

Nausea all through me from the blood

I am swallowing

The only way to make it stop

Is to speak about it

So I ask

If body could speak

What might it say to me?

I am a living manifestation

Of all you have endured

Deep within me

Deep within each cell

Your silent history is buried

Biography become biology

So I am the place you must look

I am the temple you must tend

I am the book you must read and feel and see

And know so well

For I speak volumes

And what I have to tell you

Of pain

Of loss

Of sadness

Of hope

Of longing

Of your desire to live

And know and be true and real

Has only just begun

Why should they understand?

Why should they understand

Maybe its not their job

They are busy living life

The life they want to live

A life that doesn’t really include you

Wake up

Live your own life

Grow up

Don’t be a child expecting them to care

Its not their job

But don’t leave the feelings of the child

Behind either

That long ago got buried

Deep inside you

The lonely pain in her lives on

Forcing her now into choices

That perhaps are not good for either of you

It is time to break away

Don’t whinge about it

Just do it

Accept the reality

Before its too late

Selfish shellfish!

1-1

Selfish shellfish

Lived in its shell

With a hard coating

To protect its squishy insides

Didn’t care who lived or died

On the emotional roller coaster

It rode

Into town

I wish I knew then

What I know now

If I get too close

I will be ground to pieces

Or suffer from the fall out

Your roller coaster dance

Is a spin out

Stay clear

Getting close

Will only end in ruin

Or spin you round

So hard and fast

You wont know which way is up!

So if you want to stand up straight

And live to walk away

And enjoy another day

Steer clear of the drama

And take a walk down a different street

Lest you end up

With shards of glass

All through your feet!

Or a dagger pierced

Through your heart

Bleeding and bleeding

From the invisible wound

They left in you

Which few will understand

I took the risk

I took the risk this morning of speaking to my sister about the intense reaction I had to her going to the coast on her own and not including me today.  She didn’t have a clue as to how I was feeling, had made all of these assumptions, such as I would just go down sometime on my own despite the fact she knows all the trauma I went through down there at her hands and those of my ex and that I have told her several times next time I go down, I don’t want to go down alone.  Its also clear to me that she didn’t really want me going down with her as I may cramp her style and to be honest on reflection we are so different perhaps its for the best.  However after the conversation I ended up feeling even more alone.  What’s new?!  Its a wake up call and a reality check for me.

“It wasn’t maliciously intended.”  She said to me at one point.  Why use that word?   I didn’t think that at all, rather I just thought was a case of her not communicating and then assuming she could mind read me which is what she does all the time.  Also I find that because she is on medication rather than doing any emotional work she operates on a very cut and dried level of purely based physical activity and with little regard for the subtleties or consequences of her reactions.

I got off the phone feeling like a bit of a freak to be honest that I don’t operate in that way.  Anyway I spoke to my therapist and she told me I did very well.  That I expressed how I felt calmly, which I had.  The charge went out for me too and the nose bleeds have stopped.

I guess what is being driven home though is how lonely it really is in my family.  How its not going to be possible for me to have any more than limited contact at the moment.  I took the opportunity to express how I truly felt and I got the brush off.  She was obviously in a hurry to get everything done and dusted so she could just get on with her day which is the way she operates.  Maybe it would be better if I am more like that, providing a container for deeper feelings and only sharing them with people who are capable of meeting me on that level.

I’ve lost the really happy space I was in yesterday when things were going well, though before the phone call to my Mum.  I operate in a happier place when I am outside family relationships with both my Mum and my sister which have been the cause of so much pain and hurt in the past.  That much has been made clear to me over the past 15 hours.  For those of you who don’t know my major traumatic head injury came on the back of their emotional abuse and sidelining of me during my depression following the end of my marriage when I made the mistake of choosing to stay close to my family rather than make the break and get away and concentrate on my deep emotional healing.

