Drowning in a pool of love

Drowning

Where can I go

To find the way back to my heart

When we are apart

Then in the silence thoughts begin to flow

And I am not sure

If I will ever know the truth of this

 

At times I feel you are so real

And there is comfort

At the thought that one day you may be near to me

But then the thoughts of doom embrace my thinking

And the pain of confusion rises up like an ocean

Carrying me away

Inside its flood

My chest burns with the fire of unrequited longing

As I struggle to keep believing

In all of the promises you made

 

This pain and fear and sadness is so familiar to me

It comes and goes like waves

That break

Upon a distant shore of my consciousness

 

How can I find the way

Back to my heart

And how can I overcome the fear that if

I just listen to it

In time I will be emptied out of everything

 

Oh sometimes how I rue the day

We ever connected

But I cannot turn back the tide

Or push away all the harsh experiences

During which I tried so very hard to bring you home

To me

 

I no longer know the truth

And slowly I see my receding youth

Disappearing with each painful recurring memory

Of all the times love departed

As the door of my heart

Slammed shut again

Leaving me drowning

In a pool of love

Hard Times Happen As You Heal From Abuse

We must not shame or blame ourselves for the slow and painful process of recovering from emotional neglect or abuse. This post is very helpful.

CynthiaBaileyRug

“It is only through labor and painful effort, by grim energy and resolute courage, that we move on to better things.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

The above saying is so incredibly true when it comes to healing from abuse.

Anyone who has experienced any type of abuse knows that healing from it isn’t easy.  In fact, it may be the hardest thing you ever do in your life.  There will be times you want to give up & just forget everything that happened.  Other times, you’ll want to curl up in your bed & never get out again because the pain is overwhelming & so depressing.  Yet other times you feel like you can’t think about anything but some traumatic, horrible experiences, even though you would love to think about something, anything, else.

Awful times like this are, unfortunately, a very natural part of the healing process.

When these times come, I…

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Give me silence

Silence

No noise

No demands

No angst

No please help me

Its okay if you can’t

But will you anyway

Driving my heart and soul demented

Tormenting me with thoughts

If I die it will just be my fate

Fuck

Silence you are all I trust

Humans full of lust

You make a prison for yourself

Tying yourself and others up in knots

Negating freedom

I want out please

Set me free

Had enough

Humans you bring so much pain

I just want to be left alone

To live free again

Silence you are where I want to live

Shut out the world

Shut out the noise

Shut out the struggle

Shut out the angst

Fuck off with your drama humans

Fighting

Warring

Killing

Making demands

Please leave me in peace

Take responsibility for your life!

There are a couple of people I feel like screaming this at today.

I have suffered depression, and anxiety.  I have nearly died.  I have felt suicidal on more days that I can count, but every day I took some action to at least do something for myself whether it was cook a meal or just write a poem or cuddle my dog.  I know there are times we cannot get up.  There are times there is a great weight on us and it seems impossible to breathe and yes we need help and support and cannot always do it alone.  BUT we also have the responsibility in our lives, to take the steps to care for ourselves, nurture the good, reach for health, make the choice to use sunshine and a walk rather than lie in bed eating ice cream.  (and no bloggers I do eat some icecream at night and enjoy it) what I am say is TAKE SOME ACTION. towards something that is healthy for you if you want to feel better!!!….And think a little about what you can give.   To someone else to feel better and get outside of yourself!!

I would tell myself to seize the little moments instead of waiting for the promises of tomorrow. Hug your friends. Call spontaneously……Dance in the rain, break some glass.

I read a post today from another blog site where the writer said that just because she is strong does not mean she can carry others or always lift them up.  When we are strong its easy for others to say how strong we are, but they also need to see they too have the capacity to be strong and they cannot always pull on us. For sometimes the strong get SO TIRED.  WE GET SICK OF GIVING AND THAT IS WHEN THE STRONG NEED BOUNDARIES FOR THERE IS ONLY SO MUCH ENERGY WE CAN GIVE TO ANOTHER PERSONS LIFE IF THEY ARE NOT HELPING THEMSELVES.

 

Do we ‘really’ know what is going on?

We all probably like to feel we have a handle on things in life but lately I am seeing life is just so downright unpredictable and hard to gauge that just when I think I know what is going on, I am surely going to be disappointed or proven to be mistaken.  I am also feeling a schism between my heart and head lately and that’s par for the course with my Leo Aquarius nodes.  I tend to read a lot as a way to try and ‘figure out life’.  That is fine on one level but I do wonder if I had had parents or educators who got me and helped me connect to my own emotional truth at a heart and gut level if I would have had to or felt the need to read so much.   I have foundered in the emotional realm and learned early on to use substances or look to substances and things in the absence of human connection.   And so I guess I also struggle with empathy for others or knowing what is going on without projecting my own experience onto them.

That is why its important for me to be around those who ‘get’ me and lately I have someone in my life who does that.  He doesn’t blame me, or tell me to feel differently, he always just says “I understand your feelings” and when I try to say something that is my fault, which is not my fault he tells me, “Deborah its not your fault!”  Well I just broke down and cried this afternoon when the text came through from him saying this.  It just melted my heart.

The guy in question is Scott and he want to return all money now.  He just told me that if he knew things were going to go to pear shaped with trying to get out of his contract for deployment early he would not have asked for my help.  He also said its the only way I am going to believe he is real.  So soon I will have that evidence,  I hope.

Its so hard in this day and age to know who or what to believe.  I just think at times though there must be an instinctive, intuitive part of ourselves that just ‘knows’ what is true for us but over rides or dismisses it.  Some say its the difference between the higher self (heart/gut) and ego (intellectual head trip!) .   It takes time to tune into this heart and gut centred knowing in a society where we were discouraged from it.  Where we were led to believe we cannot know, or trust ourselves.  God knows its complex.

I was also wondering today if sometimes those people who cause extreme events such as attacks and deaths are some kind of agent of God.  We recently had a stabbing in Melbourne here in Australia and the perpetrator said he heard the voice of God telling him to do it.  I know it was probably a psychotic delusion but some really healing things have come out of this fatal stabbing,  for example a homeless man who tried to leap to the aid of the victim by pushing his trolley into him is now being assisted by the community who started a go fund me page for him, to date it has raised over 60,000 dollars.  This ties in with the Buddhist idea that the line between right and wrong, bad and good, and good and evil is not that clear and the idea that often good things come out of bad and some bad things come out of the good.  The truth is that it is never just black and white.

At times we are forced to choose which side of the fence to sit on and at others we can vacillate knowing that its a precarious decision with no clear cut solution.  What can we do then?  Where do we turn to?  Who can we trust?  The truth is we can only make a decision but we can never fully know the consequences of such until the decision is taken.  Life is just not clear cut in any way.  And sometimes our feelings lead us astray and sometimes out best thinking does too.

Insight into emotional abandonment/unavailability

As we heal we begin to learn who we can and cannot go to with our feelings and pain.  I wish I had known about emotional unavailability years ago.  It would have saved me a lot of heart ache but that said, not having parents who were there for me emotionally its natural that I would be more familiar with those who didn’t validate me than with those who did. And also I have learned in past years that part of growing to psychological maturity is learning to not always expect others to be there emotionally for us. 

That said when we come to choose partners and friends we need to know what we need in terms of emotional availability.  Some people just do not have that degree of emotional insight and we don’t suffer as much when we learn not to expect the unexpectable from loved ones who are not emotionally intimate with their own insides.  A past therapist would often say to me “Deborah how old do you think this person is inside”, some of us still carry the unmediated inner child within us and its a major task learning to re parent that little one inside.

I came across the following in an article on line today after doing an image search. It made sense of things I went through with family members and past love partners.

Often when the other person resists looking within, being intimate with their own emotions, their darkness, their flaws and humanity, there is no way they will see yours. They will accept yours. Not in a million years.

If they cannot feel their feelings, they will not comprehend what it is like for you to feel your feelings. If the person has not visited despair, they won’t understand what you are going through. In fact they are likely to be terrified by you, by your experience, a foreign object. In turn, they will say the wrong things, shut down and while they can be physically present, the truth is they left you already. They left their body.

Emotions occur in our bodies and those who cannot stay in their bodies find a way to leave and they may often leave us if we are feeling emotions in the body they find too confronting to face.  I feel its one of the real reasons my ex husband left me.  When I started to feel my emotions it reminded me too much of one’s he had to repress and his family convinced me I was ‘no fun’.  Probably true at that point as I had repressed a lot of grief.

Anyway on the healing pathway, just make sure to surround yourself with those who understand you and your emotions.  Not people who make you feel crazy for having them.