I lost 10 years of my life in the wilderness trying to get back on track and the decision was my responsibility so I have to be an adult and wear it.  At the same time it was the way they treated me with such contempt and complete disregard of my feelings which drove me into such a painful and lonely place.    I was warned how they were by others who saw but my inner child kept clinging on in the hopes of getting unrequited needs met they could never, would never fulfil.  Some hard lesson is being driven home currently.  I am sure now that being empathetic to me and caring about what I need doesn’t really enter their radar,  perhaps is not even their job now that I am an adult.  Expecting anything better is part of my own mixed up co-dependency.  But there I go again second guessing and giving a way out for poor behaviour and selfishness.

I read a great post last night on which wolf we should feed, the wolf of anger or the wolf of love.  An interesting comment from someone said they have learned that they must steer clear of those who awaken the angry wolf within them. I think that the angry wolf isn’t bad at all.  It is the part of us that tells us what isn’t right for us when it gets angry and we should listen.  I personally watch in the dog park when dogs set their boundary snappishly.  The emotionally healthy owners don’t mind this if they realise their dog is just setting a boundary.  So should it be for us.

I awoke this morning after all the nose bleeds feeling like I would never get out of bed.  I am glad I made the risk of talking to my sister so I could get into a clearer space.  I am grateful I could talk to my therapist but I still came off the phone from her feeling nauseated and ill deep in my gut.  What has helped me become clearer and to release the sick feeling has been writing this blog.  Blogging helps me to get the feelings out there.

Yesterday I posted and then took down a post of a poem which expresses valid anger at my sister. Shame and fear made me take it down.  I am going to restore it this morning.  At times due to my Catholic education and due to a childhood where anger was expressed in a dangerous way I get so scared expressing anger.  I am scared I will lose followers cause I get more likes when I post about ‘love’ but still the genuine feelings of anger I have had are real and I need to honour them and express them.  I need to release them so they don’t poison me from within and expressing them makes it easier for me to let them go.

I am inspired by this comment from a fellow blogger appearing on the blog I referred to earlier:

….I struggle when freeing myself from that wolf of hate….. I accept my wolf of hate whenever it finds me because to not accept it would be a form of self-hatred. I don’t believe in that.

Source :  https://silentfall.me/2017/01/08/wolf-of-love-%f0%9f%92%96/#comment-1413

When I see its me who is suffering from an emotionally insensitive or unconscious person’s actions its best for me to let it go.  They don’t see what they are doing or even care or lose any sleep, so why should I?  I can’t go all bullet proof and say it doesn’t hurt.  The valid feelings of hurt will give me good information about actions I need to take around them in the future in order to steer clear and not be hurt so much next time.  It seems clearer and clearer to me lately how much better my body feels when I steer clear of toxic, triggering influences in my life.  My body shows me pretty quickly what’s what.

 

 

How can we heal this separation?

I am actually having severe heart attack symptoms in the early evenings lately just before and after dinner and the pain and stress has been so bad these last few days that my nose is bleeding.  I had an upset today concerning my sister.  I was very angry with her and posted an angry poem which I have now taken down.  She called me a few hours ago to say she is on the way to the family’s coast house alone.   I had mentioned that I would like to go but nothing was said.  Our mother is unwell and someone needs to be here to take care of her.  After we spoke on the phone I felt like I was having a heart attack.

There just seems to be no way to bridge the huge unspoken schisms that seem to form around the three of us surviving in the aftermath of the anniversary of my Dad’s death. Even though its years ago the shadow imprints and grief energy lives on and we lost my other sister two years ago so that pain is deep for me too in the shadows as she and I were close in a way me and my other living sister are not.

For me it was so painful to go to the other side of the world less than six weeks after Dad died alone.  I still can not quite compute how my mother could have forced me to do that.  I went through so much loneliness and trauma over there. Due to loneliness on the first anniversary I hooked up with a man who was friends with someone I started to board with in Switzerland and fell pregnant.  I chose to have the pregnancy aborted. My two close friends I was travelling with left me alone there and went back to the UK together.

On the second anniversary I got into a new relationship, on the third that split up and I ended up back home, only to find my mother was remarrying and there was no one there for me.  My godparents encouraged me to move to Sydney and then supported me for a time.  In the following few years there was another termination (my fourth) another relationship break down and then another termination a few years later.

Eventually I married and got into sobriety.  My husband and I had some happy times to a degree but the silent grief was dogging my life even then.  It has really taken me til today to see how I subtly began to pull away and feel the pull back, hoping if I came back close to family we could feel it through.  But that just never seems to happen.  A few years later my last relationship broke apart around this exact anniversary.

When I started to get the heart attack symptoms and nose bleeds tonight I thought this thought “this unresolved grief is going to kill me”.  My breast cancer last year manifested around this same time of year, no wonder I am feeling scared.  Its all beginning to add up and make sense to me, all the connections.

Today following the upset feelings of total lack of acknowledgement I had the thought that I needed to go no contact with my family.  But how will that help me?  It feels like an angry snub nose fob off that will hide the deeper pain inside me and that’s not good for me.   At times I feel I am in an impossible no win situation.  I also keep thinking that maybe instead of rejecting AA meetings at the moment I would be better to attend and let the feelings out, cause sometimes when I sit in a meeting whatever is simmering inside that I close off can open up.  I may try it and see how it goes for me. Or it may be better to really cosy up and nurture myself, do my presence process breathing practice which really helped last night and get myself an early night.

Grief can be such a lonely thing.  Ideally in connected families you grieve together, talk about the person and share your feelings.  Our remaining family is not like that everyone keeps up a polite front up and a great distance.  I have felt myself pulling away when it may have been better to be close.  Its a painful dilemma but rather than remain silent about it I am going to share about it on my blog.  I was actually very sad to read about the angry feelings I feel towards my sister for shutting me out so many times.  I don’t want to be a person full of bitterness and hate.  Its just not me.

I was thinking while all this resentment pain and anger was going on today of the quote by Eckhart Tolle that says “Where there is anger there is always pain underneath.”  There is pain in grief and I don’t want the anger to block the pain of the longing I feel for a deeper connection that often gets frustrated due to both our defences and fears.  I wish we could share our pain but maybe even that hope is unrealistic and futile.

There!   I’ve got that off my chest, maybe the heart pain will die down now.  Feedback and other perspectives are welcome and would be much appreciated.

Do you have to kick yourself?

Sometimes we do.  We do need to kick ourselves into gear in order to add some of the positive life force and vital energy to our lives that will take us out of the endless feedback loop of depression skullduggery.

And then…..

There is a place where we also need to accept what is going down as part of the reality of life living itself according to a plan that to our idea of way of thinking may be all wrong and may demand a lot of us.   Life is confusing and there is no one size fits all recommendation for living it when it all comes down to it.  Today I had this awareness that sometimes my thinking lies to me and will actually act as a massive saboteur of something I need, at other times my thinking will be spot on and when I say no to something there will be a backlash from my inner critic which tells me I did the wrong thing because in saying no I pushed myself outside of a former comfort zone and challenged someone’s boundary or fears.

I am recognising that I need to stand strong to my first thought and back it up even when I start to feel scared, frightened, anxious or lonely and even when I start to realise that I feel I should have said “yes” because I am going against a strongly entrenched pattern I need not to let the pattern reel me back in with a What the heck?  Confusing? Yes, deeply perplexing at times   Welcome to the world inside my head today.

Today I decided not to go to the cemetery a long way across town to honour my dead sister. Today I decided to let go on one level.  I then posted an image and some thoughts on Facebook not only for me but for those who loved my sister so much.  In one way I am remembering my sister, in another way I am letting go and in yet another I am beginning to accept that her life unfolded as it did due to an outplaying of events that perhaps had gone a different way if different factors were involved but they were not.

I am also beginning to see that in some way for over 30 years I have been deeply enmeshed in the outplaying of a trauma that had little to do with me on one level, but also everything on another.  Confusing?  Yes!  Paradoxical, Yes!  Welcome to the mystery of life.

At 54 I am only just now beginning to ask what it is that I want for my life.   I feel that until now my entire energy has been consumed by a past that I drank through and then 23 years ago decided to face up to the best I could sober.  The truth was I could not face up to it with any degree of consciousness until the pain I had experienced and buried over the first 39 years began to emerge for me just over 15 years ago.