Source/link to above quotes :

https://psiloveyou.xyz/to-be-emotionally-abandoned-5e5ebdfae9fc

Carry the light within you

Light.jpg

Carry the light within you

Even when the way forward seems dark

Don’t forget that there is burning inside you

An indefinable spark

A ray of light that gives meaning to the mess

That can comfort and bring you warmth

Even in the harshest wilderness

Sometimes it feels like cold and dark is all

That surrounds us in this world

Especially when those around us

Convince us we should stay weak and small

But don’t you know by now

That God never makes mistakes

And it takes a lot of courage

To let your heart break

Open to those painful truths

The weaker disallow

So just trust your heart and soul my darling

For your time to shine is now

Happier without you

Coming home to myself

I am sad to say

I am happier without you

And I am beginning to realise

There is nothing much as wrong with me

As I was led to believe

In fact it is true to say

That finally I am feeling free

I am finding happiness inside me

And realising more primarily

Happiness does not always come

From outward things

Because alone here in the world

I am discovering

An open heart that sings

And times my spirit finds wings

From the sheer joy

Of feeling deeply at home

Inside my skin

Letting of my ‘bad’ and guilty self to embrace joy and energy.

I listened to a You Tube video on the astrology of my Mars Saturn Moon inconjunct to Pluto a while ago and the Moon does rule our emotional legacy and the difficulties we carry are shown by that kind of tense aspect and the video claimed I suffered from a deep legacy of unconsciously unearned guilt.  I have also been surrounded at times by people who have tried to put me in that position, claiming I am bad when I am just fighting to be myself and not be overpowered or manipulated by someone stronger`s will.

This issue (of feeling myself to be wrong, bad or guilty unjustly) is one that comes up in therapy all of the time. Such feelings of being less than often draw me to those who are suffering in some way and I try to help them but often I can get drained by taking on that caretaker role.  Indeed it fucked up my life choices over past years.  I feel some unearned responsibility for being there and that is all well and good when my own tank is full but when its not good is when it comes out of a sense of trying to get my own unmet needs met or to compensate for a lack of joy and happiness or creative agency in my own life.

I am wanting from now on to begin to start taking a lot more responsibility for my own happiness.  I think I suffered for a long time from a high degree of passivity.  It comes from being emotionally overlooked and pushed to the side and also being forced to buckle under to the stronger wills and desires of others.  It is said of those of us who end up on the codependent end of the spectrum of narcissism that we struggle with knowing the goodness inside of us.  We often concentrate unnecessarily upon our flaws and weaknesses and bad points and its harder for us to see the gold and goodness inside of us.  We are too hard on ourselves and we don’t give ourselves good things or enough self care.

I had to really stick up for myself this morning with someone who was trying to manipulate me and make me feel ‘bad’.  I actually told them I am a good person and I don’t deserve this treatment.  When I shared it with my therapist this morning she clapped her hands.

I also listened to a lovely talk by a guy on line who calls himself Healing Waters, it was a talk on trusting spirit guides and inner guidance and in following the link he also said how important it is for our happiness to stay close to those life giving things that give us joy and increase good vibes and energy, such as nature and good food, music, positive people and those who have love to give.  He was saying how damaging self blame is and a lack of self love.  And having self love doesn’t mean we just sit passively on the sidelines and don’t take steps to make our lives better, it does not mean we avoid adversity but that we use it and our so called ‘mistakes’ to learn, because actually trying and failing in life may be a good thing if we learn from it.

I am also trying to let go and relax more after the difficult weekend I had.  Being asked for even more help and setting a boundary and then guilted has made me stand strong and firm in my boundary.   I am no longer feeling that emptiness inside that needs to be filled from outside through another’s love, attention, approval or affection.  If I am me and those things don’t come to me well I just have to wear it.  I am sick to death of trying to turn myself into a pretzel to win love, surely my happiness has to start from within and depends on the positive choices I make in response even to difficult or negative things.

And yes, I do love reaching out to help others and bring some sunshine into their lives when I feel filled up myself, but if I am being drained well that is the time to pull back.  With Mercury slowing to turn retrograde in 4 days it is a good time to pull energy within, to seek to find the higher meaning (Sagittarius) and longer term view in the way we arrange our lives.  I have also decided to do more meditation over the next few weeks, watch a little less TV.  I know I get intuitive hunches all the time and inner guidance, its important to trust these things.  I also get messages and I watched a great short video by Jack Canfield yesterday in which he said how pain can be a message that something is not good for us.  I am starting to get those feelings and messages and try to tune into the subconscious in my body without letting it over power me.

I am also going to make a practice over the next few weeks of seeking joy.  I am sick to death of suffering and pain.  Just for today I want a little more of the good stuff!!!

The incontrovertible truth of World War I

Lest we forget the terrible legacy of this war.  And let us remember the children of those who died either in the battles or as a result of wounds when they returned home, how stoic they had to be, the legacy they carried and passed on.  Please we need to honour our ancestors.  They had tough lives and had to make so many sacrifices to survive.

https://www.smh.com.au/national/the-incontrovertible-truth-about-world-war-i-20181109-p50f0t.html