For the astrologically aware that time frame (14-15 years) is about half of a Saturn cycle and the outworking of our 28-30 year Saturn cycle hits a point of increased awareness about half way through.  After we have gone through the first round of the cycle that many of us live as victims of unconscious forces and conditioning, as a soul set down amidst the circumstances of a life amongst influences we did not choose which are our fate,  we have to find ways to deal with it consciously in some way or continue to live in denial as the case may be.

So/and Saturn often means we have to bring out the big scissors that cut something off, it may even be something we dearly loved and wished or longed for but circumstance has begun to reveal that on some level despite our longing it is not for us. This is for some of us where we can be literally cut off at the knees.

Speaking of that last night I watched a very sad but enlightening documentary on the children of Queen Victoria and it seems that Queen Victoria was actually one of the queenly figures of narcissistic mothering, trying through out all of her life to exert her control and influence over every single one of her offspring and most especially after the love of her life Prince Albert died.  All her longing and need for control and hidden grief was after this turned towards trying to manipulate things to keep each one of her children close.

I wont go into all the details and I missed the final 5th of what was a show with about 6 parts, but in the final part the show concentrated on QV’s relationship with her last son, Leopold.  Leopold hated the constraints of the palace where his every move was regulated and watched.  As a bright young boy he wanted very much to escape and go to university.  He begged and pleaded for this for a long time and in the end QV consented but only on the condition that he study and have no fun or entertainment at all in his venture.   He acquiesced but then actually managed to have a lot of fun… Until!!!!

Yep, guess what?  Somehow she once again managed to assert her malevolent influence over him and he ended up dying on his Saturn return at age 3o due to a cut on the knee.  Tragically Prince Leopold never got away from the negative, smother mother.   I don’t really fully know how this relates to the post I started to write only to say it struck a deep and painful cord within.  Freedom to live our own life, to have our own hopes and dreams, freedom and the courage to try is not always available to us and the consequences can, in the end be tragic.  What a reminder this is to kick ourselves in to gear and when we see or know something we want to go for it with all our heart, releasing the fear and obstacles that hold us back, if we can.

The Darkness

I am resharing this. We all have our own deep emotions that can rise up or come down upon us like a thick heavy blanket. If we can unravel some of the twisted threads sometimes the darkness lifts. When I think of how I wrote this just a month out of coming out of weeks of radiation therapy for cancer, its no wonder I felt this way.

Emerging From The Dark Night

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I am not sure on somedays where the darkness comes from but on days like today it descends like a heavy blanket covering my soul. Actually its more like a spider’s net of dark that comes down…I wake feeling twisted in trauma and fighting like hell to get free. I awake to the sense of dark memories and associations that have surrounded me after days and days of rain where I couldnt touch base with nature that is the great purifier of my body and soul.

By mid day it has taken just over 3 hours to wake and shower and dress.  I havent been able to manage food. In this time I faced the challenge of calling the Endodontist about the appointment to see the results of a scan they failed to call me back about three times.  After this call the tears started to fall like rain.  I…

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Borderline personality disorder is a hurtful label for real suffering

I feel so strongly about people with massive trauma being labelled as so called ‘borderline personalities’ so I am providing a link to this excellent article :

http://theconversation.com/borderline-personality-disorder-is-a-hurtful-label-for-real-suffering-time-we-changed-it-41760

Break away

1-1

I want to break away from you

Where is the love

A sister is meant to show a sister

Where is the concern?

I finally see how selfish you are

I kept giving to you

Even when you spoke about me behind my back

And then tried to lie about it

Fuck you

What was your game?

Were you jealous of the bond

I had with her sons

Wanting to destroy

The one good thing that came out of it?

Why did I come back for more?

Why did I stay?

Only to wound myself more

Sometimes I hate you

And I know that wont get me many followers

But what you did isn’t loving

Its horrible

And I wont shut up

Or buckle under

Or deny the anger and pain any more

I will pray to be released though

For that pain should not be mine

It’s really yours

And I don’t want to live in hate